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THE NEW YORK
PUBLIC LIBRARY
A ~0^, Lf'OX ''■■O
TILDFN FOU''DAi IONS.
C L.
BILUTH^MINDER
m
NEW VOR.K
HENRY HOUE 5l CO
1912.
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Ti;.- >:rvy/ ■/(,.:!<
PfJEi.IC l.IBI^ARY
MS.
Edinburgh : T. and A. Constable, Printers to His Majesty
R
THE G99D CHILDREN
OF CMLOE AND CT21SP-
IN THE GATHERER OF
nU^HR^PMS CHAD,
HANNIBAL, QUENTlN,
R ANDALL ,NOAH.KATCH
rE.TT,NEl?0,BIDDULPH,
KNUT,AND THE TRULY
VIRTU9U3 • AMO 3E AliT.^
IFUL BQADlOSA.Tm^;
B9°K l'5*Fl^5THpMaY.
AND T^ESPE:C:r,FOi.L*i, DW
-1 GATED BY'T>iE'FA^'TfV'
FUL NAI>T?ATaR -OFTH^I?
EVER-WO^PEJ^FiiL; ^^UT*.
VENTURE5. '> •'■' '^
;
CONTENTS
CONTENTS
PAGE
BILL THE MINDER 1
THE KING OF TROY 15
THE ANCIENT MARINER . . . . 33
THE TRIPLETS 51
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA 65
THE DOCTOR 79
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN .... 97
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN .... 115
THE INTERVAL 133
THE REAL SOLDIER 147
THE WILD MAN 165
THE MUSICIAN 183
viii
CONTENTS
THE LOST GROCER
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
THE SIEGE OF TROY
THE END
PAQE
199
213
227
241
255
LIST OF ILLUSTHATIONS
COLOURED PLATES
FRONTISPIECE
THE KING OP TROY COMPELLED TO ASK HIS WAY
THE SPORT OP EVERY MER-KID
HE WAS ALWAYS AT HAND .
I FELL FROM MY POSITION .
THE LORD MAYOR HELD A LONG COUNCIL
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
BASIL HERBERT DEVELOPS A CHILBLAIN
AND LEFT HIM TO HAVE HIS CRY OUT
REGINALD COMPLETELY LOST HIS TEMPER
HARMLESS INDEED WERE OUR JOYS
AND PLAYED IT FOR MY DELIGHT .
FOLLOWED HIM AT THE GREATEST SPEED
BRINGING WITH THEM A LITTLE OLD MAN
THEY CAME UPON A GREAT STONE SPHINX
CLOSELY OBSERVED FROM THE WATCH TOWERS
To face page
30
48
58
72
88
110
122
140
156
168
190
208
216
230
244
BILL THE MINDER
TITLE-PAGE ......
HEADPIECE ......
HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC
ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OP MINDING
YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES
THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT
TAILPIECE ......
X
PAGE
1
2
7
10
11
13
14
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
THE KING OF TROY
TITLE-PAGE
HEADPIECE .
HE CLIMBED THE RICK .
HE COMMENCED HIS TALE
WHAT A TIME WE HAD .
TAILPIECE .
VIGNETTE ,.
PAGE
15
16
18
21
26
31
32
THE ANCIENT MARINER
TITLE-PAGE
HEADPIECE ....
I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY
I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES
FOR YEARS WE SAILED .
TAILPIECE .
VIGNETTE ....
33
84
89
42
47
49
50
THE TRIPLETS
TITLE-PAGE .....
HEADPIECE .....
ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN
WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS.
THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY
TAILPIECE ......
51
52
55
58
63
64
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
TITLE-PAGE ....
HEADPIECE .....
I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS
I ANGLE THE AIR
I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SANDS .
ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN
65
66
71
72
73
75
XI
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
THE DOCTOR
TITLE-PAGE ....
HEADPIECE ....
PAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS
THE PUFF BAKER
TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS
AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE
THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN .
POSTCARD .....
POSTCARD .....
TAILPIECE .....
PAGE
79
80
83
87
88
89
91
94
95
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
TITLE-PAGE .....
HEADPIECE .....
BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR-BOXES .
THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED
STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALLS .
DANGLING BY HIS LEGS ....
TAILPIECE ......
VIGNETTE ......
97
98
103
104
106
109
113
114
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
TITLE-PAGE ......
HEADPIECE ......
I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER
HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME
THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN
THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED
DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL
VIGNETTE .......
xii
115
116
120
121
125
129
130
132
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
THE INTERVAL
TITLE-PAGE . . . .
HEADPIECE . . . .
I PELL ON TO THE PARSNIP
THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED
ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY .
THE WHOLE CAMP WAS PAST ASLEEP
TAILPIECE .....
VIGNETTE .....
THE REAL SOLDIER
THE MUSICIAN
TITLE-PAGE
HEADPIECE
PAGE
133
134
137
138
139
142
145
146
TITLE-PAGE .......
. 147
HEADPIECE .......
. 148
THE REAL SOLDIER ......
. 153
' BUT HOLD I ' CRIED THE PRESIDENT ....
. 156
' YOUR PATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD ' .
. 157
PLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA ....
. 159
IN EXPECTATION OP THEIR LEADER ....
. 161
TAILPIECE ........
. 163
VIGNETTE ........
. 164
THE WILD MAN
TITLE-PAGE .......
. 165
HEADPIECE ........
. 166
I PLEADED MY CASE ......
. 169
AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT .....
. 173
WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK ....
. 177
TAILPIECE ........
. 181
VIGNETTE ........
. 182
183
184
Xlll
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS .
HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES
SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES .
WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA
TAILPIECE ......
PAGE
189
190
195
197
198
THE LOST GROCER
TITLE-PAGE .....
HEADPIECE .....
AFFECTED BY HIS STORY
PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT .
THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND
SNEEZING AND SNEEZING
199
200
205
206
209
211
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
TITLE-PAGE
HEADPIECE
MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON .
KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF
GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS
IT didn't MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE
TAILPIECE .....
213
214
219
223
224
225
226
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
TITLE-PAGE ......
. 227
HEADPIECE ......
. 228
THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS
. 233
YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE
. 234
I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED .
. 237
TAILPIECE .......
. 239
VIGNETTE . . . ,
. 240
xiv
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
THE SIEGE OF TROY
TITLE-PAGE ....
HEADPIECE ....
PLAN OF SIEGE ....
THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED
AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA
TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN .
PAGE
241
242
245
248
251
253
VIGNETTE
THE END
256
i.
BILUTHE^MINDER
BILL THE MINDER
OLD CRISPIN, the mushroom gatherer, and
his good wife Chloe had ten children, and
nine of them were bad-tempered. There
was Chad, the youngest and most bad-tempered of the
lot, Hannibal and Quentin the twins, Randall with
the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nero
the worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only
good-tempered child was a little girl named Boadicea.
It is well known that a boy usually takes after
his father, and a girl after her mother, and these
children were no exception to the rule, for the boys
2
BILL THE MINDER
all resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been
rather tried, poor man, by the early hours at which
he had to rise, in order to gather the mushrooms when
they were quite new and young. On the other hand,
Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper
from Chloe, who without doubt was the most good-
tempered dame alive.
Now it is quite true that any one who cares to
rise early enough in the morning may gather mush-
rooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who do so
only now and again, and merely for amusement, little
know the hard life of the professional gatherer, or the
skill and judgment he has to cultivate in order to
carry on his work with any success.
In the course of time Crispin became so well
skilled that he could not only tell a mushroom from a
toadstool at the distance of two hundred yards, but
his hearing became so acute that he could even hear
them growing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of
each as it broke through the earth. Indeed, he had
no need for any alarm to wake him from his heavy
slumbers and call him to his work in the fields.
However cautiously a mushroom made its appearance,
at its first rumble, old Crispin would jump from his
hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often without
tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and
on to the field in time to see the newcomer pop its
head through the earth. This he would pick, and
then he would hop about with his head on one side
3
BILL THE MINDER
listening for others like some old starling listening for
worms, at the same time mewing like a cat to frighten
away the birds that prey on the mushrooms. He was
then able to fill his basket with the very freshest crop
and take them round to people's houses in time for
breakfast.
With such anxious work it will be readily under-
stood that few mushroom gatherers can remain in the
best of health for many years, and it so happened that
in time the anxieties connected with the gathering of
mushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell
ill and completely lost his appetite. Chloe called in
the doctor, but the latter at first could do nothing for
him. He painted Crispin's chest and then his back
with iodine ; he rubbed him well with the roots of
sarsaparilla ; he made him sleep first on his right side,
then on his left, and finally covered him in brown
paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent him
to the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-
bathing, running, and aeroplaning, but it was all of
no avail.
With the assistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried
to tempt her husband with every known and unknown
dish, and when these failed, like a good wife, she in-
vented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow,
tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of
spinach and carraway comfits, delicacies composed of
porridge and mint, and the most luscious stews of
pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with even
4
BILL THE MINDER
lighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner
and thinner every day, and his temper was growing
shorter and shorter, when at last, to her great joy, she
succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed to
take his fancy.
At first there was little or no sign of improvement,
yet he ate a very small portion of the jelly every day,
and with this the anxious wife and daughter had to
be contented for some time. He had remained in
this state for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to
increase his portion. Finding that this did not dis-
agree with him, but that, instead, he became a little
stouter and a little better every day, she continued
gi-adually giving him more and more.
At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of
this jelly, the greater his appetite became. In fact, if
the truth be told, the old gentleman became in time
not only quite well and very stout but also somewhat
greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of
being able to devote more time to her children, after
restoring her husband's appetite, she had to give up
more and more time to cooking. Crispin now spent
the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to
very bad, and from very bad to worse. Boadicea
assisted her mother to the utmost, yet Chloe, worked
almost to death, was at length compelled to look out
for a minder, in order that her children might not be
entirely neglected.
Many minders from all parts applied for employ-
5
BILL THE MINDER
ment, and, as a test of their skill, she set them the
task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, who was
cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some
tried to cheer him by singing to him, some by dancing
to him ; one even hoped to gladden the boy by jump-
ing over him backwards and with a pleasant smile
dropping on the grass in front of him. Again, some
thought to distract him by running swiftly with him
several times round the w ell, which only made him very
ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head
in front of the child for at least ten minutes, which,
instead of cheering the lad, nearly frightened him to
death. One minder, more experienced than the rest,
tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other
aches to think of with the aid of a slipper, which he
maintained he had succeeded in doing. However,
he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one
could discover for which ache the child was crying.
Many methods were tried, but none with even the
smallest success ; in fact, the competition greatly
increased the child's discomfort. His howls became
terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource,
Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots.
Now no one had suspected Bill of having the makings
of a good minder in him, but it happened that he knew
Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody's surprise and
relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until
all the double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was
at once elected Minder to the family.
6
BILL THE MINDER
HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC
Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder.
Having once started on his new work, he took his
profession very seriously. He read all the books that
had ever been written upon the subject, which were
to be found in the library of the British Museum. He
talked about it with the most knowing professors of
the subject, and he was as well known in the Minding
Eoom of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as
in his father's house. And it is even said that he once
contrived to be shut in all night by hiding behind a
case of red coral rattles when the policeman came
round at dusk to shut and lock the doors.
Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in the
7
BILL THE MINDER
pictures, he was always inventing new ways of minding
his charges. So expert did he become in time that he
was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easily
surpassing all rivals, he became the most perfect
minder of the district.
Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and
worrited mothers for miles around flocked to him with
their children. He was most successful in distracting
the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutters
soon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of in-
digestion were allayed and the fretfulness of the
sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of his ways.
Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight
wakers were taught to realise how ridiculous were
their fears. Screechers ceased to screech, and grizzlers
to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformed their
habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day.
If any one could mind. Bill could !
But life was not all condensed milk and honey to
Bill. Like all good minders and men, he had the bad
fortune to arouse the jealousy of rivals. The unvaiying
success which met his clever treatment of the most
difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of
his brother minders, as one would have expected, and
making them eager to imitate him, only had the effect
of making them very cross and jealous. Some, indeed,
became so wild that they had to be minded themselves,
while others neglected their charges and wandered
about the country in a dreadful state of grumpiness,
8
BILL THE MINDER
biting their nails to the quick, and tearing their hair
or anything else they could get hold of.
The time now arrived for the great annual Minding
Tournament, held by the Duke to celebrate his birth-
day, to which every one had been looking forward all
through the year. Few people have ever been so
delighted over being born as was the Duke, and this
was how he most liked to show his joy and thankful-
ness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribed
for by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a
very special occasion, for the Duke, having arrived at
the age of sixty, had decided to present a gold-
mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during the
tournament.
Everybody was there ; the Duke and his Duchess
with a handsome bouquet of marigolds and groundsel,
presented by the wives of the policemen; the Duchess's
cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young
wife ; the stout old Marquis who (as every lady knows)
is also admiral of the Regent's Canal, and his six old-
maid daughters, who all arrived in bath chairs. The
general was there, as a matter of course, with all his
medals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of
Pontefract cakes and peardrops to throw to the chil-
dren. At least twelve bishops were present, besides
the vicar and his eight kind curates, who made them-
selves extremely pleasant to every one.
All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood
were present, and minders were continually arriving
9
BILL THE MINDER
ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OP MINDING
to compete for the prizes. There were at least one
hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was
provided by the band of the militia, lent for this
occasion by the kind-hearted general. Each member
of the band performed on a separate harmonium
borrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could
be had by every one who could prove that he or she
was hungry.
The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which
was decided in the following way. A well-pinched
baby and a glass of milk were placed at the end of
the course, and each competitor had to run to them
balancing a new-laid egg on a spoon ; when he had
reached them, he had to beat up the egg in the glass
of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. The
competitor who did it in the shortest time won
the prize.
Some murmurings were heard when it was an-
nounced that Bill had won by two-and-a-half minutes,
10
BILL THE MINDEK
YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES
but these were soon drowned by the cheers of the
crowd and the music of the harmoniums.
The second event was the obstacle race, in which
each competitor had to run with three babies in his
arms along a course strewn with perambulators full
of children. Over the latter he had to climb, and
having placed his three babies in an empty peram-
bulator stationed at the end of the course, wheel
them back the same way and empty them into the
arms of the Duke without a cry from the children.
The loud cheers of the crowd and the roar
of the harmoniums this time hardly drowned the
jeering of his rivals when it was proclaimed that
Bill had also won this race ; and when he secured
the gold-mounted feeding-bottle, presented by the
Duke, for minding seventeen tooth-cutters and three
indigesters, and sending them all to sleep in three
hours and forty-five minutes, their rage was almost
beyond their control. The cheers, the hurrahs, and
11
BILL THE MINDER
the clapping of hands, as well as the soothing music
of the harmoniums, only made them more disagree-
able and spiteful.
But far worse was to happen when Bill presently
carried off the great cup for remaining shut up in a
bathing-machine with twelve vaccinated children for
twelve hours. Then they quite lost their tempers,
and Bill very nearly lost his life. At least seven
babies were hurled at him, as well as the cup and
the bathing-machine, and Bill was only saved by the
seven mothers of the seven hurled babies, who rushed
forward to grapple with the hurlers, and carried Bill
and the babies out of their reach.
This shocking disturbance caused the vicar and
his eight kind curates to faint, while the Duke, who,
now having lost all interest in the proceedings, was
only waiting to give away the prizes, turned quite
white, and at once drove off with the Duchess in his
motor, and never again referred to the subject. The
general stripped off his medals in despair, and gave
them away to the children to cut their teeth with.
The chatty old Yiscount became dumb with astonish-
ment, and the twelve bishops, with heads erect and
half-closed eyes, walked off to their cathedrals. The
harmoniums were all put out of tune and quite spoilt
by the efforts of the bandsmen to drown the noise,
and the tournament was completely broken up.
After this, as might have been foreseen, no mother
would entrust the care of her children to any one but
12
BILL THE MINDER
THE ONLY MINDER OP THE DISTRICT
Bill, who became the only minder of the district.
What became of the rivals no one ever knew for
certain, though it has been said that they all emi-
grated to a desolate island in the Dead Sea, and
clothed themselves in crocodile's hide with the rough
and knobby side worn against the skin, sleeping at
night on beds of flints with coverlets made of stinging
nettles. It is also said that they nagged and threw
stones at each other all through the day, and for very
rage would eat nothing but thistles, uncooked and
with the prickles left on, and drink nothing but cold
vinegar for the rest of their wretched lives.
Another story has it that Bill's jealous rivals all
13
BILL THE MINDER
embarked for Mount Vesuvius, with the intention of
committing suicide by plunging into the burning
crater. But standing on its edge and gazing therein,
they all suddenly altered their minds and walked back
down the mountain side to Pompeii or Herculaneum,
where they were supposed to have settled and married,
and repented, let us hope, of their unkind and un-
reasonable behaviour.
Whether either of these stories is true or not, it is
certain that- the rivals disappeared altogether from
the country. Unmolested, Bill now devoted all his
days to minding, and Randall, Noah, Knut, Biddulph,
Nero, Ratchett, Hannibal, Quentin, Chad, and his in-
numerable other charges never left him, but wandered
with him everywhere, even in his dreams.
Such a minder was Bill !
THE- KING ^ or TROY
THE KING OF TROY
NOW it happened one morning as Bill was
shepherding his little flock across the
downs, whither they loved to ramble on
a fine summer's day, that Hannibal, Quentin, and
Boadicea came running up to him with the wonderful
tidings that they had discovered a real golden crown
lying on the top of a hayrick. Bill hastened to the
spot, and there, sure enough, was a most beautiful
crown, ornamented with what he took to be priceless
16
THE KING OF TROY
gems. Looking all round and seeing no one to whom
it might belong, he climbed the rick and attempted
to remove the treasure. But, try as he would, it still
resisted his efforts, until at last, with one mighty
wrench, he seemed to elicit a groan from the depths
of the rick, and presently the crown arose apparently
of its own accord and disclosed the head of an aged
man firmly fixed therein. Soon his neck, then his
shoulders appeared, as gradually the old fellow lifted
himself from his place of hiding and climbed down the
sides of the rick and stood trembling in the midst of the
children, who now wonderingly gathered round him.
Having recovered from his agitation, and being
greatly encouraged by Bill's kindly inquiries and
genial manners, the royal old boy proceeded to
account for his strange appearance on the downs.
* Prepare yourselves, you bantlings, and you, their
noble curator, for the most astounding revelations ;
and those of you who are nerveful or softish in any
way, hide your chubby heads in this old rick, that no
word of my story of woes may enter your ears and so
curdle your simple minds.'
At this young Chad and some of the others set up
a terrible hullabaloo, but Bill soon comforted them,
and then, seated in a circle on the grass around the
old fellow, they made themselves comfortable and
prepared to listen to his story.
*Are you all fit?' demanded the old gent.
'Yes,' shouted Bill and his charges in reply.
B 17
THE KING OF TROY
HE CLIMBED THE RICK
' Well, here goes then.' And he commenced his
tale in the following way : —
' I am that King of Troy who ruled over his
subjects with such wisdom and justice that the
greatest happiness prevailed amongst them ! '
'We've heard that before,' murmured Chad, but
ignoring the interruption, the King of Troy continued
his story : —
' Safely protected from baseness of every descrip-
tion, from robbery, from the ill effects of envy, and
from unworthy tricksters of every colour, by the stern,
yet just rule under which they happily lived, the
Trojans throve and pursued their various trades with
unvarying success. All amassed a considerable for-
tune, and as their wealth increased, so did their pride
in the beloved city of their birth. All contributed
most willingly to the upkeep of their sovereign, and
the ever-increasing state which I was expected to
18
THE KING OF TROY
hold was paid for down to the last farthing by the
noble fellows.
'The well-meaning creatures at length gave no
rest to their poor old king, and as their prosperity
grew, they raised him to a more and more exalted,
and at the same time increasingly uncomfortable,
position above them. Heavier and heavier grew the
robes of state to suit the swelling dignity of the city :
more and more overloaded with gold, with jewels,
with filigree silver and enamelled bronze became the
crown, until so ponderous had grown the regalia that
I could hardly support it. But no pity had the gallant
lads. Mistaking the signs of my gradually drooping
spirits for the signs of undue modesty, they slapped
me on the back again and again, and with joyful
shouts endeavoured to instil into my dejected soul
some of their own abundant ardour.
'With my own personal dignity, the number of
ceremonials and functions I was expected to endure
also increased. Town hall after town hall was built,
and bazaars without end were held especially to be
opened by myself But in time even this doubtful
relaxation ceased, and so high did my subjects raise
me that few of them dared to approach me, and then
only on bended knees. As for speaking familiarly
with me, none had the temerity to attempt it. Per-
petual state I was now compelled to keep, and never
for an instant permitted to leave my throne or doff
my royal robes, except for one short hour in the
19
THE KING OF TROY
morning to perform ablutions in the regal tub, and
even then I was not allowed to remove my crown.
Seated on my throne from morning until night, over-
burdened by the weight of my crown and the heavily
brocaded and bejewelled robes, I felt as lonely as a
stranded limpet in the middle of the Sahara desert.
' At last things came to such a pass, that, except
perhaps to bring me food or drink, not one of my
subjects would dare to draw nearer than to the outer
door of my ante-room, and even there they would fall
upon their faces and grovel in the dust and quake, so
that the very clicking of their bones could be dis-
tinctly heard from my place upon the throne, as they
trembled in every joint.
'Ah, how I missed the old days, — the cheerful
cup of tea, the pipe of baccy and the homely game of
dominoes with that primest of all Prime Ministers.
How gladly would I have snatched from the royal
board the dainties now prepared for me, — the aspa-
ragus truffles, the prawn cutlets, the anchovy jelly,
and suchlike, and hurled from me the trivial and
shimmering mass, tweaking my old rascal of a waiter
by the nose, and calling for a hunk of bread and
some cheese. Even my sparkling and frolicsome old
chum, the Prime Minister, had seemingly quite for-
gotten our loyal chumship and never appeared before
me now except upon his hands and knees and with
his head bent low to the ground. And what of my
old friend the Secretary of State ? Where were his
20
THE KING OF TROY
HE COMMENCED HIS TALE
gibes, his playful fancies, his quirks and rare conceits,
the droll ! Alas, only rarely now could I glimpse the
rogue, and with real sorrow did I see his erstwhile
bonny and jovial old face distorted by expressions of
the most abject servility. And that respectful mute,
the Minister of Education, does he dream that I forget
his winsome pranks and jokes ? Does he imagine for
a moment that those glorious evenings, when the four
of us used to meet and gladden the very stars by the
sounds of our joviality, were nothing to me ? Alas,
in my solitude what would have befallen me but for
those sweet memories !
' One evening the Prime Minister appeared on
his hands and knees at the door of the throne-room,
bearing on a little plate upon his back the slight
supper that was served to me in this strange manner
every evening. With drooping head, and visibly
21
THE KING OF TROY
quaking with awe, he gradually crawled near, and
when at the foot of the throne placed the supper (a
mere anchovy truffle on toast) before me and fell flat
on his face, writhing at my feet.
'Who can describe my feelings as I bent over
him and witnessed this degradation, this prostration
before me, of one who had revelled with me, who had
slapped me on the back in pure amity, and who, in
days of yore, had gambolled, frisked, and carolled the
most enchanting glees with me. A great hot tear fell
from my left eye as I gazed, and the startled wretch
leapt to his feet as it splashed upon his bald crown
and trickled down its glossy sides, leaving a red and
glowing spot where it had fallen. No words of mine
could describe the misery expressed on the face of the
unhappy man as he took one hasty glance at me, full
of the deepest meaning, and rushed from the room
weeping bitterly. Alas ! he, too, remembered.
' No heart had I now for the anchovy truffle, nor
indeed for the toast, both of which I tossed lightly
from me. I gave up my mind to most melancholy
reflections. Night drew on, and one by one I could
hear the ministers and domestics creeping up stealthily
to bed, and at nine o'clock all the electric lights in the
palace were switched ofl", and I was left in total dark-
ness and in solitude. Still I brooded on my throne,
unable to sleep for the weight of my robes and for
the sad thoughts that passed through my mind, and
mechanically counted the hours as they stole slowly by.
22
THE KING OF TROY
* At length the clock in the hall downstairs struck
eleven, and as the last beat echoed through the empty
rooms, a light appeared underneath the door opposite
the throne. Little heed did I give to this at first,
imagining that one of the ministers, on retiring, had
omitted to remove his boots and leave them in the
hall, and was now returning to place them there.
The light, however, remained, and to my increasing
wonderment some one tried the handle of the door,
which was then opened very cautiously and in there
crept, on hands and knees, my old friend the Prime
Minister. As soon as he was well within the room
and had quietly closed the door, he leapt to his feet
and executed the most astonishing capers that were
ever danced. With the liveliest satisfaction expressed
all over his mobile features, he pirouetted round the
room with the greatest animation, and daringly accom-
plished the giddiest somersaults that were ever turned.
At last, nearly exhausted with this vigorous perform-
ance, he ran up to the throne, grasped me by the
hand, which he wrung most heartily, and for all the
world was his good old self again.
' He now bade me follow him, and in utter silence
we both crept out of the throne-room, through the
ante-room, down the stairs, across the hall, and out by
the front door into the garden.
*We now traversed the terrace and crossed the
tennis lawn, and stepping gently across the Rhododen-
dron beds, scrambled as carefully as possible over the
23
THE KING OF TROY
barbed-wire fence and found ourselves in the kitchen
garden. Passing through innumerable beds of cab-
bages, beetroots, turnips, brussels sprouts, and broccoli,
we at last stood in front of an old broken-down hen-
house. The Minister knocked very gently three
distinct times and gave a low musical call, which was
immediately answered from within. The door now
opened just sufficiently to admit one person at a time,
and the Prime Minister crept in, dragging me after
him, and then closing the door as quickly and as
quietly as possible.
' You may imagine my surprise when I discovered
my two other old cronies seated amongst the hay
newly strewn on the floor, the fat old roosters chortling
wisely the while on their perches in the roof of the
shed. Two or three candles, that were glued with
their own fat on the stakes that were driven securely
into the ground, together with an old stable lantern sus-
pended from the roof, served to light up the interior.
A squat and homely kettle was simmering cheerily in
front of some glowing embers in the centre of the floor
awaiting the brewing of a stout cup of tea, and the
dominoes were all ready for a rattling game as of old.
* Nothing could exceed the joy of the dear old boys,
as they gripped me by the hand and punched me first
on the chest and again on the back from pure joy,
forgetting all the awe with which they had regarded
me for so long since, and only remembering the many
happy times we had spent together in days of yore, —
24
THE KING OF TROY
those far-off happy days, before I had been so terribly,
so uncomfortably exalted by my subjects.
' As soon as I had made myself pretty comfortable,
the Minister of Education reached up, and taking one
of the old chickens from its perch, quickly killed it,
plucked it and trussed it, and then, suspending it over
the embers by a piece of string from the roof, turned
it round and round gently until it was done to a T.
' What a time we had in that old shed to be sure.
After demolishing the chicken we played the most
exciting games of dominoes until we were tired of
them, then cats' cradles, then honey-pots, and then
touch wood. And what could have been more re-
freshing than those cups of tea! And what more
invigorating than the Pontefract cakes, the slabs of
cocoa-nut ice, and sheets of almond hard-bake that
we crunched between the games! And the songs
and choruses with which we shook the crazy old hen-
house to its rotting foundations! My word! How
we trolled them out !
*When our joy was at its height, and we were
carolling the inimitable chorus of that more than
glorious old song of the country-side, " Waiting for the
Guinea Fowl," we were suddenly reminded of the
approach of day by the loud crowing of the old cock
over our heads, and peeping at once out of the door
we perceived that already the dawn had advanced and
lightened the eastern sky.
* Without a moment's hesitation, the guttering
25
THE KING OF TROY
WHAT A TIME WE HAD
candles were extinguished, and I was hurried back
to the palace. But only just in time, for as I mounted
the steps of my throne I could hear the lazy steps of
the boot-boy as he unwillingly crawled downstairs to
his work.
26
THE KING OF TROY
' In the course of the day the Egg Counter to the
Royal Household was dragged grovelling before me,
complaining that the foxes had stolen one of the
chickens under his care. I ordered the treasurer to
disburse 9d. for a trap and dismissed the grinning
churl, who little guessed the breed of foxes which had
made away with his bird.
' Night after night the four of us, unsuspected of
any, now sought the hen-house, and forgot the harass-
ing troubles of state in the pure joys of friendship.
After killing, roasting, and supping off one of the
birds as on our first meeting, we abandoned ourselves
to the heartiest revelry, only to be awakened to the
cold everyday world by the crowing of the old bantam.
'During the daytime my friends resumed their
deferential and almost servile demeanour, and nothing
remained to remind me of the revels of the night
before but the troubles of the Egg Counter, who now
came to me every day with a fresh complaint that yet
another of his birds had disappeared.
'And now begins the narration of the most
terrible of all my trials. One night — how well can I
remember it, it was on the eve of that very day when
the mighty King of the Persians and all his court were
coming to spend the week-end with us, in order to
celebrate my sixty-fifth birthday — we met as usual in
the hen-house, and discovered to our dismay that we
had demolished all the fowls with the exception of
the old cock. After some discussion, and regardless
27
THE KING OF TROY
of consequences, we decided to treat him as we had
already treated his brothers and sisters, and in a veiy
Httle time nothing was left of the tough old biped but
bones, beak and feathers. Heedless of the morrow,
we now gave ourselves up to the wildest enjoyment.
Discarding such simple games as dominoes and honey-
pots, we now indulged in the more thrilling joys of
leap-frog. Hunt the Stag, Red Rover, Robbers and
Thieves, and you would not believe me were I to tell
you the amount of toffee, brandy-snaps, bull's eyes,
and Edinburgh rock that we absorbed in the course of
this agreeable evening.
* Enlivened, no doubt, by the thought that to-
morrow was my birthday, my excitement was intense,
and communicating itself to my prankful cronies, it
electrified their old bones in the most amazing
manner.
*How long we should have kept it up, it is, of
course, impossible for me to say, but we were suddenly
brought to a standstill by a loud knocking on the door
of the shed and the sound of a great concourse of
people on the other side. On opening the door I
nearly fainted in my horror, for whom should I behold
but the King of Persia and all his court, and as far as
the eye could reach the faces of the Trojans all lit up
by the morning sun, staring intently at the shed.
Alas, we had eaten the old cock, our only timepiece,
many hours ago, and without our knowledge the day
had dawned and grown to midday.
28
THE KING OF TROY
' Who shall describe my profound mortification,
as I observed the look of sorrow on the King of
Persia's noble countenance, or the distress with which
I viewed the agonised disappointment of my subjects
as they beheld their king, whom they one and all
delighted to honour, playing leap-frog in a hen-house.
*It appeared that on the arrival of the King of
Persia, they had all proceeded in lordly procession
with bands playing and flags flying to the throne-room,
and not finding me there they had hunted everywhere
for me, high and low, until at last, guided by the
sounds of revelry in the hen-house, they discovered
my wretched self in the ignominious position I have
already described.
' I was now seized by two of the Persian guards
at the command of their monarch and marched ofl* to
the Palace, a lane being opened for me through the
crowds of my silent and sorrowing subjects.
'A council was very hurriedly called together, at
which it was decided that I should be banished for
ever from the city of Troy for so demeaning the
exalted position to which I had been elevated, by
my frolics in the hen-house, and that henceforth
the King of Persia should reign in my stead.
* Stripping my royal robes from me (they were
compelled to leave my crown on, for it was so firmly
fixed that it would not come off*, try as they would),
they now bandaged my eyes, and, with the only bag-
gage I was allowed to take, tied up in an old
29
THE KING OF TROY
patch-work quilt, they led me forth. Past crowds
of my subjects, who now gave way to the most heart-
felt sorrow, I was led, through the old gates of my
beloved city and far out into the country. After we
had travelled for about thirty miles my conductors
at last removed the bandage from my eyes and left
me to my despair, alone in the wilderness.
' Sinking to the ground, I wept bitterly for three-
quarters of an hour, when hunger beginning to assert
itself, I started upon this long journey, which has at
length brought me to you.
' For many months have I travelled, often com-
pelled to ask the way or beg assistance of the merest
strangers, until at last,' concluded the old gentleman,
' as I was resting to-day in the shadow of this rick, I
saw you all coming over the hill, and mistaking you
for the legions of the King of Persia sent to hunt me
down, I hid myself in the top of the rick.'
Bill and all his charges were deeply moved at so
harrowing a tale, and willingly proffered any assistance
they were capable of rendering to the unhappy old
boy.
The King of Troy, now assured of the good faith
of his new friends, unfolded to them a scheme he had
formed to raise an army and to march on Troy, and
so recover, if possible, his lost power. Bill at once
offered his services and was created commander-in-
chief on the spot, and calling for volunteers, was
answered by one great shout of joy from all his
30
The King of Troy compelled to ask his way
THE KING OF TROY
charges, every one of whom enhsted there and then
in the new army of the King of Troy.
Chad, Hannibal, Randall, Noah, Ratchett, Nero,
Biddulph, and Knut were each promoted to the rank
of officers as a matter of course, while the gentle
Boadicea was deputed to look after the old King,
whose comfort was now her greatest aim in life.
m
THE ANCIENT MARINER
THE ANCIENT MARINER
THE next thing to be done was certainly to
make the old King comfortable, so Bill took
him home, and the good Chloe dosed him
well with hot gruel, and made him put his feet in hot
water, and sent him to bed. After remaining snugly
tucked up for a few days, the cheerful old soul was
ready and eager to start with his new army for Troy.
In the meantime Bill, with the assistance of
Crispin, had constructed a wonderful perambulator,
34
THE ANCIENT MARINER
in which the King could be conveyed with his luggage
and such comforts as would be necessary for the old
man during his progress.
Having secured the permission of Crispin and
Chloe, and of the other parents concerned (most of
whom seemed only too glad to get rid of the lot), Bill,
the King, and all the gallant young soldiers started
on their adventurous journey. Loud were the shouts
of admiration as the brave creatures marched down
the village street ; and at last, when they had entirely
disappeared, the place seemed suddenly so quiet and
dull that all retired to their bedrooms and gave way
to tears.
However, our duty is to follow the young braves.
Having marched along the road across the Downs for
some distance, they met the strangest couple, — a kind-
looking old gentleman who, to judge from his appear-
ance, had spent the greater part of his life upon the
ocean, carrying in his arms, carefully and tenderly as
though he were a frail young baby, another man, with
the saddest and most thoughtful face that you ever
beheld. Such touching kindness deeply affected all
who witnessed it, and Bill at once greeted the good
gentleman, and begged of him to account to them for
his very strange appearance on the country road.
* Sirs,' said the Ancient Mariner, as he placed his
burden lovingly on the ground, *my name is Jack,
Plain Jack, and I am the ninth mate of the Swedish
ship Turnip, a brig-rigged barquentine, that sailed
35
THE ANCIENT MARINER
from Cherry Garden Pier for Margate with a cargo of
camels, in the year 1840, and has never since been
heard of
'Though a born sailor, I succeeded my father in
what was one of the best corn-chandler's businesses in
that part of Barking. By my industry and thrift I, in
time, so bettered my position and improved my busi-
ness that I felt fully entitled to settle down and enter
into the state of matrimony. For some years I had
had my eye on the enchanting Jane Osbaldistone de
Trevor, whose father kept a large brill farm by Barking
Creek, — in fact, the largest of the many brill farms
that used, in those days, to line the river from Lime-
house Reach to Cherry Garden Pier.
* His wealth and importance did not deter me from
aspiring to the hand of his fascinating daughter ; and
why should they have done so ? Was not I in the very
promising position of owning the largest corn-chandler's
store, from Wapping Old Stairs even as far down as
Barking Creek ? And then, again, was not I as well
born as he, for did not my ancestors chandle corn in
Barking long before the De Trevors had crossed the
Channel, when they may, indeed, have earned a pre-
carious livelihood by letting bathing-machines on the
beach at Boulogne ?
' Nevertheless, on my broaching the subject to the
old gentleman, he threw every conceivable obstacle in
my way, and made conditions that were wellnigh
impossible of being carried out. " If," said he, "you
36
THE ANCIENT MARINER
can bring to me, within the next few years, some
object more wonderful than anything in the Bethnal
Green Museum, — some object beside which St. Paul's
Cathedral, the Monument, the Tower of London, or
the Tower Bridge will be as uninteresting as an old
one-bladed pocket-knife, — then you shall marry my
daughter, but not otherwise " ; and he chuckled to
himself, knowing only too well that he had wellnigh
dashed my hopes for ever.
* But, after all, little did he know Plain Jack. Dis-
appointed, but with some hope yet of claiming the
lovely Jane, I sold my business for a considerable sum
of money, which I took with me in my sea-chest,
and signed on as Cabin Boy aboard the Swedish ship.
Turnip, fully determined to travel all over the world, if
necessary, in order to fulfil the conditions imposed
upon me by the irritating old gentleman.
* Foreseeing well how useful my superior officers
might be to me in my quest, I resolved, as far as possible
to deserve their good-will, and I behaved with such
exemplary conduct that before we had passed Green-
wich Hospital I was promoted to the rank of twelfth
mate.
'Still persevering in my good intentions, I per-
formed many little acts of kindness, such as brewing
the captain a cup of tea when he least expected it, and
handing round to the officers and crew bars of colt's-
foot rock, a supply of which I took good care to bring
with me. I repeat, so continually attentive was I, that,
37
THE ANCIENT MARINER
before we had passed the Nore, I was promoted to the
rank of eleventh mate.
* Ott* Heme Bay, I was still further able to gratify
the captain and officers by pointing out to them the
various public buildings and places of interest, which
1 had visited only last year during a delightful week-
end trip. So delighted were they all that, before
sighting Margate, I was promoted to the rank of tenth
mate.
' On arriving at Margate, numerous merchants came
along the jetty in bath-chairs to examine our cargo.
None, however, wanted to buy camels ; all wanted
donkeys for the sands. In spite of the captain's argu-
ment, that camels were much more used to sand than
donkeys, having spent the best part of their lives on
the sands of the desert, the merchants were obdurate,
and we had to sail away again with our camels. We
also now carried with us a shipload of Carraway Com-
fits, which w6 had purchased at Margate, hoping to be
able to dispose of them at some port, and so compen-
sate ourselves for the loss of business at Margate.
' For many days we sailed on and on, out through
the Yarmouth Roads into the Persian Gulf, one incident
alone standing out vividly in my memory during this
part of the voyage. It was the dog-watch, on a lovely
summer evening; we were making little way, just
sufficient to enliven the whitebait that leapt and
prattled round our prow, or disturb a lazy brill
that dozed upon our course. Here and there the
38
THE ANCIENT MARINER
I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY
spotted tunny would leap several yards from the sea,
to descend again with a mighty smack upon the waters.
From afar, borne upon the gentle breeze, came the
low grizzle of the sperm-whale as it herded its young,
or the thud of the mighty sword-fish, as it drove home
the deadly weapon with which Nature, knowing its
own ends, has provided him ; while, mellowed by even
greater distance, the high-pitched yell of the land-cod
and the shriek of its maddened prey, could now and
again be heard. I was lazily reclining among the peak
39
THE ANCIENT MARINER
halyards, whittling out a mermaid's head from a piece
of hard-boiled gannet's egg, which I intended to send
to Jane, should a passing vessel give me such an
opportunity. Full of peace, and imbued with the calm
that pervaded the sea and the sky, I was hardly pre-
pared for the shock in store for me. Suddenly, without
any warning, I was jerked from my position among the
halyards, and flung head-first into the sea. Down,
and down I went, until, nearly exhausted, I made one
sreat eff'ort to come to the surface. When at last I
reached it, I found that from some unknown cause the
ship had been tilted nearly on to its side, and thus
had sent me almost to the bottom of the sea.
' To climb on deck and ascertain the cause of the
disaster was the work of a moment. It transpired
that the cargo of carraway comfits had got shifted
and was mixed up with the camels. The captain
was asleep at the time, and every one else seemed to
lose his wits, so I at once took the matter into my
own hands, and descended into the hold with twelve
picked men.
' The plight of the camels was sad indeed to see.
Some were fearfully chafed with the comfits, thus
proving with what force the latter must have been
showered upon them by the shifting of the cargo.
Fortunately, however, although it was very black in the
ship's hold, the camels were easily distinguished from
the comfits, and it was only a work of patience and
a little time to sift them and so right the ship again.
40
THE ANCIENT MARINER
*When the captain awakened and learnt how I
had saved the ship, his gratitude knew no bounds,
and he still further promoted me by making me his
ninth mate.
* For years we sailed from port to port, taking in
one cargo here, another there, occasionally with some
advantage to ourselves, but more often with none at
all, and never with any good fortune attending me
in my quest. When we were about thirty days' sail
out from Guatemala, and, as far as I could tell, in
latitude 195 and longitude 350 (that is, about 60
degrees east of the Equator), we encountered a
storm which brought me to the successful accom-
plishment of my quest. It was four bells and my watch
below, so I had gone aloft in the mizzen shrouds, and
with my feet resting idly on the top-gallant backstay,
holding securely to the weather topsail reeftackle, I
munched a tunny sandwich, a few of which I had
prevailed upon the steward to cut for me. Under a
clear sky, we were making roughly, I should say, about
335 knots, and it was already blowing half a gale ; a
choppy sea was running, yet, except for the clots of
spindrift, that now and again hurtled against the mast,
there was no real promise of the storm to come ; so I
went on with my sandwiches.
* We were now sailing close-hauled under double-
reefed main storm topsails and fore and aft main
staysails, keeping a good course and shipping very
little water, when, suddenly, I beheld on the horizon,
41
THE ANCIENT MARINER
I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES
well to windward, a little cloud no larger than a
tomato, — the English tomato, I mean, not the foreign
species, though it rapidly attained that size. It grew
larger and larger until it was quite the size of a full-
grown vegetable marrow ; yet, little recking that it
contained the seeds of the terrible tempest that was
so soon to overwhelm us, I still went on with my
sandwiches.
* Presently the gale increased, and the seas swelled
42
THE ANCIENT MARINER
up to the size of Ludgate Hill. Whole shoals of the
passive skate arose to the surface and flopped
warningly about our vessel. To leeward could be
seen flocks of the wild sea shrike, whose ominous
bark could be distinctly heard above the snort of
the coming tempest. By now the cloud had half
filled the heavens ; the seas rose higher and higher ;
the din was terrific, as the wind tore from the sea
shoal upon shoal of the shy sardine and whirled
them through the air. Soon the ship was drenched
in the high seas that continually broke over her and
the quarts and quarts of rain that woUoped from the
dense cloud now covering the whole sky and blotting
out all light.
'At last came the order from the captain, who
now realised the danger that threatened his vessel.
" Up helm," roared he, through his speaking-trumpet,
" clew up the lee braces of the topsail halyards ; haul
out the reef tackle and brail up the spanker." But
the command came too late. The fore-topsail stud-
ding booms went by the board, carrying with them
the bowsprit, the main mast, the fo'c's'le, the top-
gallant studding-sail halyard, and the captain's
tobacco-pouch, which had been placed upon the
bowsprit earlier in the afternoon. Nothing could
now be seen except, here and there, the gleam on
some fish as it was whirled, with the masts, men,
boots, screws, sharks, thimbles, sea anemones, watch-
chains, ship's stores, planks, and other miscellaneous
43
THE ANCIENT MARINER
objects, through the sky. I had barely finished my
last sandwich when, lo, everything became a blank to
me and I lost all consciousness.
'How long I remained thus I cannot say, but I
awakened on the sandy shore of some island, upon
which I had been thrown by the force of the
wind. Nothing could I see of my companions : a
few planks and spars and my own wretched self
were all that remained to tell the tale of the good
ship Turnip.
*The wind had dropped, and it was a beautiful
morning, not a trace of the storm remaining, only
here and there the panting of the crayfish, as they
nestled behind the rocks, or the gasping of the
oysters telling of the strain they had undergone.
I gazed along the shore in each direction, hoping
to discover a bathing-machine, and so satisfy myself
that the island was inhabited. Nothing was in sight,
however, so I lay down again and dozed. When I
awoke once more it was high noon, and the vertical
rays of the sun warned me that it was time to take
shelter. I raised myself on one arm with this in-
tention, when I became aware of a strange figure,
dressed in a long robe and with a great turban,
who was seated on a rock near by, gazing out
to sea.
' I got to my feet with considerable difficulty as I
was faint with hunger and stiff* in the limbs, and was
about to approach the object, when I discovered two
44
THE ANCIENT MARINER
more figures, who evidently had the same intention.
Seemingly they did not wish to be observed by the
singular creature I have already described, for they
were stealthily approaching him from behind, creep-
ing from rock to rock. I at once stooped down
behind a great star-fish, determined to watch un-
observed.
' I now noticed that both were savages, and that
one of them held close to his body an old, rusty kitchen-
range ; while the other carried, in one hand, a basket
of coals, and with the other supported a huge, iron
sauce-pan across his shoulders. Nearer and nearer
drew the cannibals (as I soon guessed them to be) to
their intended victim, who, however, either because he
did not hear them, or did not dread them, took no
notice at all. Presently they were crouching down
behind him, and he was still apparently unconscious
of their presence. Then, with a wild whoop they leapt
into the air, and dropped on the ground in front of
him. Even now the amazing creature took no notice
of the cannibals or their antics, as they danced and
yelled around him. Soon realising that there was
something very unusual in his reception of them, they
stared in awe and amazement at him for some time,
and then fled in terror, leaving the saucepan, the
kitchen-range and the other cooking utensils behind
them.
*They ran along the sands, and dropped behind
a rock at a great distance away, where they remained
45
THE ANCIENT MARINER
completely hidden for some long time. Presently,
however, one black head appeared for an instant above
the rock, and gazed in the direction of the thoughtful
creature by the sea. This head was very quickly with-
drawn from view and another popped up, — only to
disappear as quickly. Then the first appeared again,
and so on. This continued until they had regained
a little of their nerve, when I could see them once
more crawling back to the abstracted figure on the
shore. Again they drew very close to him, and now
that they had sufficiently mastered their fears, they
approached and examined him very closely, and pro-
ceeded at once to prepare their evening meal. First
of all they lit the fire, then they carefully placed their
unresisting victim in the saucepan, after filling it with
water from the sea, and were just about to lift it on
to the range when I lost all patience, and shouted
from my hiding-place, "Hold!" so many times in
quick succession, and each time in a different tone
of voice, that the cannibals must have thought there
were at least thirty men or more in hiding. At any
rate, they fled in the most abject terror, never to
return.
'Giving them good time to disappear, I now emerged
from my hiding-place and approached the absent-
minded creature, gently lifting him from the saucepan,
in which I found him still sitting and gazing out
to sea. Gathering together many sea-urchins, rock-
beetles, and branches of a succulent sea-weed, with
46
THE ANCIENT MARINER
FOR YEARS WE SAILED
which the beach had been strewn by the recent storm,
I prepared an exquisite stew, and made a very hearty
meal. I was also able to induce my companion to
take some, without, however, succeeding in breaking
his train of thought.
' For many months no other friend had I than this
preoccupied curiosity, who seemed quite unable to
give me any clue as to who he was or whence he came.
Perhaps he had been shipwrecked there in childhood
— who knows? — and wandered there ever since, the
wonder of every limpet or lugworm that squirmed
upon those shores, or the sport of every mer-kid that
flipped a fin in those unknown waters.
47
THE ANCIENT MARINER
'To cut a long story short, I soon realised that
here was the object I was in search of, and that if this
dreamy creature did not sufficiently astonish old De
Trevor, and compel him to consent to my marrying
his daughter, nothing on this earth would do the deed,
so I resolved to leave the island with my treasure as
soon as I could make it possible to do so. I set about
making a raft, which I quickly succeeded in com-
pleting, having since my childhood had a great knack
at the making of rafts, and, without undue delay, I
embarked with my prize, provisioned with as many
shell-fish and branches of the succulent sea-weed as
the raft would carry.
* After some few months, and just as we had finished
our last limpet, we had the good fortune to be picked
up by a tramp-steamer, bound for Saskatchewan from
Mombasa, with a cargo of periwinkles. The captain
was such a kind-hearted man that, on hearing my story
he decided to go out of his course, and land us at
Cherry Garden Pier ; and so, my good friends, after
sixty years' sailing all over the globe, I arrived home
again, a poorer but a kinder man.
* You may be sure that I lost no time in seeking
out Jane herself, with every hope of at last being
able to claim her hand, but alas ! gentlemen,' said the
Ancient Mariner, with a large, salt tear about to fall
from each eye, and as he once more tenderly lifted his
burden, * I was to find that Jane had become a very,
very old woman, with many little grandchildren of
48
The sport of every nier-kid
THE ANCIENT MARINER
her own, and that she had entirely forgotten my exist-
ence. She had me turned away from her doorstep
as a raving madman, even with my interesting, absent-
minded, and inseparable companion.
*Thus, Good Sirs, I have to start life anew, and if
my great experience should be of any service to you,
believe me, it is yours to command.'
D
THE ANCIENT MARINER
THE TRIPLETS
x:v^
■^^^
THE TRIPLETS
RIGHT gladly were the services of the plucky
old salt accepted by the gallant little band,
and taking it in turns to relieve him of his
•burden, they jovially marched along. The way was
enlivened by many a good chorus, until the old King
complained of a headache, when every one had to be
quiet and talk only in quite a low tone, while Boadicea
soothed the old fidget, and lulled him to sleep, by
removing his crown and gently stroking the top of his
head with a mint leaf, rolled into a little ball, and
fastened to the end of a stem of sweet-briar. He
awakened shortly after tea, very much refreshed for
his nap, and every one grew merry again.
He now, however, considerably delayed the progress
52
THE TRIPLETS
of the expedition by insisting on running after butter-
flies, and trying to catch them in his crown. Though
anxious enough to continue their journey, all the army
awaited with great patience the pleasure of the old
sportsman. At length Knut, who had been eagerly
watching the King for some time, as he frisked about
the fields after the brightly-coloured insects, could not
restrain himself from doing likewise. Now Hannibal
joined in the sport, then Quentin, then Noah, then
Ratchett, and, so exciting did the chase become, soon
all the force were frantically running about the fields
with the lively monarch, while Boadicea remained by
the carriage and darned his old stockings.
At last the King grew tired, and they all came
back to the road and resumed their march. The tire-
some sovereign now insisted on the Ancient Mariner
removing his burden to the rear, complaining that the
absent-minded creature would stare at him, and that
he did not wish to be gazed at or wondered at. * Time
enough for that,' said he, 'when I'm on my throne
again.' Having effected this change in the order of
the procession, they now marched on without further
interruption from the King.
Towards nightfall they drew near to the sea, on the
shores of which they hoped to spend the night. Bill
being, as usual, a little in advance of the others, was
the first to descend to the sands, seated on which he
discovered, to his great astonishment, three young
children weeping bitterly, and near to them, in the
53
THE TRIPLETS
same state of grief, he beheld an old gentleman seated
upon a rock. But what aroused his astonishment
even more than their extreme wretchedness, was the
fact that the three children were all exactly alike in
every particular, — the same size, the same hair, the
same eyes, — in fact, there was no perceptible difference
of any kind between them. Now and again, one of the
children would endeavour to comfort the old man, and
he again would attempt to perform the like kindly
office for them. Wondering what could so upset such
worthy creatures. Bill approached and besought them
to confide to him their troubles, that he might try to
relieve them to the best of his ability. Their tears,
however, effectually prevented them from replying at
once to him. Giving them a little time to recover, Bill
again addressed them. ' Who are you ? ' said he, and
they all answered between their sobs, 'We are the
Duchess of Blowdripping and her two sisters, Mellinid
and Edil.'
' Which of you,' asked Bill, ' is the Duchess ? '
* That 's what we don't know,' they replied. ' We
only know that she is neither Mellinid nor Edil.'
' Then who of you is Mellinid, and who Edil ? '
again queried the puzzled Bill.
' That 's what all the trouble 's about,' they tearfully
rejoined. *A11 we can tell you for certain is that
neither of them is the Duchess,' and the poor little
creatures redoubled their cries.
More puzzled than ever, and quite at a loss to find
54
THE TRIPLETS
ENDEAVOURINGiTO COMFORT THE OLD MAN
any clue to their troubles, Bill again besought them to
relieve their minds by confiding in him. Then one of
the little creatures stood up and, after drying her eyes,
addressed Bill in the following way : —
* As you have most likely guessed, we are triplets,
and were christened Blaura, Mellinid and Edil, after
three great-aunts renowned for their intelligence and
their many virtues. From our earliest days we were so
much alike that each had-to wear a different coloured
55
THE TRIPLETS
hair-ribbon to distinguish her from her sisters. Blaura
wore red, MeUinid blue, and Edil green. Our affec-
tionate parents, the late Duke and Duchess of Blow-
dripping, died when we were barely six months old,
and we were all left in charge of our uncle, the
benevolent gentleman you see weeping on my left.
Before the thoughtful creatures expired, feeling that
their end was drawing near, they were faced with the
difficult problem as to which of us should be the new
Duchess ; all of us, as I have said before, being of the
same age. Of course, I need not tell you that it was
quite out of the question we should all inherit the
title ; three young ladies trying to be one duchess
would be absurd in the extreme. So our intelligent
and resourceful mother and father decided, after much
deliberation with the family solicitor, and the vicar of
the parish, that Blaura should succeed to the title and
all the dignities of the Duchy of Blowdripping when
she arrived at the age of eight years, and that, at the
same time, Mellinid should become the owner of
Blowdripping Hall, with its priceless collections of
pictures, old china, fossils and foreign stamps, and
Edil become the possessor of the Blowdripping Park,
in which the Hall is so pleasantly situated, with its
herds of hedgehogs, elands and gnu. I am sure you
will agree with me that no more just division of their
great possessions could have been devised by the fair-
minded couple. Our uncle was kindness itself, ever
watching us with the affectionate care of a mother.
56
THE TRIPLETS
He was always at hand to look to our comforts, and
to see that no danger drew nigh, whether we were
bathing in the marble fountains of the courtyard,
taking the air in the park, or sleeping in our taste-
fully-decorated bedroom.
* One beautiful summer's afternoon, when we were
about one year old, we had been taken on to the
verandah to enjoy our afternoon nap, in order that we
might have advantage of the delightful breeze that
blew across the woods from the sea. As usual our
uncle was near by, and so soothing was the air that,
unable to resist its drowsy influence, he, too, soon
dozed off. Unfortunately we awakened before our
unconscious nurse, and immediately rolled out of
our cradles, and crawled along the pavement of the
verandah. Great sport we had, I have no doubt, as
children will, and certain it is that, attracted by their
brilliant colours, we lost no time in removing from each
other's heads our distinguishing ribbons, and speedily
mixing them up. However, at length, and too late,
our baby laughter awakened the old gentleman from
his sleep. Too great for words was the astonishment
of the unhappy man when he beheld us all shuffled up
and mixed in this deplorable way upon the pavement.
Bitterly he accused himself of wicked negligence for
allowing such a thing to happen, for so alike were we
without our distinguishing ribbons, that he could never
hope to know one from the other again. He thought,
and thought, and thought for the whole afternoon, but
57
THE TRIPLETS
WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS
at the end he was no nearer discovering again which
was the future Duchess, which MelHnid, and which
Edil. At last, he gave it up in despair. Henceforth
we were known only collectively as the future Duchess
and her two sisters, but which is the Duchess,
and which the two sisters, will remain for ever a
mystery.
* Nevertheless, we grew up in comparative happi-
ness until yesterday, the fateful day when we all became
58
He was always at hand
THE TRIPLETS
eight years of age. Before breakfast, and with all due
solemnity, our faithful uncle handed over to us the
control and guardianship of the Blowdripping posses-
sions, which had been entrusted to him until we should
arrive at our present age, but, alas ! we could not avail
ourselves of the good provision made for us by our
thoughtful parents, as neither one of us knew which
of us we were. The Duchess, as head of the family,
could not give her consent to anything, or advance any
money for the housekeeping as, for all she knew, she
might be one of her own sisters, in which case she
would have been touching that which did not rightly
belong to her. For the same reason Mellinid, not
knowing who she herself was, could not give her con-
sent to our remaining at the Hall, and likewise Edil
could not allow the magnificent house still to occupy
its lovely situation in the Blowdripping Park. After
talking the matter over, and over again, we have come
to the conclusion that, without the permission of the
proper owners, which, you will see, it is impossible for
us to obtain, the only course open to us was to abandon
our riches, and to leave the park and the castle for
ever. Our good uncle, putting all the blame for our
troubles upon his own negligence, insisted on accom-
panying us.'
At the conclusion of this strange story Bill was
certainly aghast at the very difficult problem put before
him, and quite at a loss to offer any solution. He
therefore conducted the trembling triplets and their
59
THE TRIPLETS
grief-stricken uncle before the King, who had in the
meantime arrived upon the shore. Bill explained the
difficult position in which the poor young things found
themselves ; but, wise as he undoubtedly was, the
King for some time could make nothing whatever of
it. He called all his officers and soldiers round him,
and they formed one great semicircle, of which he was
the centre ; the triplets were then placed before him,
and he at once proceeded to question them.
*Have you,' said he, addressing the first triplet,
* any idea as to which of the three of you you really
are ? '
' None whatever,' answered the child.
He then repeated the same question to the other
triplets, and received the same answer.
' Come now,' continued the King, in a cheerful
voice, * does any one of you feel at all like a duchess ? '
' We don't know how a duchess should feel,' they
all replied.
The King here frowned severely and ground his
teeth.
' Now, one of you must be telling an untruth,' said
he, * for one of you, as you say, is the Duchess, and
must know exactly how she feels, which must be how
a duchess feels. Come now, which of you is she ? '
And the quick-tempered monarch knit his brows into
the most terrible folds. 'Unless that one is one of
her own sisters and not the Duchess,' he roared,
' she ought to be ashamed of her deceit, and severely
60
THE TRIPLETS
punished ; and if, indeed, she is not the Duchess,
then she ought to be punished all the same. I've
half a mind to have the three of you smacked hard,
that I may at least be certain of punishing the
right one.'
Bill suggested timidly that perhaps this would be
rather unfair, as two of them at least would be unjustly
punished.
* But which two ? ' snapped the irritated King.
'How can any of them feel unjustly treated if she
doesn't know whether she's the guilty one or not?'
And he worked himself into a terrible fury, and strode
up and down the sands, no one daring to approach
him. Suddenly, without any warning of his intention,
he ran down to the sea, and removing his shoes and
stockings, cooled his temper by paddling his feet in
the sea-water. In a little time he returned, his excite-
ment much allayed, and soon the cries of the dis-
tracted and unhappy triplets, together with the pitiful
sighs of the dejected uncle, entirely assuaged the
wrath of the sympathetic, though quick-tempered,
old man.
When he once more resumed his place before the
three children the storm had passed, and a sweet,
good-natured smile enlivened his homely old face, and
charmed all beholders.
*Well, well, well,' said he, * triplets will be
triplets after all, and uncles uncles, all the world
over.'
61
THE TRIPLETS
He at once resumed the inquiry, and placing
his hand kindly on the head of the second triplet
he now addressed the first in the following way : —
' Let us suppose for the moment that you happen
to know which of your sisters this particular one really
is, who, in that case, would the third one be, if she
(the third) were not Mellinid ? '
' Either Edil or the Duchess,' promptly replied the
intelligent child.
' Quite right,' said the King encouragingly, ' Now
as this is not so, and you certainly do not know which of
your sisters this one happens to be, the reverse must
be true, so that if your other sister is neither Edil nor
the Duchess, who must she be ? '
' Mellinid, of course,' readily answered the child,
and every one applauded and wondered at the wisdom
of the King.
' It only now remains,' proceeded the King, address-
ing the first and second triplets ' to discover which of
you is Edil and which the Duchess.' Placing his hand
once more upon the head of the second triplet, he
again addressed the first.
* Suppose, for the sake of argument, that this sister
of yours whom we now know not to be Mellinid were
Mellinid and Mellinid the Duchess, in that case you
would assuredly be Edil. Now as you cannot suppose
this sister to be Mellinid when you know she is not,
and the Duchess is the Duchess and not Mellinid,
then our supposition must be wrong and the reverse
62
THE TRIPLETS
THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY
true, so that Mellinid remains Mellinid and, as we say
you are not Edil, then this Httle girl must be she.'
Then shaking the first triplet by the hand, the com-
placent old potentate said in conclusion : — ' And you,
my dear creature, are thus proved to be neither Edil
nor Mellinid but Blaura, the charming Duchess of
Blowdripping, to whom I offer my hearty congratula-
tions.' The cheerful soul now embraced the three
children, and when he had a hand free he slapped
the old uncle, who now looked the very picture of
happiness, several times upon the back.
Cheers were raised again and again at the unheard-
of wisdom of the King of Troy. The old uncle com-
pletely exhausted himself by leaping high into the
air over and over again, while the triplets were
beyond themselves with joy at such a successful
end to their troubles.
So delighted were the triplets with their new
friends that, during breakfast the next morning, they
announced their intention of accompanying them to
63
THE TRIPLETS
their journey's end, and entrusted the care of the
Blowdripping estate to their old uncle until they
should return. The camp packed up and when
every one was ready to continue the journey, they all
took an affectionate leave of the old man and
marched on.
E
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
AT first the King seemed disposed to be not a
/% little irritable towards the triplets, murmur-
X A. ing something to himself about the extra
expense. A good lunch, however, soon put him to
rights, and he was his old cheerful self again.
In the afternoon they met upon the road a long
thin man with a grin of the greatest self-satisfaction
widening his otherwise narrow face. In one hand he
carried a cage containing a miserable old bird that
could hardly boast an egg-cupful of feathers on its
66
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
whole shrivelled body ; in the other he carried a large
wooden box. He very good-naturedly stood aside for
the army to move on, but the King, whose curiosity
had been aroused, would not allow him to be passed
unquestioned, so he rang a little bell he always carried
with him for the purpose, and the whole force at once
stopped short. In obedience to a signal from the
King, the long man stepped jauntily before him.
* Anything wrong, old chirpy?' said he, addressing
the King rather rudely as some thought. * Not with
me,' the King replied with much dignity. ' My only
reason for calling you before me is to learn why you
are so extremely pleased with yourself Such a secret
would be of the greatest value to us all.' * Because
she's given these back to me,' answered the long
fellow as he opened his box and disclosed, all neatly
arranged, a beautiful collection of birds' eggs. Every
kind appeared to be there, and all of the most beauti-
ful colours imaginable.
' But who is she ? ' queried the King.
* Why, my good Aunt Galladia, of course, but it 's
too long a story to tell standing up, so let us sit down
by the roadside, and you shall hear all about it.'
Every one now seated themselves on the grass by
the side of the road and over a comforting cup of tea,
speedily brewed by Boadicea, the long man began his
story : —
*My good aunt's full name was Galladia Glow-
mutton, and she was the only daughter of that
67
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
gallant genei*al, Sir Francis Melville Glowmutton,
who distinguished himself so greatly in the defence
of his country.
* It was my good fortune to spend my earliest days
in this good creature's company, she, noble soul that
she was, having undertaken to look after me when my
poor father and mother disappeared in a sand-storm
many years before.
' The greater part of her life this good woman had
devoted to brightening the declining years of her well-
loved father, whose arduous life, poor man, had left
him in his old age, truth to tell, rather a tiresome,
and sometimes a difficult, subject to get on with.
However, thanks to her devotion and patience, he
led a tolerably happy life. In the course of time the
old warrior died and left the sorrowing lady well pro-
vided for, — that is, over and beyond necessaries, with
sufficient money to keep up appearances, and even
enough for her simple pleasures and hobbies.
* For some months my good aunt could not fill the
blank in her life left by the loss of her father. So
much kindness, however, could not be kept back for
long, and was bound in the course of time to find
its object. Always with a love for every feathered
creature, she at last set about gathering around her
as complete a collection of them as she could obtain.
Soon she had in her aviaries the most marvellous
assembly of birds ever brought together even at the Zoo.
There were specimens of the Paraguay gull, Borneo
68
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
parrots, Australian gheck ghees, the laughing grete,
Malay anchovy wren that only feeds upon anchovies
(and very amusing indeed it is, too, to watch them
spearing the little fish with their beaks and then trying
to shake them off again), and the golden-crested mussel
hawk, that swoops down from an incredible height
and, snatching its prey from the rocks, again dis-
appears in the sky. Without wearying you with a
long list, nearly every known bird was represented in
my aunt's collection, from the fierce saw-beaked stork
of Tuscaroca to the mild and pretty little Gossawary
chick.
*Much as she prized every one of her pets, she
loved most of all the very rare and beautiful green-
toed button crane of Baraboo. So fond was she of the
stately creature, and so careful of its every comfort,
that she employed a maid to wait on it alone, and a
special cook to prepare its meal of Peruvian yap beans,
the delicious and tender kernels of which the dainty
creature was inordinately fond of, — and, indeed, they
were the only food upon which it throve.
* Now, with your permission, a few words about
myself Like my aunt I, too, had birdish leanings,
but unlike her in this, that instead of birds I collected
birds' eggs, of which I had a vast number of every
conceivable variety. Ashamed as I am to state it,
little did my good Aunt Galladia know how many of
the valuable specimens in my collection were taken
from her aviaries. Nevertheless she viewed my
69
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
specimens with growing suspicion, until at last she
implicitly forbade me to collect any more. For a
time I desisted, and merely contented myself with
gloating over my already vast collection, but in a
little while temptation became too strong for me and
I resumed my pursuits.
*One afternoon about this time I had mounted a
tall tree in the Glowmutton Park, intent on obtaining
the contents of a nest built in its highest branches.
For some time I was unable to approach the nest,
but at length, by dint of much perseverance, I just
managed to reach my hand over the top, and took
therefrom three beautiful eggs, of a kind as yet un-
represented in my collection. So occupied was I
with my prize, that I did not at first observe what
was taking place beneath the tree. But on beginning
to descend, I saw to my horror immediately below me,
my Aunt Galladia and her pet crane seated at tea,
with the crane's maid in attendance.
* Needless to say I did not continue my descent,
but climbed out to the end of a branch, high over the
group. I waited in dreadful suspense in the hope
that my aunt would not look up, and that they would
soon finish their meal and depart as quickly as they
had arrived, but, alas ! they were in no hurry. I
trembled now so much that I could hear the leaves
rustling on the branch, and whether it was that in my
fear I loosened my hold, or that the branch shook so
under my trembling form, or whether the sight of a
70
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
|si«-'^^4^
I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS
beautiful plum cake, directly over which I was poised,
made me lose my nerve, I know not, but certain it is
that I fell from my position right on to the table.
Both my aunt and the maid fainted at once quite
away, and the timid green-toed button crane of
Baraboo was in such a terrible flutter that in its
excitement it snapped the slender gold chain that
held it and flew into the sky, where it was soon lost to
view. " Now I 've done it," thought I, and, no doubt,
should have run away had I been able to move, but I
was so bruised that I was compelled to remain among
the shattered remains of the table and tea things.
Presently the maid came to, and then my aunt, and
nothing could exceed her rage and grief at losing her
valuable pet. They took me home between them and
put me to bed, and the severest punishment they
could devise was to take away from me my lovely
71
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
I ANGLE THE AIR
collection of egg^. "Never," shrieked my wrathful
aunt, "shall you have these again until you bring
back to me my beautiful crane."
'After a while I recovered, but no one dared to
speak to me, and I moped about the house in solitary
wretchedness without a single egg to contemplate.
' At last I could bear it no longer, and one night I
left the house determined never to return again with-
out the crane. I took with me an old perambulator,
in which I had been wheeled about as a child, and
72
I fell from my position
'^I'wm^
j^'^m^w^
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SANDS
in this I placed six of the dehcious kernels of the
Peruvian yap bean, besides a hatchet and other things
which I thought might be useful on my journey. I
slept in the forest and, on the following morning I cut
down the straightest tree I could find for my purpose,
trimmed it to a fine long pole, and on the very top of
this I fastened a pin, bent to the form of a fish-hook,
which I now baited with one of the yap kernels.
* "If anything will attract the bird, this will," thought
I, having fastened the foot of the pole to my peram-
bulator. I now proceeded to angle the air for the
73
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
lost crane. Carefully following the direction I had
observed the bird to take when it broke away from its
chain, I travelled for weeks and weeks, without seeing
any sign of it. In time, without even a nibble, the
first kernel was dissolved and worn away by the wind
and rain, and, in like manner the same fate overcame
the second, with which I baited my hook; then the
third, then the fourth, and then the fifth.
'Still keeping the same direction, by this time I
had arrived at the very edge of the world, beyond
which there is nothing but sea and sky. Believing
that the poor creature had flown out over this lonely
sea, and hoping that it might return when it realised
that there was no land beyond, I determined to wait
on the desolate shore.
* I now erected my pole on the sands, after once
more baiting my hook, this time with a piece of my
last kernel, having taken the precaution of cutting it
into six pieces. I now waited patiently, week after
week, subsisting on the oysters, the starfish, and the
edible crustaceans, that wandered tamely about the
shore. Months now passed by, and, one by one, the
five pieces of my last yap kernel had followed the
other five kernels with which I had set out from home.
I am not easily beaten, however, and though many
months had passed by without my meeting with any
success, I would not give in, but husbanded my last
piece of bait with the greatest care. I cut a chip of j
wood from my angling pole, and shaped it in the form |
74 I
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN
of a kernel of the Peruvian yap bean. This I rubbed
well all over with the tiny piece of the real kernel that
yet remained to me, until it assumed somewhat the
colour of the original bean and, certainly, when applied
to the tip of the tongue, it appeared to partake, though
very slightly, it is true, of the original flavour, and with
this I once more baited my hook.
* By this means I made my last piece of bean last for
some years, for as soon as the artificial bean had lost
its flavour, I rubbed it up again with the real one.
But even this could not go on for ever, and, at last,
the true piece was worn right away ; so, to preserve
what little flavour there yet remained of the true bean
in the false bean, on which it had been so often rubbed,
I soaked it for six days in a large shell of rain-water.
In the meantime I cut another chip from my pole, and
spent nearly six days in carving out another artificial
75
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
kernel. Before baiting my hook with this, I dipped it
into the fluid in which the old wooden kernel was still
soaking, whence it received a very very faint suggestion
of the original flavour, but so faint was this that it had
to be redipped three times a day. This went on for
some time, until the precious liquor began to run low,
and I was compelled to dilute it still further, in the
proportion of about five drops to a mussel-shellful of
water, into which the wooden kernel was now dipped
ten or twelve times a day.
' Well, I had been at this game, I should say, getting
on for twenty years, and now resolved to have done
with it, after risking all on one throw. So I dropped
my wooden kernel, all rotted and weather-beaten as it
was, into what little there remained over of the pure
liquor, this time without diluting it at all, and then let
it stew all day in the sun.
* In the evening the liquor was all evaporated, and
the wooden bean seemed to the taste as though it
possibly might have been in the vicinity of a real one
some time before. On that evening, for the last time,
I baited my hook and slept soundly at the foot of
the pole.
* I was awakened next morning by the wind that
had arisen during the night, and a great wrenching
noise, as it tore my poor old angling-pole from its
place in the sand, and carried it out to sea.
' " That settles it once and for all," thought I, much
relieved, " and I 'm off* home," and I set about getting
76
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
my things together. While I was thus engaged, it
occurred to me that the old pole might be useful for
fires, so I swam out for it. Already it had been blown
some way out to sea, and, as the tide was against me,
it was only with a very great exertion of strength that
I gained at all upon it, and I was just about to give it
up when I beheld, fastened to the bent pin at the end
of the pole, the wretched crane. The sight lent me
greater strength, and, after incredible exertio/ns, I
reached the pole almost exhausted. We were now
too far from the shore to attempt to return, so I got
astride the pole, and immediately proceeded to un-
fasten the unhappy fowl from my bent pin. At first I
thought the poor thing dead, but I nursed it in my
arms all through the ensuing night, and, on the follow-
ing morning, iiappening to glance down its half-opened
beak, I could just see that my wooden imitation of
the kernel of the Peruvian yap bean had become
lodged in its throat. This I at once removed, and, to
my great joy, the dejected fowl almost immediately
opened its eyes. Soon it became its old stately self
again, though now I could see that the poor thing had
aged very considerably since it left home.
' Well, to cut a long story short, at length the gale
ceased, and we landed safely on the shore, much nearer
to our home, and, after many vicissitudes and adven-
tures, of which I shall have great pleasure in telling
you at another time, we eventually arrived at Glow-
mutton Castle.
. 77
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
* To my grief I learnt that my good aunt, Galladia,
had died many years before of old . age, and that, true
to her own good-nature, her last commands were that
if ever I should return with her dearly-loved fowl, my
collection of eggs was to be handed back to me, and
in recompense for all my privations and exertions to
recover the bird, I was to have the care of it and the
comfort of its society as long as it lived. So, now you
see why I am so pleased with myself
The King and the whole army were charmed with
the recital, and the long man, whose many noble
qualities had already endeared him to them, was cor-
dially invited to join the forces.
* It 's all one to me, my cronies,' said the good-
natured creature, and they all trudged on.
THE DOCTOR
THE DOCTOR
FOR many days they had now travelled without
meeting with any adventure, when one evening
they saw coming towards them a bright young
lad, who was leading by the hand an exceedingly
learned-looking old gentleman. Their appearance was
such as to arouse the King's curiosity to such a degree
that he asked the boy the time as he was passing, and
then, when all stood still in the road, he led the talk
from one thing to another until at last, emboldened
by their friendliness, the King came to the point,
80
THE DOCTOR
and asked the lad who he was and whence he had
come.
The two strangers then sat down at the side of the
road, and the lad thus addressed the King : —
* You may not believe it, but I am the original
Ptolemy Jenkinson, the only and well-beloved nephew
of that great and celebrated doctor, Ebenezer Scrout,
whom you now see at my side. When, a trembling
orphan, I was thrown upon an unfeeling world, he
alone of my numerous uncles, aunts, so-called friends
and guardians, undertook to find me a comfortable
and even luxurious home, and so to educate me
that I might prove worthy of occupying the exalted
position for which I am destined.
* Uncle Ebenezer was my mother's brother and, a
true Scrout, he inherited all his good qualities from
my grandfather, Phelim Scrout, the well-known turf-
cutter, from whom, by the way, I inherit most
of mine — but of these it does not become me to
speak.
* Many people, jealous perhaps of his great fame,
have ridiculed my uncle's claim to be a member of
this ancient family, but to set this matter for ever at
rest, I have here copied a few notes from the Scroutean
genealogical tree, preserved in the archives of the
family.' Ptolemy Jenkinson here took from his pocket
and handed to Bill a sheet of paper upon which
the following notes were written in a clear bold
hand : —
F 81
THE DOCTOR
MISTS OF THE PAST
Phelim Scrout = Molly ?
(The well-known turfcutter)
Tod Scrout = Mandy M'Guire Pearl (died of
megrims at an
early age)
Lu Ebenezer Mandy Cassandra = Wat Lil
Tom Jenkinson
Ptolemy
When these had been examined by the company,
Ptolemy resumed his tale : —
* Uncle Eb, as I very soon learned to call him, was
ever the victim of his own generous heart. Continually
adopting people, both old and young, he was doomed
to be taken advantage of by those to whom he was
most kind. How well can I remember, amongst many
another ungrateful adopted son, uncle, aunt or cousin,
young Sigurd, the birthday-monger, who entered the
family about the same time as myself It was he who
secretly wrote his name on each page of Uncle Eb's
birthday-book and received a present every day from
the absent-minded old gentleman until he was dis-
covered writing his name twice on some pages and
was straightway disadopted.
* Not alone to his own family circle was the doctor's
82
FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS
THE DOCTOR
kindness confined; it extended to all with whom he
came in contact. Before sending in his bills he always
provided his patients with enough money to pay them,
and promptly returned the cash with the receipts,
deducting only one penny for the stamp in each
case.
* Invariably most sympathetic with his suffering
patients, he spent many years of his noble life in
studying how to make his medicines as pleasant and
sweet to the taste as the most delightful confections
ever placed upon the Lord Mayor's table, while his
greatest endeavour was always to make a period of
sickness one also of pleasurable relaxation for his
patients.
' In time the children went mad with excitement,
and jumped for very joy on learning that they had
contracted measles, and would far sooner, any day,
have the mumps than a birthday every w^eek. And
oh ! what thrills of joy would pass through their little
frames on learning that they would have to lie up for
a bilious attack and be attended by the good-natured
Doctor Ebenezer Scrout, and treated with his delicious
jalaps and powders.
' Unfortunately, however, so pleasant was the treat-
ment, that the children in time were even tempted to
make themselves ill on purpose, by eating as many
jam puffs as they could buy with their Saturday monies,
and soon nearly every child was down with a bad
bilious attack, and all the schools had to be closed.
84
THE DOCTOR
*Even the grown-ups began to indulge in these
jam puffs, buying them in large quantities and falling
ill one by one, much preferring to be tucked up snugly
in bed with a comfortable bilious attack and the good-
natured doctor in attendance, to ordinary good health
and hard work, with the many disappointments and
trials of everyday life.
* First the Lord Mayor was taken bad — then the
leader of the town band and all his bandsmen. Now
the shopmen began to feel queer, and one by one the
aldermen toddled to their beds. In time everybody
was laid up, and no one was left to do the work of the
town. All the shops, theatres, markets, and railway
stations were closed, and the streets quite deserted
except for the doctor and the puff baker, each trying
to undo the work of the other.
'Hardly a sound could be heard in the streets
except perhaps the clink of a spoon against a bottle
from a room above, as some patient prepared his
evening dose, or the shuffling footsteps of the old
doctor as he went his daily round, and sometimes the
loud rat-tat of the puff baker would awaken the echoes
of the lonely streets as he called from door to door
for orders in the morning.
'Strange grasses and sweet-scented wild flowers
began to grow in the streets, and mushrooms and
straggling carrots forced a way between the crevices
of the pavements. Sprays of wild spinach hung from
the lamp-posts, and the market-place became one
85
THE DOCTOR
waving jungle of broccoli. The very sparrows, de-
prived of their daily crumbs, grew thin and nervy
with the green diet they were compelled to subsist
upon. Croaking and griding, instead of chirruping
musically to their young as is their wont, they so
affected the good-hearted doctor that he could never
pass them without some cheering word, and never
could he withstand the beseeching look in their eyes.
Within doors the prospect was hardly more en-
couraging. Strong vegetable-marrows twined their
branches and their many tendrils round the table legs
and the chairs ; great turnips stoutened and burst
upon the stairs ; spring onions bristled in the corners
of the Lord Mayor's dining-hall, while his grand piano
was completely hidden in the gorgeous festoons of
mint that, unchecked, had run a ragged riot about the
place.
' At last, after two months of sickness, and despite
every attention and kindness on the part of the doctor,
the patients began to weary of being ill and kept to
their beds for so long. The Lord Mayor was the first
to arise and, although very weak in the legs, he man-
aged to crawl to the top of the stairs, and looking
down, beheld, to his dismay, the dreadful state of ruin
in which everything was involved. He called for his
servants as loudly as his weakness would allow him,
and, obtaining no reply, he scrambled down the stairs
on his hands and knees, and clamoured shrilly for
a cut from the joint. As, of course, there was no one
86
THE PUFF BAKER
THE DOCTOR
TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS
to procure this for him nor, indeed, any joint from
which to procure a cut, he b6iled himself an egg, and
was able to survey the scene more calmly.
* Presently the aldermen crawled down one by one,
then the shopmen, then the bandsmen, and, finally,
the rest of the inhabitants, disturbed by the weeping
and yells of those already arisen, struggled down-
stairs, and in agony beheld the general devastation.
* Resolved not to touch another drop of the doctor's
medicine, they satisfied the cravings of their hunger,
which now began to be felt, on the wild marrows, tur-
nips, and mushrooms that everywhere abounded, and
by degrees regained a little of their former vigour.
*The Lord Mayor and aldermen, already feeling
a little more comfortable, held a long council, at which
it was decided that it would be less expensive to burn
the old town, and to build a new one on its site, than
to try and clear up the old one. It was also decided
88
The Lord Mayor held a long council
THE DOCTOR
AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE
to arrest the unfortunate doctor, whom they all now
joined in accusing as the cause of their trouble, and
bring him to trial.
* In the course of time the town was rebuilt, and
the doctor was the first prisoner to stand on his trial
at the new Town Hall.
* On the appointed day the Hall was crammed to
its utmost, as at one time the prisoner had been much
loved and looked up to by his fellow-townsmen.
* When the Lord Mayor arrived in state, between
two Admirals of the Fleet, and took his seat, the fore-
man of the jury awakened his brother-jurors, who had
been dozing off, and called for three cheers for the
Lord Mayor, in which everybody joined. The Lord
Mayor made no reply, except to frown severely at the
foreman, and proceeded at once with the business in
hand. " Lock all the doors and bring in the prisoner,"
89
THE DOCTOR
cried he in a loud voice, after clearing his throat. The
doors were instantly locked, but some confusion arose
when it was discovered that they could not bring in
the prisoner unless one were unlocked again. On this
being very politely pointed out to the Lord Mayor (who
did not seem quite to like being corrected), he altered
his order, and cried out : " Bring in the prisoner, and
lock all the doors." Immediately the band struck up
the most martial music and the prisoner was brought
in, tied tightly with twine, sealed with red sealing-
wax, and guarded by a squad of infantry, who at once
formed fours, and marked time for the rest of the
afternoon.
*When the music had ceased, and the general
excitement caused by the entrance of the prisoner had
subsided, the Lord Mayor politely requested him to
take a seat, which he very gladly did, on being untied
by the policeman.
* Now, as every one knew that the doctor had really
been the cause of all the trouble, the only point to be
decided at the trial was whether he had done it inten-
tionally or not, and the Lord Mayor addressed him
accordingly, asking him if he had anything to say upon
the subject. The doctor happened to be thinking of
something else at the moment and, moreover, had his
head turned in another direction, watching a fly on
the window of the hall, so that he did not hear the
question. The Lord Mayor waited about a quarter
of an hour for an answer, and receiving none, he
90
THE DOCTOR
' I'li,!*' ' ''■' ' ''
i
THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN
called, in an annoyed tone, for the witnesses for the
prosecution.
' The principal witness for the prosecution was a
Sicilian char-woman, whose evidence was translated by
one of the many aldermen present to assist in case of
need. It appeared that in her young days she had
made the acquaintance of a young and handsome
Sicilian waiter, a distant cousin, and a native of the
village in which she was born. So friendly did they
91
/"
THE DOCTOR
become in time that he had confided to her many of
the secrets of his life, and, amongst others, one that
had weighed very heavily upon his mind. Some time
previously, when employed at a well-known refresh-
ment hall, on the coast of Lombardy, he had waited
upon a distinguished young gentleman of considerable
means, and had overheard him whisper to a chance
acquaintance, seated at the next table, that a friend of
his, a tall dark man, had met a young lady at a whist-
party, whose greatest friend had an aunt, formerly
engaged to a well-meaning curate, who averred that
his brother knew for certain that it was done quite
INTENTIONALLY BY Here the waiter was called
away to another client, and did not hear the rest of
the sentence.
* Now the Sicilian char- woman, on hearing this
from her good friend, was much puzzled, and not
knowing to whom the words might refer, made a
mental note of it at the time. On reading of the
arrest of the doctor, however, and of what he was
accused, she concluded that there must be some
connection between him and the man mentioned
by the brother of the well-meaning curate formerly
engaged to the aunt of the greatest friend of the
young lady who was met at the whist party by the
tall dark friend of the young gentleman of consider-
able means who, as you know, was waited upon by
the Sicilian waiter at the well-known refreshment
hall in Lombardy, so she had hastened from Sicily
92
THE DOCTOR
to tell her tale. At the conclusion of her evidence
a murmur of admiration was heard all over the court,
and the Lord Mayor was so charmed with her and
the really pleasant way in which she had told her tale,
that he lightly threw a half-crown to her across the
hall, which she very neatly caught. She then sat
down, amidst the cheers of the crowd.
* The principal witness for the defence was a young
journeyman tailor, who stated that on cleaning out
the pockets of an old coat which had been left at his
house for repairs by a dark gentleman of mysterious
appearance, he had discovered an old envelope upon
which he could just trace the figures 56 — 6.30 a.m.
The coat was never called for, and the tailor pondered
over the envelope, but could make nothing of it. He
showed it to every policeman of his acquaintance,
but not one could unravel the mystery, and, as a last
resource, he procured an introduction to the principal
policeman in the British Museum Library. This great
man examined the envelope very carefully, but with
no result, and the only advice he could give him was
to call at every house numbered 56 at 6.30 in the
morning and see what would happen.
' The tailor followed this advice diligently for some
time and met with many rebuffs, as he had nothing to
say on the door being opened to him. At length one
morning he came to an empty house numbered 56,
the steps of which were littered with straw. Gazing
hopelessly at this for some time, he noticed that three
93
THE DOCTOR
pieces pointed distinctly in one direction to the
corner of the street, and you may well imagine his
surprise when, on following the direction indicated
by the straw, he came across this postcard.'
Ptolemy Jenkinson here handed this torn post-
card to the company.
Ptolemy again proceeded with his story : —
' Now the tailor, more puzzled than ever, took the
card home, and, after weeks of deep thinking, decided
that the card must have been completed thus.'
Ptolemy here handed the remaining portion of
card, with the tailor's suggested completion, to the
company.
' You may guess the surprise of every one present
when the tailor produced the completed card. The
Lord Mayor gazed at it in astonishment. He turned
it over and over, and suddenly noticing that there
was a foreign stamp on the other side, he became
more excited than ever, and asked if he might tear
94
THE DOCTOR
*.D MAVOO
'■"C STAMP. ^
^r-..
it off, as his son had rather a good collection. This
the tailor readily allowed him to do, and this put the
Lord Mayor in a good temper for the rest of the
afternoon, and gave a more cheerful aspect to the
case altogether.
'After the tailor's evidence, which, of course,
proved that the doctor had not intended to bring
about the harm of which he had been the un-
fortunate cause, there was nothing for the Lord
Mayor to do but to acquit the prisoner, which he
did, much to everybody's relief
*The Lord Mayor then retired, after ordering a
new suit of clothes from the journeyman tailor, and
inviting the Sicilian charwoman and the other
witnesses to progressive whist and to be introduced
to his family.
* So, Gentlemen,' said Ptolemy in conclusion, * my
uncle and myself are quite free at last, and entirely
at your service.'
95
THE DOCTOR
Such a valuable offer could not very well be
refused, so, after explaining the object of the expedi-
tion to their new friends, the whole force moved
joyfully on.
™^ RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
AND THE
BOY «!>COUT
"*" '^^ ■'«-o«.o^^,^„„o»*^
G
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLE-
MAN AND THE BOY SCOUT
IN due time the gallant army arrived at the little
town of Killgruel, a very respectable place
indeed, at which they spent the pleasantest of
week-ends, entertained at * At Homes,' soirees, and
receptions, to any number of which every member of
the expedition was invited during their brief stay.
Bill and the King were the guests of the very respect-
able and Right Honourable Hesketh Fitzgreynib, the
Mayor of Killgruel, who entertained them with the
extremest gentility imaginable. So respectable and
98
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN |
genteel was their host, that it had been said of him
that never had he been known to don the same suit
twice, having at the very least a new one every day ; j
nor had he ever been seen to remove his lavender '
gloves even at meal times. It was also reported that, !
not content with bowing most politely to every one he \
met in the street, he behaved in a like genteel manner
to all the pillar-boxes and lamp-posts that he passed j
upon his way, and that he always walked sideways \
down the street with his back to the wall, in order
that he should not be compelled to turn it upon the
passers-by. Whether these reports are true or not,
it is certain that he was the most gentlemanly gentle-
man in all Killgruel, a town which could boast more
elegant and refined people than any other town in the
whole world. i
He was indeed the pride of Killgruel, and so
respected by his fellow-townsmen, who valued him I
greatly for his exceptional gentlemanliness, that he j
was not allowed to soil his hands by so much as a j
stroke of work, but only to be respectable from morning i
to night. An intelligent boy scout was employed to I
look after him, and even to think for him, with orders |
never on any account to leave him, so that in time i
this respectable gentleman became very respectable
indeed, and relying for almost everything on the \
intelligence and affection of the boy scout, who now '
performed for him even his duties as Mayor of
Killgruel, the good man was enabled to devote his |
99 I
8 'r ^ ^ i
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
whole thoughts to the cultivation of his respecta-
bihty.
His good wife, the Lady Lilian Leankettle, who
was extravagantly devoted to her husband, shone in
the same brilliant manner, and was quoted as a model
of gentility by all the good wives of the little com-
munity, while Bildith, their charming and handsome
daughter, gave every promise of inheriting their
interesting ways.
But delightful as all this was to the band of
warriors, on Monday morning they were compelled to
resume their journey. It was, however, so early when
they were ready to start that the gates of the town
were not unlocked, so the Honourable Hesketh, with
whom, as Mayor of Killgruel, the keys were always
left at night, allowed the scout to take the keys and
let the wanderers out. After a charmingly polite
farewell from the Right Honourable Hesketh and
others of their entertainers who had gathered by the
town hall to see them off, the gallant band marched
down the high street towards the only gate of the
town, headed by the intelligent boy scout. From the
first the King showed symptoms of being rather un-
manageable, and Bill had great difficulty in getting
him past the shops, which were now all taking down
their shutters, and when they arrived at the sweet-
stuff shop there was nothing for it but to go in and
buy him some cocoanut ice.
At length they managed to get clear of the gates,
100
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
which were then closed with a bang behind them, and
the last they saw of the intelligent boy scout was with
the great town keys held firmly between his teeth, in
order that he might hold with one hand the top of
the wall to which he had hastily climbed, while with
the other he waved a fond good-bye to the departing
wanderers.
With a great gurgling cry, which all took to be
one of grief at their departure, the affectionate lad
suddenly disappeared and the brave fellows resumed
their march.
Their road now took them across the mountains at
the foot of which nestled the little town of Killgruel.
Towards evening the noble fellows were crossing the
highest peaks of the range, weary, and looking forward
to their supper and a good night's rest, both of which
they proposed to take in the woods on the other side
of the mountains. Every one now began to notice
that the old King seemed worried about something or
other, and the further they marched the more fidgety
he became, until at last, when they had nearly de-
scended to the woods on the other side, the old
aggravator called his general to him and said : — ' Bill,
did you happen to notice in the window of the principal
sweet-stuff* shop in the Killgruel high street, three
fine fat sticks of liquorice leaning against the bottle
containing the pear drops? Well, I can't get them
out of my mind.' Bill tried to persuade him to forget
them, and talked of many other things, in order to
101
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
distract him from such thoughts. Presently he
appeared to grow easier, and as he did not for some
time again refer to the Hquorice sticks, Bill was
pleased to think that he had been successful in direct-
ing the old boy's thoughts into another channel.
However, as they were unpacking their things in the
woods at which they had now arrived and were lighting
fires, preparatory to cooking their suppers, the truly
exasperating creature again called Bill to him. * Bill,'
said he, with the most miserable face in the world,
*it's no good. I can't forget 'em, try as I will. I
don't want any of that nasty porridge I know they
are about to prepare for supper. I must have some
of those liquorice sticks.'
Hiding his annoyance as much as he could, Bill
tried to convince him how nice porridge really is and
how good for him, but the discontented old man, who
no doubt had been very much spoilt as a boy, would
hear nothing of it. ' I don't want to be done good to,'
cried he, *and if I don't have those liquorice sticks
to-night before I go to bed I know I shall get the
fidgets and not be able to sleep a wink.'
Bill now pointed out the difficulty of obtaining the
liquorice, the distance being so great that it would be
impossible to have it brought to the camp before mid-
night at the very earliest.
The King, however, was obdurate, and Bill Avas
now compelled, much against his will, to summon
the whole army together and call for a volunteer
102
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR BOXES
to fetch the hquorice, but not one, not even the
pluckful Chad, would venture to return alone to
Killgruel along the dreary mountain road in the
gathering night. Bill then suggested that two or
three should return together and keep each other
company, but it was of no avail. At last, the only way
out of the difficulty that occurred to Bill was for half
the army to return for the liquorice, and the other
half to remain in the woods ; but here yet another
difficulty arose, for no one would stay in the woods
with the army weakened to that extent.
At length Bill returned to the whimpering old
potentate and once more endeavoured to dissuade
103
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED
him from his selfish purpose, but the more Bill talked,
the more obstinate the old King became, and had it
not been for the severe training Bill had had as a
minder, he must assuredly have lost control of his
temper.
*I must have that liquorice,' whined the old
grizzler, 'and if there is no other way of obtaining
it the whole army must pack up sticks and return
to Killgruel.'
Many were the growls of discontent uttered by
the poor fellows when Bill gave the necessary orders
to pack up again and prepare to return over the
mountains. Only by dint of the kindest words did
he restrain a mutiny, encouraging them at the same
time to humour the old baby and put up with his
strange ways until he was restored to his throne,
when, no doubt, he would make it up to them in
many ways.
104
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
In a little time the brave fellows were all on the
march again, but the day was breaking by the time
they arrived once more before the walls of Killgruel,
all utterly tired, grumpy, and footsore. Bill strode up
to the gates of the town, which, of course, at that time
of the morning were still closed, and pulled the bell
vigorously. He waited some time, and as there was
no reply, he pulled the bell again, and then, after
another interval, he rang it with all his force, but with
no result whatever. He could now, however, hear a
great muttering on the other side of the wall and
considerable running to and fro, so he determined to
wait patiently. At length the little wicket in the
gate was opened and one^ of the Killgruellers looked
out, and, recognising Bill and his comrades, hastily
shut the wicket again after promising to fetch the
Mayor.
Bill now waited a very long time before the
wicket opened again, and in the meantime his poor
comrades, nearly overcome with their fatigue and
their hunger, had set up their camp before the
walls and prepared their breakfast, after eating
which not one of them was able to keep his eyes
open a moment longer, and all fell fast asleep before
their fires. Even the old King dozed off and snored
peacefully in his tent, forgetting, for the first time
in twenty-four hours, the sticks of liquorice, upon
the enjoyment of which he had so much set his
heart.
105
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
STANDING ALONE UPON THE AVALLS
Bill alone of the whole force remained awake, and
waited and waited, and as he stood before the gates
of the little town, the noise within grew louder and
louder until there was a terrific hub-bub within the
walls. At last the wicket opened and the face of the
respectable Mayor appeared in the little opening, but
so altered that at first Bill hardly recognised his good
106
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
host of the day before, so upset and disturbed did he
seem.
The poor man then in the most nervous manner
explained that no one in the town had seen anything
of the boy scout nor of the town keys since he had let
the army out of the gate the previous morning, and
until they found them it was, of course, impossible to
let any one in. However, the good fellow (who
certainly seemed rather helpless without his faithful
attendant), besought Bill to wait patiently, as they
had not yet given up hope of being able to open the
gate. The wicket was again hurriedly closed, and
Bill, sitting down by the gate, prepared to wait as
patiently as he could. So tired, however, was the
noble lad, that in spite of all his endeavours to remain
awake he soon fell fast asleep. Long and deeply
did he slumber, when he was awakened by a most
terrible and deafening noise within the town, which
had been growing greater and greater during his
repose.
Fortunately all in the camp, on account of their
great fatigue, were so deep in sleep that the great
uproar was unable to awaken them, but Bill at once
stood up and scaled the walls to ascertain if possible
the cause of the awful din.
The hub-bub was truly deafening, and from his
position on the walls Bill could see all over the little
town, which was in a shocking state of confusion.
The contents of every house were turned into the
107
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
streets, and the distracted inhabitants everywhere
hunting amongst the furniture and taking it to pieces
in their search for the lost keys. Beds were cut open
and discharged their feathers in great clouds that
floated about the town ; the church steeple had been
removed and shaken, and the inside well scoured;
many of the good people were descending chimneys
attached to lines ; pavements were lifted, cellars
ransacked, the Town Hall taken to little pieces, old
houses pulled down, pillar-boxes cleared out, and
lamp-posts blown through by the perplexed and
almost frantic Killgruellers in their efforts to find
the lost keys. All the milk, the wine, the water,
the lemonade and the gravy were being strained
through butterfly nets or lawn tennis rackets, and,
after melting it down, all the butter, dripping and
lard was treated in the same way. The treacle tanks
and great reservoirs of linseed tea were thoroughly
dragged, but with no result whatever.
A great procession of the townsmen nearly filled
the high street which led from the gate to the further
end of the town. One by one they approached the
gates and tried every key they possessed. All kinds
of keys, latch keys, watch keys, cupboard keys, box
keys were tried, but not one could be found that
would open the lock. To make matters even more
unbearable, the respectable Mayor, to whom, of
course, every one looked for direction and advice
in their trouble, was of no earthly use whatever
108
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
DANGLING BY HIS LEGS
without his scout, upon whom he had so accustomed
himself to rely, that he was perfectly helpless without
him. His respectability, exert it as much as he would,
made no difference of any kind upon the situation,
except, perhaps, to place the poor man in everybody's
way.
Bill returned to the King who, with the whole
camp, was now wide awake, and wondering what on
earth was taking place in the town. Bill at once
hastened to explain the state of things, in the hope
that the old man would at last give up all idea of the
109
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
liquorice ; but in this he was much mistaken, for,
instead of replying to Bill, the grumpy old provoker
turned sulky and would not say a word, so that there
was nothing for the poor lad to do but to wait with
what patience he could assume.
The day declined, with no lessening of the terrific
din within the town, and the gates remained obstinately
closed. As evening approached, little clouds of smoke,
with now and again a spurt of flame, could be seen
rising from the other side of the walls. Presently a
single Killgrueller was observed upon the walls, from
which he nimbly leapt to the ground on the outer side,
and made off* round the base of the mountains, in an
opposite direction to the camp. Now another appeared
and disappeared in the same way ; then another and
another, and yet another, and then families of two,
three, and four. At last whole crowds came scrambling
over the walls, and vanished in the same direction,
all carrying as many of their belongings as they could
conveniently bring along with them.
This went on until all the inhabitants, with the
exception of the Mayor, had left the now blazing town,
when he was seen standing alone upon the walls. Like
the captain of a sinking ship, the noble fellow had
waited until all had found safety before he sought it
for himself. Bill hastened to assist him in his descent,
and no sooner had the poor man reached the ground
than Bill led him gently before the King and all the
officers of the Httle army, who were assembled together
110
The Respectable Gentleman
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
watching the flames, and besought him to give them
some explanation of these truly unaccountable pro-
ceedings of the Killgruellers.
* Alas ! and alack-a-day ! ' sighed the unfortunate
gentleman, * allow me first of all to put four questions
to you. Firstly, What is the good of a locked lock
without a key ? '
They were all forced to admit that it was of no use
whatever.
* Secondly, What is the good of a gate with a useless
lock that won't unlock ? '
No earthly use, all again admitted.
* Thirdly, What is the use of a town if you can't
get into it ? '
Of course, they all agreed there was only one answer
to that.
*And now, fourthly and lastly,' said the Mayor,
* What do you do with all useless things ? '
* Destroy them,' Bill promptly rejoined.
* Exactly,' said the Right Honourable Hesketh,
* and that is what we have done with our now useless
town, and all the inhabitants are hastening to build
another town on the further side of the mountain, the
gates of which shall always be nailed open in order
that such a dreadful calamity may not occur again.'
Bill somehow could not help thinking that there
might have been another way out of the difficulty, but
he did not like to say so. The old King at last realised
that the Killgruel liquorice was not for him, so he
111
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
offered no serious objections when Bill, early next
morning, gave the necessary orders to pack up and
prepare for the march, which they now resumed. The
respectable gentleman preferred to remain with them
rather than again face the unfortunate Killgruellers.
They had not advanced very far upon their road,
when Bill, who generally walked a little in advance of
his troop, heard a strange clanking noise that appeared
to proceed from a tall tree at the wayside. Wondering
what odd bird possessed such an unmusical song, he
allowed his gaze to wander thoughtfully among the
leaves when, suddenly, what should he behold but the
form of the vanished scout, dangling by his legs from
a branch, and every time the tree was gently stirred
by the breeze, there came forth upon the air this
weird sound.
Bill hastened to cut him down, but, to his unspeak-
able surprise, the unhappy young stripling cried,
' Don't, don't ! the keys ! the keys ! ' He then explained
that when bidding farewell to them the other morning
from the walls of Killgruel, in his excitement he had
suddenly fallen back and swallowed the keys which, at
the time, he had been holding between his teeth. Bill
now recalled the strange cry that the poor lad had
uttered as they left Killgruel on that occasion. How-
ever, in spite of his reluctance to be right side up
again until he had recovered the keys. Bill insisted
on fetching him down, and, in the severe struggle that
ensued, the keys fell out of the boy's throat.
112
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
When at length the army came upon the scene,
nothing could exceed the joy of the respectable Mayor
at beholding his good attendant, whom he had
despaired of ever seeing again. He easily persuaded
the willing young creature to remain with him, and
share the fortunes of the King of Troy, and thus,
with this very welcome addition to their forces,
the gallant band marched on.
THE
SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
SOME weeks after leaving Killgruel, the noble
little band entered a great forest, in the middle
of which they overtook a stately char-woman ;
and no sooner did the Doctor behold her than he left
the ranks, and going up to her, shook her kindly by
the hand. He then introduced her to the King as
the Sicilian Char-woman, and very chatty and pleasant
she proved to be, and as she was travelling in the
same direction, she graciously entertained them with
the story of her life : —
*You may indeed find it more than difficult to
116
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
believe me when I aver that I am the daughter of an
Arabian Prince, and that in my early years I was con-
sidered not merely the most intelligent, but also the
most beautiful and fascinating creature in my father's
dominion. As companions in my early childhood I had
sixteen elder sisters, all of whom were blessed with
singularly affectionate natures, and were generally
declared to be only less beautiful and intelligent than
myself No care or expense was spared in our educa-
tion and in fitting us for the truly exalted position it
was hoped that we should occupy, as the daughters of
a distinguished Arabian Prince. With this good end
in view, the services were secured of the best of music-
masters, dancing-masters, and instructors in the many
graceful accomplishments that were becoming to our
rank ; yet, alas ! with all that one could reasonably
ask for, with every whim and wish gratified almost
before it was expressed, with the most indulgent of
parents, whose sole joy was to fill our lives with
happiness, a settled melancholy by degrees possessed
my soul and rendered me unfit to share the youthful
pleasures of my sisters. It was not that I was in any
way unmindful of all the kindness shown to me in
countless ways, but that a craving, always with me
since my earliest days, to see the wonderful world
I had so often heard described in glowing terms,
grew with me as time went by, and, weary of the
idle life I led, I longed to use and develop in wider
fields the great intelligence I had been gifted with.
117
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
* At first, as was to be expected, my parents would
not hear of my leaving them, but seeing that
I grew sadder and more discontented day by day,
they at length reluctantly gave their consent, for,
after all, what greater wish had they than for my
happiness.
' After many consultations with the wisest men in
my father's court, it was decided that I should take a
course of instruction at the Royal Charing College of
Sicily, and, on the fateful day, I took leave of my
sorrowing parents and sisters, and, in charge of the
Grand Yizier, left for Sicily.
'With such good introductions as my father was
easily able to command, I had no difficulty in gaining
an entry to the College, in which I very soon learnt
to distinguish myself No lack of enthusiasm and
industry did I bring to my tasks, and a native ability
far above the average soon found opportunities for
development, so that in the course of time I was
discharged, a fully certified and perfected char-
woman.
* Since those early days my skill, my virtues, and
my affections have been devoted to the welfare of
many families, some of whom were undoubtedly good,
some indifferent, while some again were undoubtedly
bad. But without any question the worst household
of all was that of the Pettigrew Leanmuffins, when
first I devoted myself to the wellbeing of its members.
Afterwards, however, as you shall hear, their trials,
118
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
together with my disinterested conduct, wrought a
reformation in their natures as astounding as it was
welcome to all who knew them.
* Mr. Pettigrew Leanmuffins himself, a man of some
attainments, though ill-tempered and close to a degree
bordering on meanness, had little enough to do with
me, hardly ever, indeed, disguising his efforts to ignore
my very existence ; but no words at my command
could describe the ungenerous nature of Mrs. Lean-
muffins, who not only refused to concede any little
favours to me, such as gracefully offering to entertain
my worthy friend the waiter and his respectable
family, but even denied, with much asperity, my right
to enjoy an afternoon nap on the drawing-room
lounge.
* Of no value, in her prejudiced eyes, were the
hardly-earned diplomas that had been awarded me
during my five years' course at the College, and though
richly illuminated with gold, amethysts and pearls,
and framed in gorgeously brocaded velvet, she would
not hear of my certificates for charing being displayed
on the walls of the music-room beside her daughters'
certificates for musical proficiency. With such poor
examples as their parents constantly before them, it is
not to be wondered at that the three daughters,
Grillette, Pandalaura, and Blen should discover to
one, who would have been their good friend, natures
so mean that there seemed little promise of their ever
possessing more generous dispositions. Rather, the
119
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
I TOOK LEAVE OP MY SORROWING FATHER
wonder is that they were not really worse than they
were, and beyond the chance of any reformation.
* Each valued her own paltry and merely ornamental
accomplishments at a far higher rate than my own
well proved and certified skill in the serious art of
charing, and in their own rude way they never missed
an opportunity of reminding me of their fancied
superiority.
* During these early years of trial no other con-
solation had I than the society of the youngest of the
Leanmuffin brood — Basil Herbert, one who as yet
120
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME
had not developed the mean disposition of his parents
and sisters. For hours together, when the other
Leanmuffins were away at some jaunt or frohe mayhap,
would I, perhaps smarting under some recent indignity,
pour forth my troubles into his not unwilling ears.
Though but two years of age at the most, he seemed
to understand, and I felt that in his own quiet way
he gave me his sympathy. I therefore resolved in my
young heart that he, at least, should not be spoilt,
and to save him from falling to the depths of the
other Leanmuffins was now my one hope in life.
121
THE SICILIAN CHAH-WOMAN
' How often would I, in dumb show, act kind deeds
before him in httle scenes and plays that I had
composed for the purpose, using the kitchen utensils
to personify my various characters, thus accustoming
his growing mind to kind thoughts, until in time he
gave promise of becoming as virtuous as he was hand-
some,
' He endeared himself to all by his amiable ways,
though none suspected to whose loving and untiring
care they were due, and friends, nay, even strangers
from distant lands travelled to see him, and marvelled
at his decorous and kindly behaviour, which charmed
as well as astonished all beholders.
*His virtues, however, strong as they were, did
not render him immune to the weaknesses to which
young children are liable, and in his fifth year he
developed a chilblain of the most painful description.
Every remedy was tried, dried turnip seed, applications
of roasted capers, poultices of wild figs and nard,
fomentations of honey and turbot's roe, and many
other recipes for the curing of chilblains, recom-
mended by anxious friends. Nevertheless the blain
grew chillier and chillier until at last they were com-
pelled to send for a physician.
* The physician, after spending a whole afternoon
examining the foot, eventually took the most serious
view of the case imaginable, and hastily wrote out the
following prescription, promising to call again in a
few days : —
122
Basil Herbert develops a chilblain
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
1 Pint New Gruel.
1 gr. Tincture of Green Acorns.
i gr. Hypo.
^ gr. Castor Sugar.
3 Clove Kernels.
^ lb. Coffee Essence. *
f lb. Sugar of Zinc.
2 gr. Bisulphite of Lead.
1 Pint Spirits of Sulphur.
5 gr. Bicarbonate of Saltpetre.
1 oz. Table Salt.
' Three drops to be mixed in a quart of lukewarm
water and gently rubbed into the roots of the blain
every five minutes, day and night, until its disappear-
ance, which, if all went well, should take place in
about six months' time.
'I was sent out at once, without a "please" or
"will you kindly" of course, to the nearest chemist
to have the prescription made up. But, alas ! he was
unable to do it, as he had only three of the necessary
ingredients in stock, — the bicarbonate of saltpetre,
the table salt, and the hypo. I now went in turn to
every chemist in the town, only to find that not one
of them could supply me with all the necessary in-
gredients. One perhaps had the tincture of green
acorns and the hypo, while another had all but the
coffee essence and the clove kernels. Some again
only had the spirits of sulphur and the sugar of zinc,
and so on. Now, in my despair, I resolved to buy
123
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
each separate ingredient at a different store and mix
the prescription myself, but, alas! I was no nearer
obtaining it, as no one could supply me with the
clove kernels. Determined to succeed, I visited in
succession every town in Sicily, but not a single clove
kernel could I find from one end of the island to the
other.
*As I stood on the sea-shore at the edge of the
island wondering what next I should do to complete
the prescription, my thoughts flew across the sea to
my home in Arabia, and I decided to return there at
once in the hope of learning from my parents where I
should be most likely to find the kernels.
* With the other ingredients securely sewn into the
lining of my skirt, I embarked for Arabia, and in due
course arrived at my father's palace.
* When my good parents recognised me, which they
did only after some minutes of close scrutiny, for it was
at least twenty-five years since I had left home, they
extended to me the kindliest welcome, and by their
affectionate conduct dispelled any restraint I might
have felt after so long an absence. In the meanwhile
each of my sixteen sisters had married a Sultan or
Prince at the very least, and they were now reigning
in truly regal splendour in different parts of the
world, and my parents, being alone in their old age,
begged of me to come and live with them and gladden
their declining years. This, however, I soon con-
vinced them I could not do, and besought their help
124
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN
and advice in my quest. The Prince, my father,
manifested the greatest desire to assist me, and took
a fatherly interest in my fortunes. He caused the
palace to be ransacked from top to bottom, but with
no success, — there was not a single clove kernel to be
found in the place.
* After an affectionate parting with my father and
mother, I visited every one of my married sisters in
turn, each of whom introduced me to her husband
and friends with considerable pride, for you must
know that already my fame as a char-woman of great
ability had reached even to the most distant parts.
One and all were equally felicitous in their expres-
sions of delight at seeing me, and equally pressing
in their invitations to me to take up my abode with
them. Yet none were able to help me in the quest I
had so much at heart.
*At last I returned to Sicily without the clove
kernels, and, too ashamed to appear before the Lean-
125
THE SICILIAN CHARWOMAN
muffins without the completed prescription, I wandered
about the island in despair, resting at night in the
caves of the mountains, satisfying the cravings of my
hunger on the hard dry leaves of the cactus.
* I now bethought me of my good friend the waiter
and the willingness he had consistently evinced to help
me when in trouble, and once more I embarked, this
time for the shores of Lombardy, at which place I
knew he had a comfortable situation. With very
little difficulty I found the refreshment establishment
at which he Avorked, and, as I anticipated, he was
extremely pleased to meet me again, and manifested
the liveliest joy at the prospect of being of some help
to me. Together we studied the menu of the day
very thoroughly, but could find no mention whatever
of clove kernels, and then, idly looking through some
menus of recent date, handsomely bound together
for future reference, we discovered that clove kernels
had been served as recently as the day before. It
would be useless to attempt to describe the despair
that took possession of me when I discovered that I
had only missed them by one day. The waiter ex-
citedly rushed down to the kitchen to see if any had
been left over, but, alas ! there was not a single clove
kernel to be found in the larder or anywhere else.
On leaving the refreshment rooms I shed the bitterest
tears that had ever fallen from my usually joyful eyes,
and on the rocks by the sea gave way to a mood of
the greatest despondency.
126
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
'More ashamed than ever to return to the
Leanmuffins, I made several inquiries for any one
requiring the services of an amicable, virtuous,
and, at the same time, experienced char-woman,
determined to find work in Lombardy if any were
to be had.
' Not receiving satisfactory replies to my inquiries,
my good waiter, true to his kind nature, introduced
me to one of his most regular customers, the Marquis
of Lombardy, who had been looking out for some
years for a capable char-woman to superintend the
management of his domestic affairs. Meeting with
the approval of the Marquis, I thus secured a com-
fortable home, and resolved to forget that I had ever
lived in Sicily.
*Now it happened that the Marquis, being a
regular diner at the restaurant, had partaken of
clove kernels on the last occasion they were served,
and three or four must have fallen from his spoon
into his waistcoat pocket at the time, for I overheard
his valet repeat to the housemaid that he had found
them therein when brushing his master's clothes, and
that he had presented them to one of the boatmen's
children. Learning the name of the child, not a
moment did I lose in hunting for him high and low,
and eventually discovered him playing idly on the
sands with what, I was convinced, were the kernels
I so much coveted. At last, thought I, they are
within my reach, and running joyfully up to the light-
127
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
hearted lad discovered, alas ! that he was only playing
with brass buttons.
* After the first shock of my new disappointment
had passed away, I questioned the lad as to how he
had disposed of the clove kernels, and he told me
that his father, who considered them excellent bait,
had taken them from him and given him three brass
buttons in exchange.
* On asking him where his father was at the present
moment, he pointed with his sunburnt hand to the
horizon, and looking in the direction indicated, I
perceived a little fishing-smack, miles away. Without
the loss of a single second, I hired a boat, and, with
a boatman to assist, rowed in pursuit, and after a
chase of three or four hours drew up, in an exhausted
condition, alongside the smack. I now in piteous
tones begged the clove kernels of the weather-beaten
mariner, but he only laughed loudly and bitterly in
reply, and, on my inquiring the reason of his cruel
mirth, told me in faltering accents that he had only
just hauled in his lines to discover that the fish had
gone off with the bait and hook as well. Thus doomed
to disappointment, I spent the rest of the day in a
state of mind bordering on madness.
' It was a little time after this that, one evening, I
was sitting over the kitchen fire. The cook had just
served up an excellent dish of fish, and my mind was
still turning to Sicily in spite of my endeavours to
forget that there was such a place, and wondering if
128
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAJST
THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED
ever I should see Basil Herbert again. Suddenly
there was a most terrible disturbance overhead in
the dining-room, a noise as of plates being thrown
from one end of the room to the other, and presently
wild shrieks and groans of pain. I ran lightly upstairs,
always ready to be of use in emergencies of any kind,
and opened the dining-room door just in time to see
the Marquis raving most pitifully. It transpired that
the very identical fish that had swallowed the hook
I 129
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
-jl J=-J U ^JlRi
DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL
and the clove kernels had been caught and served
up to the Marquis's table, and he, poor man, had
just swallowed the hook. Taking in the situation at
a glance, I soon saw the probability that the three
clove kernels, or one or two of them, were in the body
of the fish, and walking boldly into the room I grasped
the fish by the tail, and took to my heels.
'For miles I ran, out of the town and into the
country without stopping, until, quite exhausted and
out of breath, I sat down beneath a rock to rest. I
now examined the fish which I still held in my hand,
and found only two of the kernels in its body, the
Marquis having probably swallowed the third.
'However, although not the complete number
required by the prescription, they were better than
no clove kernels at all, so after resting awhile I re-
solved to return once more to Sicily.
'After some vicissitudes I arrived at last at the
130
THE SICILIAN CHARWOMAN
home of the Leanmuffins to find them all in despair.
Basil Herbert's condition had not improved, and the
physician had ceased his visits and gone in search of
me. I soon mixed the stuff*, which brought some
little relief to the unhappy young patient — but not
enough, as the lotion was not sufficiently strong
without the third clove kernel.
*We persevered, however, and the improvement
was just maintained. At last one evening when all
the members of the family were gathered round the
suff*erer's bed endeavouring to distract him by every
manner of entertainment conceivable and by cheerful
songs, glees, and the telling of interesting stories, there
came a low knock at the door and somebody inquiring
for me. Who should it be but my faithful friend the
waiter, who, on sweeping the floor of the Lombardic
refreshment room, had discovered a little clove kernel
in the corner, and, mad with delight at being able to
assist me, had hastened from Lombardy to bring me
the treasure. Small though it was, it was enough to
give the requisite strength to the lotion, and in due
course the young patient completely recovered.
* After their severe trials the Leanmuffins were
completely transformed ; from being ignoble, mean,
and unkind, they became generous in the extreme.
Their joy knew no bounds, and henceforth they made
me quite one of their family, and my friend the waiter
and his good people were asked to dine with us every
Sunday that they were in Sicily.
131
TME INTERVAL
jM^aUlLli'
•THE INTERVAL'
WHEN the Sicilian Char-woman had finished
the narration of her truly wonderful ex-
periences, and while the army were yet
applauding her, the King stepped down from his chair,
and taking the good woman by the hand, explained to
her the object of their great expedition. * And now,'
said the astute old monarch in conclusion, * powerful
134
*THE INTERVAL'
as we undoubtedly are, and as you can see for yourself
that we are, we have yet one weakness, and that weak-
ness is, that we cannot boast of a single char-woman of
any description within our ranks. It has occurred to
us, in listening to your story, that if you are able, as I
have no doubt you will be, to obtain a good character
from your last place, that we shall be delighted to
engage you as an assistant to the amiable Boadicea in
her attendance upon my person.'
* Fiddlesticks,' snapped the abrupt woman, *look
after your person indeed ! Look after it yourself,' and
the strange creature walked off. Unwilling to lose
such a treasure, the King called after her, and ex-
plained that if he had offended her it was quite un-
intentionally, and offered her any post she would like
to fill, of course providing that it had not already been
filled, in his army.
*Now you are talking reasonably,' replied the
quickly mollified creature. ' Well, as you are so very
kind, I don't mind being the flag-bearer.'
' But I am really afraid we have no flag,' objected
the King.
' Oh, we '11 soon settle that little difficulty,' replied
the woman. And she at once removed her apron
and snatching from the astonished Scout the staff he
usually carried with him, she tied the apron thereto
by its two strings and waved it proudly in the air
three or four times, at each time jumping as high as
she could.
135
'THE INTERVAL'
Every one cheered in their delight at the readiness
of the good woman, and congratulated each other
cordially on this interesting addition to their forces.
The King now stood up in his chair, and after
quieting the general excitement by ringing his bell,
he thus addressed his troops : —
* My dear old boys and girls, although, no doubt, I
appear to you a very fine man indeed, with a good
appetite and fairly well covered for my time of life,
I am not quite the man I should be. You must know
that in my early babyhood I was a victim to the
wicked carelessness of the royal cook. One morning
this thoughtless creature left an unboiled parsnip on
the garden path (had it been boiled and soft, my fate
had been different perhaps) while chatting with a
friend at the tradesmen's entrance. As ill luck would
have it, I was at the time playing on the palace roof,
to which I had climbed through the nursery chimney,
and, childlike, was gazing curiously at a strange bird
flying overhead, when I overbalanced and fell from
the roof right on to the parsnip on the garden path,
which, as you will guess, hurt me very severely indeed.'
The King here exhibited to his audience a dent on
his head in the form of a parsnip.
* On hearing of this my father, of course, was highly
indignant, and ordered the cook to be beheaded in-
stantly, or, at all events, as soon as she had finished
cooking the dinner.
*The dinner, however, was so excellent that my
136
*THE INTERVAL'
I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP
father, in his enjoyment of it, forgot all about my
mishap, and the cook went unpunished. Nevertheless
the shock to my system was so great that, feeling it
even to this day, as I have said, I am not the man I
should be. A trifle irritable now and again ; or more
sulky and disagreeable than I care to admit ; or at
times even harsh, morose, surly, snappish, rattish, and
short-tempered, all little failings you have no doubt
noticed, and which now, knowing my early misfortune,
you will more readily excuse.
*Well,' continued the King, *you will at least
understand that a little rest is good for me now and
again, so that, as we have already travelled half the
distance to my kingdom, I intend to give you all a
whole holiday to-morrow, and on the day following,
which happens to be my birthday, I will celebrate the
great occasion with a grand review, after which we
shall once more resume our long journey.'
137
'THE INTERVAL'
THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED
This welcome announcement was received with
the greatest enthusiasm by the brave fellows, and
loud cheers echoed again and again through the
forest, and a great feast was at once prepared.
Seated in a circle on the grass beneath the trees,
the good souls enjoyed to the full the simple fare
before them, and then, after once more cheering the
old monarch, retired to their tents to sleep, and to
dream of the morrow in store for them.
Next morning, with the exception of the old King,
138
THE INTERVAL'
ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY
who intended to rest and remain in bed all day, every
one was up betimes. After a hearty meal, Bill ex-
plained to them all the dangers of the great forest,
and the necessity of returning to camp at dusk.
Then, taking care not to disturb the King, they
all left the camp, different parties taking different
directions, seeking amusement wherever they could
find it.
Bill took care of his charges, who had the greatest
sport in the world, — tree-climbing, nutting, chasing
139
'THE INTERVAL'
butterflies, fishing in the pools, playing at Wild
Indians, Hunt-the-Stag, Robbers and Thieves, Poor
Jenny is a-weeping, Red Rover, and every really
sensible game that there is to play, while Boadicea
spent the time very happily in making beautiful
bunches of wild flowers.
Chad, however, was a bit of a nuisance, crying all
the morning because he was not allowed to eat toad-
stools ; so to keep him out of mischief. Bill tied him to
the highest branch of a very tall tree, and there left
him to have his cry out.
The Long Man took Ptolemy Jenkinson in hand,
and taught him how to bird-nest, at the same time
adding to his own valuable collection of eggs. The
Ancient Mariner made a swing for the Absent-minded
Indian, and wondered, while he was swinging him to
and fro, whether he enjoyed it or not, for the thought-
ful creature's face still gave no sign at all of what was
taking place in his mind, supposing he had one. The
Doctor spent the day upside down, with his feet
supported against the trunk of a tree and his nose
on the ground, while he studied the habits of the
stag-beetle. The Boy Scout practised scouting by con-
tinually losing his patron and then finding him again,
while the Respectable Gentleman himself kept his
respectability in hand by behaving most politely to
all the trees of the forest, — raising his hat to the
silver-birches, leaving his card on the ash-trees, intro-
ducing a hornbeam to a blackthorn, apologising to
140
And left him to have his cry out
*THE INTERVAL'
the thistles for treading on their lower leaves, and, in
fact, behaving like the perfect gentleman he was, and
having a really enjoyable day.
The Triplets played hide-and-seek, and the Sicilian
Char-woman set to and dusted and scrubbed down a
good number of the forest trees, and spent the rest of
the day in endeavouring to clear up the last year's
leaves that everywhere littered the grass.
It was quite late in the evening when all returned
to camp, quite tired out, and after supper each crept
quietly to bed without awakening the King, and soon
the whole camp was fast asleep.
In the morning every one awoke in the best of
spirits, and brimful of the many things they had to
tell of the happy time they had spent the day before.
The old monarch seemed much refreshed for his long
rest, and before sitting down to breakfast every one
in turn went up to him and shook the happy old boy
by the hand, wishing him many happy returns, after
which they all sat down and enjoyed a substantial
breakfast. Before the repast was quite finished, and
while the King was looking the other way. Bill walked
round the ring formed by the army as they sat upon
the grass, and collected birthday presents for the old
monarch. Every one was delighted to give something
to His Majesty to show how much they appreciated
his greatness, and when the old chap received the
many gifts, all done up in one brown paper parcel, he
was so overcome that he could hardly stammer forth
141
THE INTERVAL'
THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP
his thanks. And this is what he found in the parcel
when, with trembHng hands, he had succeeded in
opening it : —
From Bill,
From Noah, .
From Ratchett,
From the Twins
From Randall,
From Nero, .
142
( Quentin,
1 Hannibal,
A bone-handled, two-bladed
pocket-knife, a little rusted,
but with only one blade
missing.
Some string.
8 brace buttons (very bright).
Wooden top of peg-top.
Iron peg of same.
Ferrule of umbrella.
More string.
*THE INTERVAL'
From Biddulph,
From Knut, ....
From Chad, ....
From the other children
collectively,
From the Ancient Mariner,
From the Absent - Minded
Indian, ....
From the Triplets,
From the Respectable Gentle-
man, . . ' .
From the Boy Scout,
From the Sicilian Char- woman,
From the Long Man,
From Boadicea,
From the Doctor, .
From Ptolemy Jenkinson,
Dial of old watch (not cracked
very much).
Glass marble (beautifully
coloured).
2 pear drops (old, but in good
condition).
Twenty last year's horse
chestnuts on string (very
hard).
Piece of wood skilfully cut
into the form of a pebble.
Nothing.
3 bunches of violets.
His visiting-card.
One of the Killgruel town-
keys he had swallowed.
Small piece of soap.
Wren's egg.
A hat full of ripe blackberries.
Half of cough lozenge.
A last year's ticket for a box.
Every one clamoured for a speech, but the old
fellow was so affected by all this unexpected kindness,
that he would not trust himself to open his mouth, so
with tears of gratitude pouring from his eyes, he
retired to his chair. These interesting proceedings
thus coming to an end, he was wheeled into the forest
by Boadicea until they came to the open space where
the review was to take place.
143
'THE INTERVAL'
Having dried his eyes and smartened himself up,
with Boadicea standing sedately at his side holding
the presents, the King now solemnly awaited the
appearance of the troops. Soon there was a great
noise in the direction of the camp, and then they
could be heard approaching.
First came the nine brave sons of Crispin and
Chloe, proudly marching three by three, and as they
passed the King each gallantly saluted him. Now
followed the stately Char-woman with the flag held
aloft, and when she came opposite His Majesty she
jumped magnificently three times into the air. She was
followed by more of Bill's charges, and then, with
great dignity. Bill, the King's general, marched past
the Koyal Old Boy and saluted him grandly.
Another detachment of Bill's charges followed the
general, then the Ancient Mariner approached, and,
after placing the Absent-minded Indian on the ground,
he, with much dignity, saluted the King by touching
his forelock, sailor fashion, and after a few steps of
the hornpipe, once more resumed his burden and
moved on. The Ancient Mariner was followed by the
Long Man who winked knowingly at the King as he
passed by. Ptolemy Jenkinson came next, then the
Doctor, who, not knowing quite what was expected
of him, proceeded to feel the King's pulse, but was
quickly hustled off" by the Scout, who now approached.
The Kespectable Gentleman followed the Boy
Scout, and raised his hat in a very gentlemanly
144
^THE INTERVAL'
manner to the King as he passed him and politely
handed him one of his cards, upon which he had
scribbled a few good wishes to the old monarch.
Now, one by one, the Triplets passed in front of
the delighted King, before whom each of the sweet
creatures performed the most graceful curtsy, and
the procession then terminated with another detach-
ment of Bill's charges.
The King was more than satisfied, and they all
once more started on their adventurous journey.
K
THE REAL 50LDIER
THE REAL SOLDIER
yA FTER travelling some days, they came across
/% a real soldier seated at the side of the road,
X ^ and Bill at once persuaded the King to
invite so valuable a man to join their expedition. The
King therefore left his chariot and approached him,
and asked the noble-looking fellow if he would care to
make one of their party, and, if so, whether he had,
a good character from his last general, and the old
warrior replied : —
148
THE REAL SOLDIER
* Allow me, my good sirs, to recite to you one of
my most noteworthy achievements, one of which,
peradventure, you may not have read in the numerous
books filled with accounts of my exploits. I shall
thus remove any trace of doubt that may linger in
your minds as to my great courage and astute
generalship.
All expressing their eagerness to hear the story,
the wordful old warrior proceeded : —
'As near as I can remember, it was in the early
fifties when, a mere drummer-boy, with the bloom of
early boyhood still gi'acing my bi^ve young cheek,
I marched with the gallant 53rd or, as you may
possibly know them, the King's Own Royal Roebucks,
to the relief of the Isle of Wight. This island, at the
time I mention, was blockaded by that notorious
filibuster, Reginald Bendbrisket, a rogue who, pos-
sessed of the greatest audacity and cunning, had
earned for himself an unenviable reputation, from
Margate to Samoa, by the terrible extent of his
depredations.
' You will all doubtless remember how, disappointed
in his endeavours to usurp the throne of Pitcairn
Island, he had impudently resolved to make a sudden
i*aid upon the Isle of Wight ; and thus to feed his
own insatiable greed and, at the same time, appease
the disappointed rage of his desperate followers, he
would have plunged the peaceful little island into
abject misery. What tempted him thereto none
149
THE REAL SOLDIER
can guess with any certainty, unless indeed it were
the many false reports, spread abroad by the un-
scrupulous, of the gold, silver, and diamonds to be
found there ; of the extensive quarries, rich in the
finest hearthstone ; and of the natural paraffin springs,
that could provide the world with the purest oil ; and
many other reports, alike false and discreditable to
their inventor and to those who repeated them to the
credulous stranger.
* Had the rogue been successful in his latest raid,
his small band of followers (mayhap increased to a
powerful army by the hordes of discontented periwinkle-
gatherers, prawners, and lobster-potterers that earn
a scanty living on our shores) would, without doubt,
have had at their mercy the Isle of Sheppey and the
numerous other Islets that ornament our coasts. And
then, from these a sudden and successful descent on
Ludgate Hill would have rendered him master of the
whole of London. Now I am going to tell you how
the courage and forethought of a simple drummer-
boy frustrated all his schemes, and brought to his
knees one of the most unscrupulous enemies that
has ever invaded our shores.
' To come back to the beginning of my story, we
had a comfortable journey down, the tedium of which
had been greatly relieved by delightful conversa-
tion and intellectual chatting, each in his turn con-
siderably astounding the others by the amount of
intelligence he displayed. These pursuits were again
150
THE REAL SOLDIER
varied by interesting recitations, and such parlour-
games as could be conveniently played in a railway
carriage. We arrived in the afternoon at a snug little
hamlet on the coast opposite the island, whence we
embarked in a fleet of disused barges and dredgers.
We reached our destination, after a fairly calm
voyage, without having excited the curiosity of the
invaders, only one of whose vessels we passed, and
all on board it were so engrossed with the captain,
who was violently sea-sick, that we passed un-
observed.
* We were 2,352 strong, including the gallant 53rd,
of which I was a member, a battery of artillery, a
camel corps, two squadrons of the smartest cavalry
that ever chased a rabbit across the Hackney Marshes,
and a battalion of infantry, so well trained that there
was not one of the rank and file who could not play
quite delightfully on the piano ; while the officers were
unexcelled at conjuring tricks, with which they used
to amuse the soldiers seated round the camp-fires of
an evening. We were ably generalled by that best
of all officers. Sir Francis Melville Glowmutton,
whose fame in after years very nearly earned for
him the honour of being mentioned in a popular
Encyclopaedia.
* We were met on the beach by a procession of the
inhabitants, headed by the president of the island, all
of whom were delighted to see us, and extended to us
the most hospitable of welcomes. Without waiting
151
THE REAL SOLDIER
for formal introductions^ they fraternised in the most
friendly spirit with the troops who, in turn, were
charmed with their reception and, being quite beyond
themselves with gratification, adorned their conversa-
tion with the most graceful compliments to the inhabit-
ants and grateful tributes to their kindness.
' The blockade had lasted barely eight weeks, so that,
as yet, the inhabitants of the island were not aware of
it, and when they learnt from the soldiers the real
state of affairs, they rejoiced beyond measure, and
redoubled their congratulations to the army and to
each other, and the president seized the very first
opportunity publicly to thank the general for his
thoughtfulness in coming to relieve them.
* For quite a long time the handshaking went on,
and every one was so amiably excited that the presi-
dent, anxious that so much good feeling should not be
thrown away, invited every one to spend the evening
with him at his presidency on the Needles.
' And such a bright and happy evening it was too !
Every one in the best of spirits, and entering blithely
into all the games! "Oranges and Lemons," "Nuts
and May," and ''Poor Jenny is a-weeping," had
never, within the memory of any one present, been
played with greater zest, and, what was more
wonderful, never had the rather trying game of
" Hunt the Slipper " provoked less ill-temper since
it was first introduced into this country at the Nor-
man Conquest.
152
THE REAL SOLDIER
THE REAL SOLDIER
' The joy of the froHcsome ones was only equalled
by that of the older inhabitants and the elderly officers,
who, seated on chairs placed for them round the
walls of the hall, fairly shook with laughter and merri-
ment, until the tears rolled down their handsome
old cheeks.
' At last, with flushed and happy faces, all sat down
to a splendid cold supper provided by the President,
but it was some little time before the feast could
proceed, as every one was so well-behaved that there
was quite a turmoil of passing things to one another.
At last, however, every one was served, and the supper
proceeded with the greatest mirth on all sides.
'After a while the president stood up to make a
speech, and had only got as far as, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, it is not that we " when, to every-
body's consternation, there was a loud knock at the
door and, without waiting to be asked, in stalked the
notorious Reginald himself
* Having approached the table, he slowly withdrew
his gaze from the refreshments (to which it had
wandered on his entry), and, drawing himself to his
greatest height, demanded of the president the instant
surrender of the island to him as his rightful property,
averring that it had been left to him by an aunt, whose
favourite he had been. Then, putting his hand to his
bosom, he drew thence an old roll of parchment which,
indeed, proved to be the Will of one Martha Grub.
This he handed to the president, who read aloud
154
THE REAL SOLDIER
therefrom the following clause, which had been under-
lined : —
' And I do bequeath unto my good sister's son, the
shapely Reginald Bendbrisket, inasmuch as he has
shown some kindness unto my black cat, now dead
alas ! twenty jars of the good plum preserve I did
make last fall as well as five yards of the good garden
hose wherewith I did heretowhile water my cabbages
in the droughty seasons, the rest to be cut up and
divided equally amongst my other nephews and nieces
to be used by them as they may see fit whatsoever.
' At their demise the said pieces shall be delivered
up to the said Reginald, who will once more unite the
fragments and pass the completed hose on to his
heirs for ever.
* For his goodness in undertaking thus to carry out
my wishes I do also bequeath unto the before-
mentioned Reginald the Island of Wight situate at
the south coast of England.
*0n reading this the president turned very pale
and every one trembled, never having dreamt of the
strength of the invader's position. But being a bit
of a lawyer, the president very soon rallied and replied
to the filibuster, in as courtly a manner as he could
assume, that he was bound to admit that his aunt
Martha had, without doubt, left the island to him, and
that he would be the last man to dispute the fact — here
the rogue, vainly imagining that he was about to realise
his greatest hopes, could not conceal his satisfaction,
155
THE REAL SOLDIER
'BUT hold!' CRIED THE RESIDENT
and helped himself to a sandwich — '' But hold ! " cried
the president in a terrible voice, " I do dispute that it
was hers to leave."
* At this the irascible Reginald completely lost his
temper and hurled the sandwich with such fury to the
ground that it broke one of the gorgeous tiles that
ornamented the floor. " Have you," said he, " the
audacity to doubt the word of my aunt Martha ? Have
you the face to stand there and dispute the will of
that excellent woman, written when dying of a broken
heart at the death of her black cat, and whose only
solace w as the company of her dutiful nephew ? Then
156
Reginald completely lost his temper
THE REAL SOLDIER
'your fate be upon your own head'
your fate be upon your own head." And he strode
out of the hall gnashing and grinding his teeth in the
most terrible manner, only stopping to pick up the
sandwich which he had thrown down in his outburst
of passion.
* When the door had slammed to with terrific force
behind him there was a great silence in the hall, and
we all looked at one another with scared faces. Soon
every one arose from the table, and silently left the
banqueting-hall to prepare for the light which we now
knew would come on the morrow.
' Try as I would, I could not sleep for thinking of
157
THE REAL SOLDIER
the battle in store for us. I counted more sheep than
would have fed our army for six months, but with no
result. I then tried elephants, and after that camels
and zebras, and finally, hoping that their odd shapes
might bring me repose, I tried ant bears, but all in vain.
At last, in despair, I rose from my hard couch, donned
my uniform, and snatching up a cracknel, strode out
of my tent.
'Murmuring "Brittle Pantechnicons" (which, by
the way, was our password) to the sentry, I strolled
idly down to the sea. It was a beautiful and perfectly
still night, with not a ripple to disturb the surface of
the sea, upon which, here and there, would glow a
little shimmer of light as the phosphorescent turbot
rose to its prey. In the distance, and away to the
right, could be geen the camp-fires of the enemy, and
the reflections in the pools left by the tide. Ever and
anon sounds of merriment could be heard as the
invaders, heedless of the morrow, spent the night in
revelry. To the left, and further back, could be seen
the tents of our forces, not a sound arising therefrom
except the low monotonous breathing of the soldiers
(who were so well drilled that even in their sleep they
breathed in time), or maybe the "Who goes there?"
of the sentry would sound in the darkness, as he
mistook a moth for a spy, or the drone of the beach
bee for the war-whoop of the enemy.
' At the water's edge, dark against the starry sky,
I found a solitary bathing-machine, beneath which
158
THE REAL SOLDIER
FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA
I crept, and here at length my weariness quite over-
came me and I slept. How long I remained thus I
cannot tell, but I was awakened by heavy footsteps
on the floor of the machine over my head. My
curiosity was intense, but resisting the temptation to
rush out and satisfy it, I wisely resolved to remain in
my present position as long as possible.
* Presently the mysterious tenant of the machine
opened its seaward door and stood revealed in the
light of the moon, which had arisen during my sleep,
as the terrible Reginald Bendbrisket himself, clothed
in a deep black bathing-suit. I crouched down, not
daring to move a muscle, and was presently relieved
to see him, after standing for some time on the steps
of the machine, amble carefully over the stones to
the edge of the sea, into which he plunged.
' Now it was that an idea suddenly occurred to me,
and I instantly crept from my place of concealment,
and stealing up to the landward door of the machine
nailed it fast with the hammer and nails I always
carried with me to mend my drum, which was not
infrequently broken beneath my enthusiastic blows.
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THE REAL SOLDIER
Having secured the front door, I now crept in at the
back and, doffing my own clothes, soon donned those
of the unconscious fihbuster, who was still floundering
about in the sea. Having effected this change, I crept
back to my former position under the machine, and
had barely made myself comfortable there when I saw
the rogue returning.
'After scrambling painfully over the stony beach
he mounted the steps and entered the machine, and
the slam of the door as it closed upon him was the
signal for me to rush out and secure this as I had
already secured the front door. Having done this,
I waited no longer, but made off with all possible
speed in the direction of the enemy's camp, which I
had nearly reached, when I heard a most terrible
banging from the interior of the now distant bathing-
machine. Losing no time, I entered the camp, and,
being easily mistaken for their captain, passed on
unchallenged.
* Arriving in time at the centre of the camp, I
found all the men gathered together, having forsaken
their revels, evidently in expectation of the return of
their leader.
* Standing before the villainous crew, I assumed, as
nearly as I could, the mien and rough harsh voice of
their filibustering captain, and ordered them to embark
at once and to leave the island, as it had been re-
inforced during the night by such a mass of thundering
artillery as would be impossible to withstand, and
160
THE REAL SOLDIEU
IN EXPECTATION OP THEIR LEADER
that they were even now fast approaching along the
beach from the other end of the island where they
had landed. The men, on hearing this appeared
quite incredulous and their growls of disbelief grew
louder and louder and threatened a terrible mutiny.
Having at length gained a hearing, I invited them all
to that part of the camp by which I had entered, to
hear for themselves the approach of the distant hosts.
Leading them all, still grumbling and growling, a little
way beyond the camp, I commanded them all to be
absolutely quiet, and then, in the silence which
ensued, could be heard far away in the direction of
L 161
THE REAL SOLDIER
the bathing-machine a most terrific and continuous
banging, together with the sound of muffled shouting.
' The men were aghast, and in the moonhght their
swarthy faces could be seen to change to a ghastly
white. Then, with an unearthly yell, they all turned
and fled in a wild panic to the boats. They tumbled
over and over each other in their anxiety to get away,
and many got wet to the skin in their endeavour to
reach the boats. At last, to my great joy, I saw the
last of them pull off* and reach the ships, which now
put on all sail and vanished away for ever.
* I now returned to the bathing-machine, from
which still came a terrible din, though not quite so
violent as it had been at first.
* Taking hold of the rope that was fastened to it, I
began to drag the machine in the direction of our
camp, the banging meanwhile gradually subsiding,
until at last only an occasional bang proclaimed the
machine to be inhabited. As before, I passed the
sentry by murmuring " Brittle Pantechnicons " and
drew the machine up in front of the General's
tent.
*The General, having finished an early breakfast,
was just setting out to take a stroll before settling
down to plan out the battle, and seeing me, whom he
at first took to be Reginald Bendbrisket, the good
man received quite a severe shock. However, I soon
undeceived him, and after relating my adventures I
unfastened the door of the bathing-machine, and
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THE REAL SOLDIER
disclosed therein the form of the filibuster on bended
knees, imploring our mercy.
'Every one was delighted at such a speedy end
to the campaign, for my part in which I was duly
honoured. Reginald Bendbrisket, after a mild punish-
ment, reformed and became a very respectable gentle-
man, the president kindly using his influence to
secure for him a lucrative position in a well-known
Insurance Office.
*And thus, my good Sirs, it is, that the Isle of
Wight still remains one of our many valued posses-
sions.'
* The very man for me,' thought the King of Troy,
when he had finished his story, and before proceeding
with their journey, he promoted the martial creature
to the high position of second General-in-chief of the
army.
THE WILD MAN
THE WILD MAN
ONE day the army were overtaken by a singu-
larly wild-looking man who proved, however,
to be at the same time quite an amiable
creature, and expressed a great desire to seek some
employment with the gallant fellows. The King was
pleased to enlist the nice and sociable person, and
was more than repaid for his confidence in him by
his charming ways. On one occasion, when the King
was rather tired and worried, the Wild Man, in
order to distract the dear old fellow, told the follow-
ing story : —
166
THE WILD MAN
* Good Sirs, though wild enough indeed, yet may I
claim to be an unspoilt child of nature, whose finest
instincts have, unchecked, found their true develop-
ment. Thus, communing with nature from my cradle
and living on terms of the closest intimacy with her
wildest creatures, I can appreciate their humble wants,
their hopes and fears, and have acquired the truly
marvellous power of conversing with these simple-
minded denizens of the wilderness.
' My home was a rocky cave hard by the sea-shore,
in which I lived in simple happiness with my good
wife, now dead, alas ! this many a long year ago, and
our five brown children, who long since have grown
to men and gone out into the world to seek their
fortunes. Harmless indeed were our joys, and our
trials we bore with that great fortitude which was not
the least of the blessings we derived from our simple
mode of life.
* To proceed with my tale, on one dismal evening
late in autumn, I left my cave, with the hungry cries
of my children still in my ears, — for, indeed, the poor
things had had no sup or bite the whole day through.
Wondering what I could do that they might not go
supperless to bed, I strolled along the sands by the
sea in the hope of finding some odd limpet or whelk
which, together with a few dried dandelion leaves,
might make a simple stew. Alas ! no vestige of a
single crustacean could I find, so I sat me down upon
the sands, determined not to return until the children
167
THE WILD MAN
had fallen asleep on the dry ferns and grass heaped
up for them at the back of the cave, as their cries
were more torment to me than my own emptiness.
*The sun had long ago set, and the autumnal
twilight, reflected in the pools of still water left by
the far receded tide, was gradually fading from the
sky, when I fancied I could hear a low heart-rending
moan from off" the desolate waste of sand before me.
Again and again it sounded, and at last realising that
it might be uttered by some creature in distress, I
stood up and, as far as the fading light would permit,
scanned the sands in every direction.
' Nothing, however, could I see, and as the moan
still continued at intervals and became, in fact, more
and more painful and beseeching, I wandered about,
a prey to the liveliest anxiety, endeavouring , to dis-
cover whence it proceeded.
'At length I perceived on the sand, at a little
distance before me, a small dark motionless object,
and at that instant a harrowing sound, arising there-
from on the evening air, left me in no doubt as to the
origin of the moans I had already heard. Creeping
as quietly as possible on my hands and knees quite
close to it, I found it to be a lovely blue point oyster,
and bringing my head to a level with the shell, I asked
coaxingly, and in as soft a voice as I could command,
what ailed it.
' " Alas ! " said the oyster, " a httle while ago I
possessed a child as sweet as ever chortled to its
168
Harmless indeed were our joys
."^T- — .
THE WILD MAN
^
^
W\
u \yz^
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\\il fl^^
V^i \ '/ L, fp 1
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I
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I PLEADED MY CASE
gasping mother, but snatched from me as it has been
by the cruellest of whelks, it may even now lie helpless
in the grasp of the ravenous brute, as it ruthlessly
sups off its delicate limbs. No such grief have I had
since that old native, my worthy husband, was slain,
and was laid in state, his hoary head supported by
a slice of lemon, beside a piece of brown bread-and-
butter."
* Deeply affected by her grief, I begged her to
reveal the name of the little one and to indicate the
direction taken by the marauding whelk. " Bertram
is its name," said the widowed blue point, and I could
169
THE WILD MAN
hear the tears faUing within the shell as, with her
beard, she pointed out the path followed by the
rogue.
* I had not proceeded far in the direction indicated
when I overtook a whelk, whose face was quite dis-
torted by a savage look, and whose growls drowned
the feeble cries of a tender blue pointlet whom he
dmgged along by the beard.
* " Now what is all this about ? " said I to the
sullen fellow. "Why should you, who are maybe
blessed with young of your own, rob a poor widowed
oyster of her only consolation since the death of her
husband ? A heart of rock would have melted at the
cries of your victim, but you, ungenerous, can have
no heart at all, and entirely di^g the name of whelk
through the mud." I could distinctly hear the ruffian
lashing his tail within his shell as he replied : " It 's
all very well for you, old boy, but all that kind of
nonsense you're talking don't come in here. If it
were a question of saving your own life I '11 bet you
wouldn't give much ear to the whimperings of a
sentimental blue point. Know then, old stick, that
it isn't for the love of children that I am dragging
this little brat along, but he's just going to be the
supper of an old ci'ab, who caught me this afternoon
and only let me go on the condition that I found
him something a little more toothsome and tender
than I am."
' The cries of the infant were cruel to hear when it
170
THE WILD MAN
learnt the fate in store for it, and filled my heart with
pity for the frail youngster. " Now come," said I to
the whelk, "just wait a little while and consider,
would it not always be a sad thing for you to reflect
upon that you had been the cause of this frail young
thing's death ? " " Gammon ! " answered the leather-
hearted whelk, and proceeded on its journey. " Stay
yet awhile," cried I, " and I will run and talk it over
with the ci*ab and see if his hard shell may hide a
kinder heart than yours." "Well, look alive, old
sentiments," replied the whelk; "it's a bit chilly
waiting about out of the water when the tide's low.
You '11 see the old rascal over there by the sea."
' I hastened with what speed I might in the direc-
tion pointed out by the whelk, and presently came
upon the old crab. Before I had time to greet him
he accosted me with "Well, old kneebones, what's the
trouble ? " " No trouble of mine I do assure you," I
replied as I seated myself by his side, taking care at
the same time to keep well out of reach of his two
pincer claws, that wobbled about wickedly in my
direction ; thus in some trepidation I continued the
conversation. "The trouble is that of an innocent
blue pointlet, now alas ! in the toils of a perfect bully
of a whelk, a worthless rough who is thus victimising
the innocent to save himself from ending his paltry
existence in your inside. Now my good fellow, I am
perfectly certain that you are not going to allow this,
indeed you are not the sort to sacrifice another's life
171
THE WILD MAN
to satisfy your own greed. Let me press you, just for
once, to go supperless to bed, and thus assuage the
anguish of a most affectionate mother."
* Much to my mortification and surprise, my con-
cihatory speech was met by roars of laughter from
the flippant old crab. Peal upon peal disturbed the
still evening air, and when the last clash of the hideous
uproar had died away among the distant hills, the un-
feeling brute, now in a state of collapse from loss of
breath, gasped out: — "What, me give up the only
chance of saving myself from that scoundrel of a
lobster who only let me go on my promising to secure
him something for supper a little less hard than my-
self! Well," continued the crab, "that's a good 'un,
that is. My good chap you must be quite out of your
senses. Why, not only will I hand over the baby
oyster to the lobster, but I intend also to have my
supper off" that tough old idiot of a whelk, who
reckons he's going to get off scot-free, and old
mother blue point, too, if I can find her," and then,
as an afterthought, "and you, old marrow-bones,
wouldn't make half a bad tit-bit if I could get hold
of you," and he made a horrid dash at me as he
spoke. However, I easily evaded him, and from a
safer distance argued the matter out with him in
the following way : —
* " Allow me, my dear crustacean, to put the matter
to you in this light. Now, first of all, clear your mind
of all unnecessary bias. Suppose," said I, " that you
172
THE WILD MAN
fffWppi;^^
AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT
were to change places with the young oyster, suppose,
we'll say, that you had the near prospect of being
devoured by the greedy lobster. How would you feel,
I say, if your neighbour not only refused to exert him-
self in any way to extricate you from your predicament,
but also gloried in being the main cause of the disaster
that threatened you ? "
* The wily scoundrel merely replied, " Ask me
another," and with his left eye-stalk bent towards
the ground, insolently winked at me with the other.
Despairing of penetrating his tough shell with kindly
suggestions, I temporised with him, and succeeded in
persuading him to desist from his evil intentions
until I had talked it over with the lobster. Out of
sheer perversity the crab directed me wrongly, but
in good time, after some wandering here and there,
I discovered the lobster.
' I pleaded my case to him as eloquently as I had
already done to the others, — nay, even more elo-
quently, being, no doubt, a little more used to it by
173
THE WILD MAN
now, but yet with no apparent good result. The
wary creature pretended ignorance. " To which crab
do you refer ? " said he, in a questioning tone ; " I have
so much business with crustaceans in one way and
another that you would be surprised to learn how
confused I become in my dealings with them." To
the best of my ability I described the appearance
of the old crab, and aided my description with a
slight sketch on the sand made with the point of my
umbrella. He gazed at this with much interest and
murmured to himself " considerable artistic talent,"
and then aloud, "Oh yes, yes, I remember him
quite well ; indeed, he was here only recently about
a little matter of supper. Well, well, I'm afraid I
cannot be of any help to you here. You see, it's
like this. Earlier in the day, I came to a little
arrangement (quite a little business affair, by the
way) with an old lady conger eel I have known for
many years, and it happened in this way. We were
having a little dispute as to who should sup off the
other, and without going into details, the upshot of
it all was that the eel managed to tie herself in a
knot round my throat, and so, you see, was mistress
of the situation. I need not tell you that I did not
lose my presence of mind — indeed, I never do — and
I politely asked her if she had ever tasted crab, and
effectually persuaded her that they were much better
eating than lobster, and undertook to procure her a
beauty (thinking all the time, of course, of our mutual
174
THE WILD MAN
friend), on the understanding that I should go quite
free. It's very sad and all that sort of thing, no
doubt, about the little oyster — sweet little chuck —
indeed, I am more sorry than I appear to be about
it, but really what can one do ? " And the lobster
shrugged his bristling shoulders. " Speaking to you,"
he continued, "as one man of the world to another,
business is business after all, you know. And if we
don't fulfil our obligations, where do we stand ? Of
course, I don't say but what a little chat with the
conger might make it all right, and there 's no harm
in trying — she's a nice eel. I feel sure you would
like her, at least I felt I should, when I invited her
to be my supper — and if nothing comes of the meet-
ing, well, we shall none of us be any worse off* than we
are at the present moment. If at any other time I can
be of use to you, I do hope that you will not hesitate
to come round and ask. Good day."
' I now left him to search for the conger, whom I
found dozing in a pool near the sea. I took her out
and placed her gently on the sand, and she gradually
opened her eyes and fastened them on me. I once
more expounded the reasons why, in my opinion, this
cruel arrangement should not be persisted in. I quite
astonished myself by my own eloquence, which grew
more impassioned as I proceeded, and noticed that
the old conger seemed deeply impressed. As I came
to the most affecting parts of my argument the
expression in her eyes grew really tender, and at the
175
THE WILD MAN
mention of the little blue point a tear gathered in
each eye and slowly coursed down her shiny form.
At the conclusion of my appeal the conger drew in
a deep breath and replied : — " Well, I never ! Now
that is what I really do call good and kind. Oh pray
come and sit down beside me on the sand and tell me
all about it — now do, and tell me what first put it
into your head — it is so very nice to come across a
little real sentiment in these matter-of-fact times."
Without waiting for me to proceed she rattled on : —
"Upon my word, you really must have the kindest
heart in the world — but are you quite sure you are
comfy ? Why not come round the other side ; you \l
be out of the wind there, and we can talk it over
without anything to interfere with us. I quite agree
with you in everything you have said, and I must
say that I know of nothing more delightful than
to find one's own thoughts expressed so much more
clearly than one could do it oneself. Do you know,
I am quite delighted to have met you, and hope that
this is the commencement of one of those lasting
friendships. ..."
* Thus she gabbled on, and thinking to myself, here,
at last, is a kind-hearted soul, I asked her to promise
to take the baby oyster back to its sorrowing mother,
when she received it from the lobster. "What an
extremely kind thought," she replied ; " I assure you
there is nothing in the whole world I would love to
do so much as to take the little thing back to its Ma."
176
THE WILD MAN
WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK
Glancing dreamily at the sky the old eel continued : —
" Dear little mite ! I can see it even now, in my mind's
eye, as it skips to its mother; she, dear soul, the
while shedding pearls of delight, — a memory to carry
to your grave. But I expect you must be going now —
no doubt you are as busy as the rest of us — are they
all well at home ?— good-bye," and she prepared to
return to the sea. " But, my dear woman," I protested,
"I have not yet received your promise to see the
little oyster home." " Now," said the eel, " pray don't
spoil the pleasant evening we have had — but never
mind — don't look so serious — come round some evening
M 177
THE WILD MAN
with the wife and children — don't say you won't."
" But, Madam," I answered, " I am waiting for your
promise to see the little one home." " My dear Sir,"
she replied at last, growing rather red in the face, '' I
can give you nothing of the kind, and must really refer
you to the whale who captured me a little while ago,
and only released me because I promised to procure
him a lobster, which I persuaded him would be much
more digestible and less bilious than I should prove
to be as a meal."
' I now went in search of the whale, whom I dis-
covered disporting himself in the sea a very little way
from the shore. Taking my shoes and stockings off,
I waded as near to him as I dared, and to conciliate
him right off I wore as benignant an expression as I
could assume and thus addressed him : " Of one
thing I am convinced," said I, " and it is that you are
the last person in all the world who would willingly
give pain to anything, — least of all to a baby oyster."
*' Quite so, quite so," snorted the whale, "and what is
more I never have and, upon my soul, I never wilV
" Bravo, good resolution," cried I, and then in moving
terms I explained the situation and urged him to take
the blue pointlet back to its mother on receiving it
from the conger eel. "What is this you say," roared
the whale ; " do you mean to tell me that in exchange
for her own fat self that villainous conger-eel now
offers me a baby oyster instead of the promised lobster ?
Is it for this gross insult that I allowed her to resume
178
THE WILD MAN
her wretched existence ? Well, I 'm thundered ! " and
the enraged monster leapt seventy feet into the air.
" Where is she ? " roared he, and made off in the
direction of the conger.
* But the old girl was one too many for the whale
this time, and having heard his remarks on her
conduct, off she darted after the lobster, saying to
herself that as the whole arrangement had fallen
through, she might just as well sup off" the lobster, —
besides, the claws would stew up quite well for the
children's dinner to-morrow. The lobster in his turn,
seeing the conger approach, at once understood that
the affair was all off and left his little cave by the
back door as conger entered by the front, and made
for the place where he knew he would find the crab,
arguing to himself thus : — " At any rate, the crab will
make an excellent supper to which I have every right ;
for after all, as I have before remarked, business is
business, and he will certainly be unable to fulfil his
obligations." The saucy crab, however, saw him coming
along with his mouth wide open ready to gobble him
up, and shouted tauntingly to him :—" Keep your
bristles on, old prawn" and ran off after the whelk.
" Nothing really matters," thought he, " and as I feel
a bit peckish I may as well eat up friend whelk and
the blue pointlet'll come in for a light breakfast in
the morning." The cowardly whelk, reading the crab's
evil intention in his eyes offered him the baby oyster.
" Thanks, old flint," said the crab, " I'll have you first
179
THE WILD MAN
and the youngster another time," and he pounced on
the whelk and ate him right up. But as he was
crawhng off in great comfort the old lobster overtook
him and in no time polished him off. The lobster,
now too contented to move quickly, was slowly re-
turning to the water when up came the conger-eel
who, without any delay, proceeded to strangle him
and then to gobble him up. After her feast, the old
girl, in her turn, felt drowsy. "I think," said she,
" I now deserve a nap," and she lay down in a pool
and went fast asleep. Presently the whale came
along, having been hunting for the conger all over the
place. As soon as he caught sight of her he roared
in his wrath, "Is this what you call keeping your
bargain ? " and with one gulp he bolted her, — head,
fins, tail and all.
*Then, having accomplished his revenge, and at
the same time satisfied his appetite, his contentment
was complete and he rolled over on his side in the
shallow water, and fell into a deep sleep.
* Now, thought I, is this not providential ? Is there
not here not merely the evening meal I left my cave
to seek, but many meals for my good wife and children,
— enough in fact to ward off hunger throughout the
winter that is now fast approaching. Taking up a
great rock I hurled it with all my force at the head of
the whale and killed it on the spot. I now proceeded
to cut up the great creature and carry it, piece by
piece, to my cave, and that very night, when it was all
180
THE WILD MAN
safely stowed, we cooked one great steak for supper,
waking the children in order that they might share the
meal, and the remainder my good wife preserved in
brine. Thus in comfort we lived the winter through.
* The little oyster found its way back to its mother,
and so grateful were they both for my endeavours to
help them, that they took up their abode with us.
Bertram grew to a fine chubby blue point. " Just like
his father," said the proud mother, and nothing reached
our hearts so nearly as his playful, charming ways.'
THE MUSICIAN
THE MUSICIAN
SOMETIMES now the old King showed signs of
weariness, and Bill bethought him that a
little music occasionally might soothe his
nerves. So in the very next town they came to he
engaged the only musician in the place, and very
willing he was too to come along.
He played very wonderful music on his old con-
certina, often assisted with his voice, and one evening,
after a very beautiful performance, the talented
creature related the following story to his enchanted
hearers : —
* Right glad have I been, good fellows all, to join you
in this your noble enterprise to right our stout old
brother of Troy here, and in good time I trust that
184
THE MUSICIAN
my great deeds shall prove my sincerity. But, in the
meantime, as supper hour draws on apace, and the
frizzling cutlets do scent the evening air, a little story
should not be amiss to distract your anxious minds,
and thus to check the impatience of your appetite.
*Know then, my jovial birds, my cunning blades,
that I am the eldest son of that Prince of Polynesia
who united the scattered kingdoms of this unwieldy
archipelago into one vast empire, over which he ruled
with even-handed justice and some common-sense
until his death. Ah ! lads, if all had their rights I
should at the present moment be seated on the soft
cushions of my father's throne, and maybe more able
to be of help to you than I am now; but you must
take the will for the deed.
* My word ! what a plump and healthy child was I,
and withal as jolly and as hearty as the day was long.
Moreover, was not I the pride of the empire and the
envy of all the other kings and princes who had ever
seen or heard of me ? Alas ! who could have foretold
that I was thus early in life destined to have a real
good taste of the troubles of this weary world, and,
though surrounded by every care and attention and
the object of the greatest affection that ever bubbled
in the human heart, shortly to become the victim of
the meanest spite.
*But to proceed with the yarn — neither care nor
expense was spared in my upbringing, to which
possibly more thought was devoted than even to
185
THE MUSICIAN
the education of our very well-educated and trust-
worthy friend, the buxom Sicilian char-woman. At
all events, the most certificated nurses procurable
were continually being engaged, but apparently only
to be dismissed again, for, almost perfect as most of
them were, I can assure you that, in the course of a
very little time they were certain, of course, to reveal
(as was only natural) some slight weakness, and I ask
you, good comrades all, which of us is without 'em ?
This overcarefulness on the part of my good parents
was to be the cause of the disaster that was soon
entirely to change the trend of my life.
* It came about in this way. One of the discharged
nurses, indignant at what, with some show of reason,
she considered an injustice to herself (she had been
dismissed for curling my hair only a little to the right
instead of quite to the right), resolved to revenge her-
self on her late master and mistress, in such a manner
as should be most likely to leave them wretched for
the remainder of their lives. Knowing the over-
extravagance of their affection for me, she cruelly
determined to strike them in this, their weakest spot.
One dark night, after cleverly evading the ever- wakeful
guards, she crept into my father's palace. Stealing up
the main staircase without attracting observation, she
arrived at the now empty throne-room, which she
stealthily traversed, keeping all the while close to the
wall. She then passed through the little door at the
left of the grand throne and found herself in the
186
THE MUSICIAN
billiard-room. She had not, however, taken two
steps therein when a fearful panic seized her, for
what should she behold but the stout form of my
rare old dad the emperor leaning over the table,
apparently in the act of making a brilliant stroke.
A few seconds' consideration, however, served to
convince the vengeful creature that he was fast
asleep. Gnashing her teeth at the old gentleman,
she hurried across the room and entered the library,
in which my good mother was seated, reading. But
so absorbed was the good lady in her book that she
took no notice whatever of the agile intruder, as she
entered by one door and swiftly left by the other.
She now successively passed through the state ball-
room, the music-room, the third best drawing-room,
the second best ball-room, and the state bed-room,
and mounting the back stairs, came to the suite of
rooms occupied by the nurses, and eventually reached
the nurses' dining-hall, into which my nursery led,
Avithout having excited any one's observation.
'Opening my door very quietly, she peeped in.
All was dark inside except for the glimmer of a night-
light which shone on the frilling of my cradle and on
the form of the nurse then in office, who had fallen
asleep over her supper of stewed apples. Creeping
in quietly, the evil-minded woman lifted my sleeping
form from the cradle, so gently that she did not
awaken me, and, holding me closely to her, once
more successfully passed through all the apartments
187
THE MUSICIAN
she had already traversed, without arousing any
suspicion, and at length found herself again in the
open air.
'Without losing a moment, she now made off to
the woods, and after wandering in these for some
time, she met an old witch with whom, no doubt,
she had an appointment. Seated on the grass, the
two women haggled and haggled, and at last the
treacherous nurse sold me to the witch for three
cocoanuts, and then went on her way and out of
my life for ever.
' Now it happened that the old witch lived in the
hollow trunk of a tree with her foster son, a tiny
gnome named Orpheus, as quaint a little object as
ever I set eyes on, who played incessantly and most
beautifully on an old concertina, the very one, in fact,
which I now carry with me. The little fellow had been
found some years before by the old witch wandering
near the ruins of an old temple in the very middle of
the wood. To whom he belonged, and whence he had
come, no one knew, — not even he himself, perhaps.
However, the old girl adopted him, and now nothing
could exceed the motherly affection with which she
regarded this dry and shrivelled-up little chap, —
unless, indeed, it was the ardour with which the
grateful gnome returned it. In fact, I learned some
time afterwards that the old witch had purchased me
solely that I might be a companion for this rum little
person.
188
THE MUSICIAN
>s.'
"-> YM;i\ ,k,:,
«
SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS
' The old girl, weird as was her general appearance,
did all she could to make me comfortable, — in fact far
more than an ordinary witch would have dreamt of
doing, — and in recognition of her well-intentioned
attitude towards myself, I encouraged the spark of
friendliness I began to feel for her. But for her dar-
ling son, as soon as I grew accustomed to his quaint
appearance, and realised his kindness of heart and
friendly disposition towards myself, I conceived a great
affection. He would climb to the topmost branches
of our tree, to practise his exercises every morning, in
order that I should not be worried with melancholy
189
THE MUSICIAN
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HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES
repetitions, and, when perfected in some melody, who
shall describe the unaffected joy with which he would
come down and play it for my delight ? How often in
the moonlight (I lying on the grass at his side) would
he play over and over again to me some melancholy
air, while our foster-mother, mayhap, would be sweep-
ing the dead leaves from our abode, and preparing it
for our night's repose.
*Not I alone was gratified and enchanted by his
dulcet tones, for all the creatures of the woodland
drew near and listened as night gradually covered the
sky, and he played through his evening pieces.
* Elephants hovered around in the shadows of the
trees, and sighed great slobbering sighs. Bullfinches,
sparrows, eagles, flamingoes, wild geese, peacocks,
turkeys, cranes, pelicans, and every manner of bird,
thronged the branches of the trees, and, with their
heads and beaks sunk almost into their feathers,
190
And played it for my delight
THE MUSICIAN
opened and closed their eyes in their rapturous sur-
prise. The lions and tigers sprawled about, wishing,
in pure shame at their habitual monstrous cruelties,
that they had been vegetarians from the very begin-
ning : such power had the music of Orpheus. Even
the mad-headed monkeys and apes, sitting in rows
amongst the trees, thought, Good heavens ! what fools
they were ! and, blushing at their childish tricks,
wondered if it yet Avere possible to reform and take
a serious view of life. The old snake, quite overcome
and enthralled by the delicious strains, opened wide
his jaws, and allowed the little missel-thrush to nestle
therein, and, thus protected from the night-air, to
listen to the music in comfort. However, no lasting
reformation was ever effected in their untamed natures,
for no sooner had the music ceased than each scurried
away, once again to resume his depredations and
savage ways.
' It happened one evening that the gnome sur-
passed himself by his rendering of some enchanting
melodies, and every one was quite enthralled and
rendered almost helpless. The birds sank their heads
and beaks lower and lower into their feathers, as the
music proceeded, until they were no longer visible.
The lions and tigers rolled on their backs in the grass,
in an agony of despair at their own unreformable lives :
the elephants turned quite white, and trembled so
violently that they could hardly support their own
huge bulks and leant against one another to prevent
191
THE MUSICIAN
themselves coming down with a crash; such a great
lump had risen in the throat of the giraffe as quite dis-
torted his otherwise graceful neck ; while the monkeys
gibbered and blubbered tearfully to themselves, and
the old rascal of a snake slipped right off into a trance.
' At last the music ceased, and the little musician
left me while he went in to hang up his musical instru-
ment in safety. Meanwhile, in spite of the state to
which they had been elevated, the absurd creatures
had all scurried off, as usual, with no other thought in
their savage minds than to get each his own supper at
any cost. The old snake, however, did not recover as
quickly as the others, and when at length he awakened
from his trance, he could see that all the others had
vanished, and that I was lying on the grass, quite
unprotected, the gnome not having, as yet, returned
to my side. " Ha, ha ! " said he to himself, his savage
nature having returned in all its force, " what a slice of
luck ! By gum ! I never see such a beauty. Won't the
youngsters be just delighted ! " He rapidly slithered
in my direction and, quickly tying the end of his long
form securely round me, slithered away again, carrying
me through the long grass at a bewildering speed.
'After travelling in this rough fashion for some
time, we at length came to a clearing in the heart of
the wood, in which stood all that remained of the
ancient temple, and amongst its fallen columns and
walls, overgrown as they were with wild flowers and
tall grasses, the old snake had made his home, where
192
THE MUSICIAN
he lived in comfort with his wife and a large brood of
pranksome snakelets.
*We were greeted by the youngsters with every
mark of joy and surprise. " How good of you, Henry,"
cried the mother, " and what a really fine specimen !
Shall we have him to-night, or keep him for next
Tuesday, my birthday you know, dear ? " After a little
talk it was decided that I should be held over until
the next Tuesday, and in the meantime I was placed
in the larder, and given plenty of odd scraps to eat,
no doubt to keep me plump and in good condition.
* Tuesday came round in due course and, in order
to celebrate the day in a manner suitable to the great-
ness of the occasion, the old snake invited all his
neighbours. When I was brought out of the larder,
on a large dish, roars of delight rose to the sky from
the throats of the assembled guests, all seated round
on the fallen stones of the ruined temple.
*The old lion was there, smacking his lips in
anticipation of a nice cut, and the tiger's mouth was
visibly watering at the prospect of such a feast : while,
as for the little snakelets, they kept up quite a clamour
in their impatience to get at me. The monkeys, of
course, contributed their share to the general uproar,
though they seemed more inclined to fasten their eyes
on the filberts and almonds with which I was gar-
nished. The eagles took the whole thing very seriously
and, flapping their great wings, screeched to the sky
in their eagerness to begin ; and all the other guests,
N 193
THE MUSICIAN
the giraffes, the zebras, the hippos, the storks, the
flamingoes, the wild cats, the pehcans, the wild geese,
the peacocks, the turkeys, and every thinkable animal
contributing to the general noise, there was such an
awful din that the snake could only obtain silence by
using the thin end of his long body as a flail on the
drum-like sides of the elephant. He then made a
few remarks on the importance of the occasion, and
referred to his wife in quite a graceful way, for a
snake ; and, continuing, asked one of the guests to
volunteer to carve. The stork, having a very con-
venient beak for the purpose, stood up and offered
his services, which were gratefully accepted.
' I was now placed on the grass directly in front of
the carver, who was about to skewer me with his long
and sharp beak, when there came to our ears from far
away amongst the trees that surrounded us on every
side, the sweet harmonies of that lovely song "The
Pond where Herbert Drownded," played with the
greatest sympathy on the concertina. At once the
stork turned its head in the direction whence the sound
proceeded, and as it gradually drew nearer and nearer
I became more and more convinced that such music
could only be produced by my friend and foster-
brother.
' All the creatures in varying degrees were affected ;
the snake and his wife coiled themselves on the grass
and gasped in rapture ; the stork and all the birds
closed their eyes, and their heads sank lower and lower
194
THE MUSICIAN
SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES
into their fluffy bodies, until like balls of feathers they
rolled over and lay trembling in the grass.
*The lion and tiger were so overcome that they
leant their old heads on their paws and sobbed aloud,
while the monkeys grew fidgety and quite self-conscious
at first, and then abandoned themselves to the
melancholy aroused by the music.
*The gnome, whom I afterwards learnt had been
wandering about the wood playing mournful airs on
his concertina ever since he had missed me, now
drew near, and finishing *'The Pond where Herbert
Drownded " proceeded with " Poor Molly Dawson " and
195
THE MUSICIAN
other tunes of an equally affecting nature. On seeing
that all were sufficiently bowled over, he struck up
with " Oh, Jack, he was a Bright Spark," and so lively
and brisk was the measure that up they all jumped
and danced and danced with the greatest spirit.
*The strangest figure of all was cut by the old
snake who pirouetted on the end of his tail at the
greatest speed, in which weird performance he was
soon joined by his wife. The eagle extended his
wings and waltzed with the elephant; the lion and
tiger spun round, holding each other by the paw, so
quickly that it was almost impossible to see them ;
the old turtle rolled over on the back of its shell and
span like a teetotum, with the silly monkeys linking
hands and in one wide ring skipping around it ; in
fact, all got up and jumped and lumped and sprawled
about in the most ridiculous fashion until they were
quite out of breath. Nevertheless, Orpheus would
not let them rest, but marched off playing the most
exciting music, and all the infatuated creatures, quite
forgetful of their banquet, followed him through the
wood. Strange enough, in all conscience, was this,
but how much stranger by far was it when the very
stones of the ruin leapt up, and rolling over and over,
also followed in this odd procession as it tramped and
crashed through the trees.
'From where I was seated on the dish I could
hear the sounds of the music gradually fading away,
as the musician led the noisy crew further and further
196
THE MUSICIAN
WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA
off; the crash of the falling branches and the crackle
of the breaking underwood died down in the distance
and I knew that I was saved.
* The little gnome led the bewitched creatures such
a dance through the wood that one by one they fell
down in a state of collapse, and when the last was
quite overcome, the faithful fellow returned to the
temple and carried me home.
* Never again did they leave me alone for a single
second until I was able to take care of myself, and I
spent the years of my boyhood in great happiness with
these two simple and kindly souls. Brother Orpheus
took no end of pains in teaching me to play the
197
THE MUSICIAN
concertina and, eager to learn, I soon became pro-
ficient. But, dear lads, clever as you know me to be,
never could I even approach the skill of my good and
patient master.
' In the course of time the old witch had to die, and
the grief of her little foster son was so great at his loss
that, try as I would, I could not in any way lighten it.
One day soon after I missed the little man, and he
never returned again. All that he left behind him
for me to remember him by was his old concertina.
* I waited by the tree for many a long day, still
thinking that he would return, until I was compelled
at last to abandon all hope of ever seeing him again.
I wandered out into the world with no other wealth
than my concertina, but how often since have I had
to bless the memory of my little friend who thus
endowed me with the means of subsistence, and, at
the same time, with a protection against all manner
of evil.'
THE LOST GROCER
FOR many and many a weary mile the persevering
little band had now trudged on without meet-
ing with any adventure worth relating, and
every one was longing for the end of their travels, when
one lovely evening they came across a good-natured-
looking policeman, fast asleep on a stile by the
roadside. The tramp, tramp of the army awakened
him, and with a gentle smile he got off his perch and
walked alongside the King. Charmed with his easy
manner, the King jokingly asked him of what he had
been dreaming that he smiled so pleasantly. ' Oh, of
old times and old friends,' the policeman replied, and
then as he walked along he thus related the strangest
of experiences : —
* Many years ago it was my happy lot to be the
200
THE LOST GROCER
principal policeman of the pleasant little town of
Troutpeg, situated, as you know, on the banks of the
river Peg, just where it flows into the estuary of the
Drip, that here broadens into that well-known land-
locked harbour of the same name, and thus finally finds
its way to the sea. Nestling amongst its stone-capped
hills, the happy place seemed designed by a kind nature
as a retreat for all who were blithe and amiable, and
such indeed it proved to be, for no more kindly and
genial souls than the Troutpegsters could be found.
Their simplicity was delightful, though perhaps such as
to incline them all the more readily to believe in the
wild legends of the country-side. Many were the
strange stories told by the shepherds, who tended their
flocks on the hills at night, of wild rites, and uncouth
dances performed by ghostly beings, in the light of the
moon, amidst the ancient circles of Druid stones.
Little else, however, was there to disturb the peaceful
thoughts of the Troutpegsters.
' The prosperity of the township was so great, and
the comfort of each of its inhabitants so well assured
that for many years no wickedness of any kind had
shown its head, and the life of a policeman in this
happy and secluded town was one long summer
holiday. To be sure, a little skirmish here and there
amongst the lads might make it wise gently to exert
my authority, or a little quarrel amongst the girls call
forth a slight rebuke, but otherwise my life was one
of unbroken peace.
201
THE LOST GROCER
*My dearest friend Avas the tea-grocer, a man of
sad and dreamy ways and quite devoid of guile, who
returned my affection with all the ardour of a singularly
loving nature. He shared his every joy with me, and
when his holidays came round no greater recreation
could he find than in my society. Walking by my
side as I strolled along my beat, he would confide to
me his simple hopes and fears, and in his troubles
seek my readily extended sympathy. Such simplicity
and inoffensive mien had he as brought to him a rich
harvest of respect and love, together with the custom
of his fellow-townsmen.
* In time his little store became quite an evening
resort for those older townsmen who, no longer able
to race about the green when work was done, would
perhaps look in to purchase half a pound of coffee or
tea, or sugar or salt for the good wife, and stay chatting
with the amiable grocer. Then maybe one would
look in to buy an ounce of tobacco, or the excellent
snuff* for which the grocer was far famed, and so on
and so on until the shop was full. Seated around on
the tea-chests, coffee bins, tobacco boxes and snuff*
tins, many a pleasant evening have we spent, enlivened
by good-natured arguments and discussions on every
conceivable subject.
' One sultry summer's afternoon, as I was standing
thinking in the cobbled hjgh-street, the quiet of the
still warm day disturbed only by the gentle breathing
of the shopmen as they dozed amongst their wares,
202
THE LOST GROCER
or the distant bleating of the sheep as they browsed
in and out the rocks and Druid stones capping the
surrounding hills, the comforting remembrance came
to me of many a refreshing cup of tea partaken with
the grocer in the snug little parlour behind his shop.
With hardly a thought of what I was about, I allowed
my idle steps gently to stray towards the homely store
of my friend. Entering therein, and finding that he
was away from home, I sat me down upon the little
chair, so thoughtfully provided for weary customers,
and with my head supported by the counter, resumed
my broken train of thought until, completely over-
come by a sense of drowsy comfort, I feel asleep.
' I was suddenly awakened by the church clock
striking eight, and found that all the town was wrapped
in slumber and that the grocer had not yet returned.
Wondering what on earth could keep him away so
late, and hoping that no harm had overtaken him, I
stiffly arose from my seat, stretched myself, and betook
me to my home and bed.
*0n the following morning my first thought was
for my friend, and on learning that he had not re-
turned during the night, I called in turn on each of
his neighbours, — the doctor, the vicar, the solicitor,
the postman, and the corn-chandler, and many another
equally interested in his movements. Not one, how-
ever, had seen him since the previous day, and all
showed the liveliest concern and anxiety at his
mysterious absence.
203
THE LOST GROCER
* Night followed day, and day again followed night,
with no sign of the vanished grocer. Weeks now
passed by, and grief took possession of the little town
at the loss of one who was missed at every turn.
Hoping that even yet he might return, we kept his
shop still open for him, and the little birds, encouraged
by the silence, flew in and out and nested in the
scales and amongst the stores, glutting their fluffy
little bodies with the sugar-plums, the currants, the
herbs and spices that everywhere abounded. And
even the swallows, so much entertainment did they find
therein, forgot, as the summer drew to its close, to
fly away, preferring much to sleep the winter through
in comfort.
* But alas ! months, and years and years and years
rolled by, and the grocer never returned, and in time
little enough thought was given to one who had, at
one time, been held in such esteem by all. But we,
the older Troutpegsters, still thought at times of our
vanished friend, and many were the theories we
suggested to account for his disappearance.
* One held that he had been beguiled by gypsies,
another that he had been stolen to be exhibited as a
rare model of virtue in some distant clime, while
others believed that the fairies, envious of our happiness
in possessing such a friend, had taken him from our
midst; but all agreed that we should have guarded
our treasure with greater care.
' One never-to-be-forgotten evening the doctor, the
204
THE LOST GEOCER
AFFECTED BY HIS STORY
solicitor, the vicar, the corn-chandler, and myself (some
of us already stricken in years) were seated, as was
now our evening custom, upon the rustic bridge that
carries the road across the river Peg. The fragrant
smoke of our long pipes rising to the evening sky, our
conversation, as was now so frequently the case, had
drifted from politics, sport, fashions and the latest
police intelligence to lovingly-recalled memories of
our long-lost friend, and so sad did we become that
lumps as large as egg plums rose to our throats, and
our eyes brimmed over with tears.
* Drying our eyes we now smoked on in silent con-
templation of the past; the night gradually drew
down, and the first star appeared in the cloudless sky
when there came to us the sound of a distant footstep,
coming along the road towards the town, and presently
a strange figure hove in sight, — an old, old man, with
205
THE LOST GROCER
PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT
long tangled grey hair and shaggy beard, clothed in
the most pitiable rags, torn, and held together with
straw and odd pieces of string. He passed slowly
across the bridge, leaning heavily on his staff, and
limped with difficulty towards the town, into which
with one accord we followed him.
' Down the cobbled high street he walked until he
came to the shop of the vanished grocer into which
he turned without any hesitation. Wondering what
business could take him there, we all hastened to the
door of the shop, and there, with the utmost astonish-
ment, beheld the stranger remove his threadbare
coat, and replace it with the grocer's moth-eaten apron
that had hung for so long from a peg on the door ;
then he commenced dusting the shop and putting it
206
THE LOST GROCER
straight. As I gazed, my astonishment gave place to
the most incredulous amazement when I detected in
the old man a fancied likeness to the departed grocer.
At last, after closer scrutiny, I was convinced that it
was indeed no other than my friend actually returned
after all these years, and as he at the same time
more easily recognised me, we fell into each other's
arms, and who shall describe the extravagance of
our joy ?
' In a little while, when we had calmed down, we
all retired to the little parlour behind the shop, and
our good friend brewed us a cup of tea as of old, and
after a little gentle persuasion related to us the follow-
ing strange story of his disappearance : —
* " On that memorable summer afternoon, many
years ago, as I was weighing out the sugar into pound
and half-pound packets (which, as you may remember,
was my rule at that time of day to prepare for the
evening trade), a strange old gentleman, clothed in
the deepest black from cap to slippers, yet withal
possessed of the most snowy ringlets and beard,
entered my shop and begged of me some food for
his family, assuring me that they were all slowly dying
of starvation.
' " Affected by his story, I was making up for him a
parcel containing lentils, raisins, dates, figs, sugar, and
other goods which I thought might be acceptable,
when, to my astonishment, the ungrateful old rascal
snatched up a large tin of the finest snuff, which you
207
THE LOST GROCER
will remember I used to sell in great quantities, and
bolted with it out of the shop.
* " Without a moment's hesitation I divested my-
self of my apron, and donning my coat, followed him
at the greatest speed. Away he ran down the high
street towards the bridge, which he very soon crossed,
and now along the river bends he sped, with me close
at his heels. For miles we ran, even as far as the
source of the river Peg, which we doubled and came
tearing down the other side. I now perceived that,
in spite of his age, he ran almost quicker than I did.
Presently into the river he plunged, I following close,
and then he retraced his steps towards its source.
Once more plump into the river we went, and as I
scrambled up the opposite bank I noticed to my
dismay that, while I grew more tired and out of
breath as we ran, he became brisker and fresher.
Discarding his hat, cloak, and slippers, though still
holding on to the snufF tin, he now appeared in robes
of dazzling white, which, with his hair and long white
beard, flowed behind him as he ran, and gradually
increased the distance between us.
' " Soon I could perceive that he was making for
the hill above the town Avhich, with no difficulty at
all, he mounted long before I had reached its foot,
and when at last I struggled to the top the old rogue
was seated upon one of the Druid stones that here in
one great circle crown the hill, smiling, and hugging
to himself the while the tin of snuff*. On seeing me
208
Followed him at the greatest speed
f -^:
THE LOST GROCER
THERE GREW IN FRONT OP ME A GREAT MOUND
again, he soon jumped down, and I dodged him in
and out of the stones for at least three hours by the
church clock, and then weary and utterly dejected I
sat me down on a stone in the centre of the ring and
wept bitterly. Directly beneath me I could see,
through my tears, the lights of our little town shine
out here and there from the gathering darkness, while
over the hills, away to my left, the edge of the full red
moon began to show. As higher and higher it climbed
the sky, one by one there leapt from the earth beneath
each stone an aged Druid all clothed in white, with
long waving grey locks and beard, and crowned with
garlands of oak leaves, holly, laurels, and mistletoe.
When the circle of Druids was quite complete the
old rascal who had lured me from my shop, and who
now appeared to be their chief, stepped towards me,
now far too bewildered and astounded to resist, and
solemnly placed upon my brow a wreath of wild violets.
Then separately, each of the Druids came forward with
o
;
209
THE LOST GROCER
some offering which he placed before me, afterwards
returning to his place in the circle, so that presently
there grew upon the grass in front of me a great
mound of vegetables, fruit, flowers, haunches of
venison, fowls, hares, rabbits, and young lambs. At
length, every Druid having made his offering, their
chief handed round the tin of snuff* from which each
old fellow took a large pinch, and then, linking hands,
they danced wildly round me.
* " In utter silence, by the light of the moon, now
high in the sky, these solemn rites were performed,
and still without a sound they whirled quicker and
quicker around me, their feet hardly seeming to touch
the ground, and their long loose garments streaming
after them as they flew.
* " Presently the distant chime of the church clock
striking twelve reached me from the town below and
I gradually fell into a trance, as one by one the old
Druids sank into the earth beneath the stones.
* " Every day since then until to-day have I passed
in complete oblivion, and every night have I awakened
to find myself seated on the stone in the centre of the
ring of Druids, with all the power of resistance taken
from me, compelled to be the object of their weird
rites.
' " Last night, however, just as the church clock
began to strike twelve, such a rush of memories
flooded my brain, and such a longing to see my old
home and friends took possession of me, that a
210
THE LOST GROCER
SNEEZING AND SNEEZING
terrible rage at the cruel tyranny of the Druids had
gathered in my bosom before the clock had finished
striking the hour. When it was about to strike the
last beat, I arose from my seat in the centre of the
circle and approaching the wicked old chief, I snatched
the oUufF tin from his hands and clapped it, snufF and
all, right down over his eyes. Strange to say the con-
tents of the tin had not diminished by so much as a
single pinch, and such a fit of sneezing seized the old
scoundrel that he rolled on the grass in the greatest
distress, quite unable to put the usual spell upon me.
All the other Druids, with abject terror expressed on
211
THE LOST GROCER
their faces, sank at once into the ground. The form
of the head Druid, sneezing and sneezing and sneezing,
gradually faded away before my eyes, and long after
he had completely disappeared the sneezing could
still be heard. Eventually this died away, and pulling
my clothes together as best I could (for by now they
were all in rags), I made the best of my way home."
* Having finished his story the grocer now became
very thoughtful, and we all sat round his little room
smoking in silence until far into the night, wondering
at the strange events he had related. Next day, and
for a whole week, great festivities were held to cele-
brate his return, and the Mayor very willingly resigned
his office in favour of one who was held in such esteem.
Innumerable presentations were made to him and
addresses read to him, yet, in spite of all the honours
he received, never did he forget his old friends. Nor
was he too proud to serve in his little shop, now
enlivened by the songs of the birds he had not the
heart to turn away. He spent the remainder of his
useful life in the performance of kind deeds and in
well-deserved happiness.'
212
THE MEPCHANT'5 Vlf E
AND THE
MERCHANT
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE AND
THE MERCHANT
V
ERY, very good, indeed,' the King remarked
when the poHceman had finished his story,
and he was so pleased that he gave all the
youngsters a half-holiday, with strict injunctions to be
back in time for tea.
214
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
At tea-time they all came skipping back, bringing
with them a little old man they had found, apparently
lost, and moping about the common. He carried in
front of him a pedlar's tray, on which were exposed
for sale many little oddments, such as reels of cotton,
needles, pins, ribbons, and even little toys, which he
now hawked round amongst the assembled company.
As many as were able bought some small thing or
other out of kindness to the little merchant, and the
good-natured old monarch invited him to tea.
While they were all enjoying this meal, they were
disturbed by a great noise, very much like the galloping
of a horse, and suddenly, without any warning, right
into their midst there leapt a very large woman, who
immediately seized upon the little merchant, and
attempted to drag him away. Bill at once went to
the assistance of the little fellow, and endeavoured
to pacify his assailant. At length the irate creature
calmed down, and addressing the company in an
aggrieved tone, said: — *It's all very well for you
people to stand up for this wicked man, but not one
of you knows the dance the little wretch has led me
for the last fifteen years.'
* Of course,' the King answered, ' it is hardly to be
expected that we should know anything of either of
you, considering that this is the very first time we
have had the pleasure of meeting you. Perhaps you
will be so kind as to enlighten us, and explain to us
your strange conduct.'
215
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
The large woman now sat down upon the grass and
said : — ' Well, I suppose I had better do so. Give me
a cup of tea, and I'll let you know all there is to
know.'
A cup of tea was accordingly handed to her, from
which she took a sip, and then proceeded thus : —
*About fifteen years ago I was so unfortunate as to
wed this poor specimen of a man you see before you,
and we had not set up house together very long before
I could see that he wanted thoroughly looking after,
and, indeed, that he could hardly be allowed out by
himself Now this was very awkward, as his business
required that he should be out all day, so I proposed
to accompany him on his rounds. Holding him securely
fastened to the end of a long cord, I never let him out
of my sight for more than a minute at a time, and so
kept him from mischief After a year or so, however,
this grew rather tiresome for me, as I had to neglect
my household duties in attending upon my husband,
and, in the end, was compelled to let him out again
alone.
* But you may be sure I did not do this until I had
laid down certain fixed rules for his behaviour, which
I made him promise to obey. Amongst these, one was
that he should start from home not a minute earlier
and not a minute later than eight o'clock in the morn-
ing ; another was, that if he returned either a minute
earlier or a minute later than eight o'clock in the
evening, he should go supperless to bed. And, would
216
Bringing with them a httle old man
■*f»
0r
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
you believe me, in spite of all my care, he would some-
times return earlier and, as I learnt afterwards, remain
outside until the clock struck eight, when he would
creep in as though he had only just returned ?
* But my great trouble only began a few weeks ago,
when, one evening, having cooked his nightly turnip,
I waited patiently for my good man's return. At length
the clock struck eight, and, to my surprise, it was not
immediately followed by my husband's timid knock.
One minute passed ; two minutes passed ; three
minutes passed ; four minutes passed ; and, on the
fifth minute, there was a low knock at the door, and
in crept the miserable man, and cowered to his place.
But, as you may suppose, there was no turnip for him
that night, until he had given a satisfactory explanation
of his late return. The only excuse the frightened
little ruffian had to offer was, that he had dropped a
needle on the road, and had to return for it. So he
went supperless to bed.
*The next evening, having warmed up the old
turnip, I again awaited his return. Eight o'clock
struck, and, to my even greater surprise, it was not
followed by the merchant's knock, and this time it was
six minutes past before he entered, and with no better
excuse for his late arrival than that he had dropped
a reel of cotton on the road, and had to return for it.
" Let this be a lesson to you, my man," said I, as I
once more put away the turnip, which he had been
regarding with longing eyes, and sent him to bed.
217
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
*ror the third time, on the following evening, I
warmed up the turnip, feeling convinced that after the
severe lesson he had received, my merchant would not
again serve me such a trick. But eight o'clock struck,
and then one minute passed ; then two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine, and as the minute-hand
pointed to the ten, he crawled in on hands and knees,
not daring to raise his eyes from the ground. And
then I told him what I thought of his conduct.
* Without waiting to hear a word of explanation, I
now locked him in a cupboard beneath the stairs, put
the turnip away, and went to bed. In the morning I
let him out, but of course gave him no breakfast, and
in due time he took his tray of goods, and left the
house without a word. Hardly had he departed three
minutes, when I hastily donned my bonnet and shawl,
and followed him, determined to learn, if possible,
what had delayed him on the three previous evenings.
Keeping at a safe distance, I followed him all over the
town, but nothing unusual happened. He called at
every house, displaying his wares to any one likely to
buy ; selling a ribbon here, perhaps some pins or
needles there, but his conduct, on the whole, seemed
harmless enough. At length the day passed by, and
the merchant started homewards ; but he had not
moved many paces, when he came to a stop, and
seemed to debate in his mind whether he should
return or not. Then, looking up and down the road,
and seeing no one watching him, he suddenly took to
218
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON
his heels, and ran as hard as he could in the opposite
direction. I lost no time in climbing over the wall,
behind which I had been hiding, and quickly followed
him. Out of the town the villain ran as swiftly as he
could go, and I followed as close as possible, without
being seen by him, and was only just in time to see
the rogue climb into an old barrel that was standing,
end up, in a field near the roadway. " Now," thought
I, " I 've got you in a trap, my fine fellow," and I ran
up to the barrel. I could hardly beheve the evidence
of my eyes when I found it to be quite empty. Amazed
219
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
beyond measure, I at last turned my steps towards
home.
* On arriving home, I found that my husband had
not returned, and it was fully twenty minutes past
eight when at last he appeared, but I was so astonished
that I could not say a word to the little rascal, and
once more he went supperless to bed.
' For four more days I followed the little man
without approaching a solution to this riddle. Each
day he would go about his business in the usual manner
and, in the evening, he would run to the barrel, into
which he would speedily disappear. He came home
later and later every night, until I could stand this
state of things no longer; and, on the sixth day I
determined never to return until I had satisfactorily
cleared up this mystery. This time, instead of following
my merchant through the town, I went direct to the
barrel, and, hiding myself behind a bush near by,
prepared to wait there all day and see what happened.
* I had not made myself comfortable many minutes
before I saw two old men coming along the road from
the town ; so old were they indeed, that they could
only creep along by leaning one against the other.
Right up to the barrel they crawled, and then, to
my surprise, they scrambled over its sides and dis-
appeared. Presently two more just as old and de-
crepit came along and disappeared in the same way.
Now three more came, then two again, and then only
one, all as old and wretched as could be, and each
220
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
one crawled into the barrel and vanished. This went
on for some time when, unable to restrain my curiosity
and wondering why on earth the barrel didn't become
full, I hurriedly left my hiding-place and looked there-
in, to find that it yet remained quite empty. I had
barely time enough to regain my hiding-place when
more and more old men came along the road and
disappeared into the barrel.
* This went on all day, and when the evening drew
near, I could see my little man approaching from the
town. As I expected, he walked straight up to the
barrel, and in a twinkling had vanished inside. With-
out giving myself a moment to think, I once more left
my hiding-place and climbed into the mysterious old
tub. It was certainly rather a tight fit, but I managed
to get in somehow or other. Presently I was astonished
and alarmed to find that the bottom of the barrel,
which I had imagined to rest on the earth, began to
give way and open like a trap-door, and I felt myself
sinking lower and lower, down a sort of well. The
next thing, I found myself at the bottom of the well,
and at the mouth of a tunnel so narrow and low that
I could only go through it on my hands and knees.
This, however, I proceeded to do, and found that it
opened into a great chamber cut out of the solid rock.
*Not daring to enter, I gazed into this strange
place, which was lighted with many candles all affixed
to the rocky walls with their own tallow. On the
centre of the floor was piled a great heap of children's
221
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
toys, — tin trumpets, wooden horses, drums, hoops,
skipping-ropes, rocking-horses, peg-tops, in fact, every
conceivable toy that a sensible child could wish for.
Around this great heap, instead of children, sat all
the poor miserable old men I had seen enter the
barrel, and amongst them I now perceived my
husband, who certainly seemed no happier than
the rest. Securely hidden in the narrow passage
from every one in the room, I could now watch all
that took place, in the greatest comfort.
* Not a word was said by any of the decrepit
creatures as they stared absently at the toys in the
middle of the room. Presently one whom I took to
be their host, as I had not seen him enter the barrel,
took from a peg on the wall, from which it had been
suspended by a piece of string, an old bent tin pipe
and proceeded to play. At once the wrinkled faces
of the poor old fellows began to brighten up, and as
the music grew more lively, they rocked their withered
frames to and fro to the tunes. Soon, one by one,
they stood upon their feet, and seeming to lose their
old age as the music every moment became more
enchanting, they forgot their feebleness and danced
gaily about the room.
* Younger and younger they grew, until my husband
appeared to be such a dapper and bright little man
that I could not prevent myself from leaving my
hiding-place and going up to him and clasping him
round the waist. Not a bit surprised did he seem to
222
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
(^>ijL>-tfteeeat»aWi
KEPT HIM OUT OP MISCHIEF
see me there, and as we danced merrily up and down
the room, to my great joy and astonishment, I felt
myself growing younger every moment, whilst the
rest of the company, now all transformed to fine
young men, danced in one circle round us, as hand-
some a couple as you would wish to see.
* Still the magical music continued, and if anything
grew more and more enchanting as we grew younger
and younger, until we seemed to be frolicsome boys
223
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS
and gills once more. At last we found ourselves to
be a crowd of little toddling children, and, my word !
how we grabbed at the great heap of toys placed there
for our amusement, and what a time we had to be
sure!
* Under the great heap of toys, we discovered the
most glorious tarts, pastries, cakes and sweets, and it
didn't seem to matter how much you ate of them, for
you never lost your appetite for more. At last, alas !
the wonderful music quieted down, and by degrees we
once more lost our childhood, then our youth, and,
when the music suddenly stopped, we all returned to
our old selves again, and fell flat on our faces quite
tired out, while our host hung up his old tin pipe on
its peg in the wall.
' When we had all somewhat recovered, I fixed my
eye upon my husband. " Now," thought I, " I 've got
you. This is how you waste your time, is it ? And
why you come home late for supper." The conscience-
224
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
IT DIDN T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE
stricken creature trembled before my gaze, and then
made a rush for the door. All made way for him, but
I quickly followed through the tunnel and mounted a
ladder which led to the trap-door at the bottom of the
barrel, out of which I climbed, but only in time to see
the rascal disappear into the town. I then made the
best of my way home.
* He had not returned when I arrived, so I waited
three whole days and nights, prepared to make the
unnatural man feel to the full my resentment at his
shameful conduct. On the fourth day, as he had not
come home, I went back to the tub, and not seeing
any sign of him, I gave a kick to the old thing and
sent it rolling over and over on its side. Would
you believe me, there was not the slightest trace of
any passage or well ever having existed beneath it.
Since then I have wandered all over the country
in search of this ungrateful wretch.' And the in-
dignant woman, having finished her story, once more
P 225
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
attempted to drag the affrighted Httle merchant
away. Bill again intervened, and after a few very
kind words, successfully persuaded her to allow her
husband to remain with them, at the same time
inviting her to make one of their brave band.
This she only consented to do on condition that
the policeman also never left them, 'as you never know,'
said she, * what the little wretch will be up to next.'
The policeman having no objection to fall in with
her wishes, they all marched on in peace.
.^,.,y^j^'^"""'''
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
^
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
TIME was now getting on, and the fidgety old
King, weary of being constantly on the move,
became more and more impatient to reach
his journey's end. For many days they had been
228
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
crossing the great desert, and were fast approaching
the further side when, one evening, the aggravating
old fellow decided that they should march on right
through the night. In vain did Bill point out to him
how tired they all were ; the old King would not even
listen to him, so, whether they liked it or not, they
had to jog on.
Wearily they trudged along, and towards morning
they came upon a great stone sphinx, in the arms of
which there nestled a company of little children, every
one of whom was fast asleep. Presently, as the sun
rose and shone under the lids of their eyes, they, one
by one, awakened, and stared in mute astonishment
at the dusty figures before them. Assuring them that
they had nothing to fear at their hands. Bill, with
the King's permission, invited them all to breakfast.
Seated in a great circle on the sands, beneath the old
sphinx, every one did his utmost to make the strangers
comfortable and to remove their natural shyness ; and,
in a little while, it was a very jovial party that sat
demolishing the substantial breakfast prepared for
them. Many songs were sung and stories told by Bill
and his comrades, and presently one of the little fellows,
who appeared to be the youngest of their new friends,
stood up and related the following story : —
'We are all brothers and sisters, and lived, until
yesterday, with our good parents upon a sandbank in
the mouth of the river Bhm which, as you know, is one
of the smaller tributaries of the river Nile. Our father
229
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
was a fisherman, and upon the only spot on the bank
which remained invariably high and dry, the clever
man had erected a shed which served us for home,
and which, at least, protected us from the showers of
spray blown from the rough seas, and the chill winds
that blew across the neighbouring marshes, as well as
the cold rains that, in the fall of the year, flooded the
adjacent country for miles around. A dozen stout
beams, that had been cast up by the waves, served,
each with one end deeply embedded in the wet sand,
as a framework for our humble mansion. These were
covered over with numerous skins of fish and pieces
of old rag, all neatly stitched together by our in-
dustrious mother, or pinned by fish-bones skilfully
sharpened by grinding their ends between two stones.
Our good dad's stock-in-trade consisted of one long
piece of frayed string, with a sharpened fishbone, bent
in the form of a hook, fastened at one end, a small
boat and a paddle, the former of which he had skilfully
fashioned out of an old basket that had been washed
ashore, and over which he had stretched more of
the rags and fish-skins, of which we always possessed
a goodly supply saved over from our meals.
* During the long winter months we were entirely
cut ofi* from our fellow creatures by the floods and the
terrible storms at sea, and were compelled to subsist
entirely upon our own resources ; and thus we learnt,
after many a bitter trial, to make almost everything
we required from the spoils brought home by our
230
They came upon a great stone sphinx
THE CAMP-FOLLOWEES
hard-working father. The flesh of the fish, of course,
served us for meat, either fresh or pickled in brine,
and then dried in the sun. The roes, prepared in the
same way, were our only delicacies, and, by an indul-
gence in these, we used to celebrate our many birth-
days. Fish dripping we had in plenty, and the bones
were dried and ground between two rocks, making the
finest flour for bread and pies. The tails and fins were
always saved, and, after a simple drying process, made
excellent fuel, easily set alight with sparks kindled by
knocking two stones sharply together. A fine black
ash was left from fires kindled in this way, which,
mixed with a little sea-water, made one of the purest
inks. The good dad always encouraged us to make
notes on the smooth white skins of the young dab,
bleached and dried in the sun, explaining how useful
they would be to us in after-life, and showed us how
to cut pens from the larger bones of the fish. The
only parts which the unselfish man reserved for him-
self were the eyes which, when dried, were his only
substitute for tobacco in that lone part of the world,
and which he smoked in a pipe most beautifully carved
by himself, from the spine of an old cod.
' The heads of the fish served the younger children
for bricks, or even, after a little trimming, for dolls,
with which they amused themselves during the long
winter evenings. Many another device had we whereby
we made the most of our very small opportunities, but
you will readily see how dependent we were for every-
231
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
thing upon the good fortune and resources of our
father, without whom we should all very quickly have
perished.
' For many days and nights at a time our good dad
would remain upon the sea, returning sometimes with
a good supply of fish ; at other times, alas ! with only
one or two little dabs, or even with nothing at all.
Yet. by dint of saving up for a rainy day, when we had
more than enough for our present needs, we managed
to jog along fairly comfortably. One sad winter's
evening, however, our good parent returned, having
caught nothing but a very small dab and a very severe
cold. Our anxious mother, in a state of alarm, lit a
great fire and, after making him take a bowl of steam-
ing fish gruel, with his feet at the same time in a bath
of hot sea-water, she sent him to bed, and covered him
up with as many fish skins as she could spare from the
house. The next day he was decidedly worse, and our
anxiety increased day by day as he showed no signs of
improvement. Yery soon, with no one to replenish
our larder, our stores began to run low, and starvation
stared us in the face.
* At last one morning the invalid called our eldest
brother to him and said to him : — " Son, our stores are
all eaten up, and unless we obtain food by to-morrow
morning we shall all surely die, so take my boat and
fishing-line and see what luck will attend you."
With tears in his eyes, the good-hearted boy left the
house and yery soon embarked.
232
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS
* Having paddled some way out to sea, he threw
his Hne, and fished and fished. After a Httle while he
drew it in again to find, alas ! that he had caught
nothing. For the second time he cast his line, and
fished and fished and fished, but on again pulling in
the line he found that he had no better luck. He
now for the third time threw out his line, and fished
and fished and fished and fished, yet no better fortune
attended him ; so, bitterly disappointed, he wound up
the tackle and paddled home.
* Sorrowfully the unhappy father heard of his eldest
son's want of success, and then sent for his second
233
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE
eldest son, and requested him to see if fortune would
be kinder to him than it had been to his brother.
But, alas ! he returned likewise without even so much
as a whitebait. Then, one after the other, he sent all
his sons except myself, who am the youngest of all,
but not a little piece of luck awaited any of them.
The wretched man now called me to him and said : —
" Son, hitherto I have been reluctant to send one so
young upon such an errand, but, alack-a-day ! you are
now our only hope ; unless good fortune waits upon
you we shall all perish."
* After comforting him as much as I could, and
assuring him that I would do my best, I hastened
down to the shore and embarked in the little boat. I
paddled a good way out to sea until I came to a
suitable fishing-ground, and then threw out my line.
I fished and fished and fished and fished, and on
drawing in my line found nothing on the hook except
the bait, a wretched piece of dried fish skin, which
looked very draggled as it rose from the water.
234
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
"Better luck next time," thought I, as I threw my
line for the second time, and fished and fished and
fished and fished and fished. Yet, on pulling up
the line, I found to my dismay that instead of
better luck I had even worse, if that were possible,
for the wretched bait had vanished from the hook.
" Once more," thought I, as I dropped my line over-
board for the third time, " and, fish or no fish, I must
give it up, even though we all die of starvation." So
I fished and fished and fished and fished and fished
with all my might, and when at length I had hauled it
in you may imagine my distress when I discovered that
not merely was there no fish upon the line, but that
the hook itself had disappeared. With tears of rage
and disappointment I now gave it up and prepared
to return, but I had not gone very far when I thought,
" Shall I have just one more try even without hook or
bait?" And not giving myself any time to think
about it, I hurled my line out for the fourth time
and fished and fished and fished and fished and fished
and fished and fished as hard as I could, when fancy-
ing that I felt a nibble, I hauled it in as quickly as
possible and found an old sardine-tin which had
become entangled in the line.
' Hastily opening the tin, all I found therein was
the head of an old sprat. " Alas ! " said I to myself,
"is this, after all my troubles, the only food I can take
to my suffering father and hungering mother and
brothers and sisters ; better it would have been had
235
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
we never been born ! " and the tears streamed down
my face.
* As I bent low over my miserable catch a great
shadow passed across the boat and suddenly looking
up, I beheld a beautiful albatross sailing in the sky
above me. No sooner did the graceful creature catch
sight of the head of the sprat than it swooped down
upon the tin that contained it, snatching it from my
hands, and flew off with it as speedily as possible.
Now it happened I had not let go my hold on the
line, the other end of which was still fastened to
the tin, so that in a very few minutes I felt myself
lifted bodily up and whirled through the air and out
to sea at a great speed. Dangling many feet beneath
the great bird, on and on I was carried over the
tops of the waves, in the greatest anxiety lest the
marauding fowl should take a lower flight, in which
case I should inevitably have been plunged into the
sea and drowned.
'How many miles we travelled thus it would be
impossible for me to tell, but at length my arms grew
tired of holding on and supporting my weight, and I
began to fear every moment that I should slip off* into
the sea, when I beheld a fishing-boat in the distance,
right in our course. Hoping that we should reach it
before my strength gave out I anxiously watched the
vessel as we gradually drew near. At last I found
myself directly over the boat, and shutting my eyes, I
let go my hold on the line, and dropped down right
236
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED
on to a pile of fish in the middle of the deck, sending
them flying in all directions amongst the astonished
fisherman.
* My remarkable appearance amongst them had the
most astonishing eftect upon the fishermen. They
one and all leapt into the sea, and notwithstanding
my endeavours to entice them back to the boat, and
to explain to them my sudden descent upon their
vessel, the affiighted creatures swam off" to the
237
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
distant shore, which, let us hope, they reached in
safety.
' Looking around me I now discovered, to my great
joy, that the boat was full of the finest fish, so, seizing
the oars, I turned her head towards home, where I
arrived with my prize on the following morning, after
a hard night's work, rowing the heavily-laden craft to
shore.
*The rejoicings were great, as you may well
imagine, when my good parents and brothers and
sisters beheld me again, for all had given me up for
lost, our old boat having been washed ashore the
previous evening. A great meal of fish was prepared
as soon as possible, at which we all ate heartily after
so long a fast, and the old gentleman's condition was
greatly improved by the meal.
'Long before the large supply of food had been
consumed, the good living and comfort had restored
our dad's health, and he was able to resume his fish-
ing. Being now so much better equipped with the fine
boat in which I had returned, and with the splendid
tackle we discovered therein, good luck always attended
his fishing and we never wanted any more.
*In the course of time it became necessary that
their children should all leave them and seek their
fortunes, and only yesterday morning, with many
tears, we bade adieu to our kind-hearted parents
and started on our journey.'
The young strangers were now all thoroughly
238
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
refreshed by their breakfast, and learning the nature
of the campaign upon which the King and his army
were engaged, wiUingly offered their assistance as
camp-followers, or in any other way that they might
be useful. The King very gratefully accepted their
services, and before resuming the march the whole
army went out of their way and visited the kindly
fisherman. The King was pleased to confer many
honours on the old fellow, and, before leaving him,
promised to look after his numerous family, and in
the future to provide for all their wants.
THE SIEGE OF TROY
Q
THE SIEGE OF TROY
EARLY one fine morning, before the soldiers
had arisen, the King, in a very excited state,
called his general to his bedside and, point-
ing through the opening of his tent, said : —
' Bill, can you see, far away upon the horizon, that
little point of light ? ' And Bill, straining his eyes in
the direction indicated, was indeed able to detect
a little flash, as though the sun were shining upon
a cucumber frame many miles away.
' Well,' said the old man, * that is the reflection of
the sun upon the dome of my palace in Troy.'
242
THE SIEGE OF TROY
Bill, delighted tliat at last they were nearing their
journey's end, went off and awakened the camp with
the glad news, and all came running out and gazed in
the direction of Troy ; and so heartened were the
brave fellows at the sight that they gave three re-
sounding cheers.
Their eagerness to be off was so great that there
was no breakfast that morning, and soon performing
a hurried toilet, and speedily packing up their sticks,
they were on the move once more. The King's excite-
ment knew no bounds and, after distributing amongst
his followers the contents of his pocket, he insisted on
climbing out of his chariot, and giving each of his
officers in turn a ride therein. Having travelled some
little way, the King suddenly called a halt, and held
up his hand for silence, and then, in the clear air,
could be heard the bells of Troy ! More excited than
ever, the King now took off his crown, and removing
some of the jewels with the pen-knife which Bill had
presented to him on his birthday, gave one to each of
his chief officers.
In a httle time the towers of Troy came into view,
on the further edge of the great plain they were cross-
ing, and the elated King, quite beside himself with joy
and expectation at this glorious sight, stood upon the
seat of his chariot and danced, much to the alarm of
Boadicea, who was wheeling him. He then sat down
again, and, taking off his slippers, he threw them, one
by one, as high into the air as he could, and caught
243
THE SIEGE OF TROY
them as they descended. As they came nearer and
nearer to their goal the old fellow's spirits rose to
such a pitch that something really had to be done, so
the musician was told-olF to play soothing tunes to
him, and in time the excitable creature calmed down,
only, however, to break out again when they halted
that night before the walls of Troy. At last, to keep
him quiet once and for all, and out of everybody's way,
they put him to bed with a soothing-draught made up
by the doctor.
The approach of the gallant fellows had been
closely observed from the watch-towers of the city, and,
in consequence, they found the gates fast closed when
they halted before them. And, as nothing could be
done that night, they fixed up their camp and retired
to rest.
On the following morning, Bill sent the merchant's
wife as an ambassadress into the city, to demand its in-
stant surrender, and very gladly she undertook the task.
* This is quite in my line,' said she, as she knocked
for admittance at the gate, through which she was
admitted after a little delay. Bill waited anxiously
for her reappearance, hoping that the King of Persia
would be wise enough to give up the city without
further trouble, but suddenly a great roar resounded
from the other side of the walls, and almost immedi-
ately afterwards the ambassadress, with tufts of the
Persian King's hair held between her clenched fingers,
was thrown out of the gates.
244
Closely observed from the watch towers
THE SIEGE OF TROY
* There 's nothing for it now,' thought Bill, *but to
lay siege to the place,' and he at once proceeded to
walk round the city and examine the nature of the
ground ; after which he mustered his whole force
before him, and disposed them according to the
accompanying plan : —
In this way Bill completely surrounded the city,
allowing no provisions of any kind to enter, and pre-
pared to wait until the inhabitants had exhausted all
their stores, and could hold out no longer.
245
THE SIEGE OF TROY
These were the instructions of General Bill to his'
army, to be faithfully carried out during the siege : —
1. That the King was not to be allowed out of his
tent on any account, in spite of his impatience.
2. That, with the exception of the general and the
scout, no warrior was allowed, without his
officer's permission, to leave his post, day or
night, during the siege, and if any one were
discovered sleeping without one eye open, his
allowance of sugar for porridge next morning
was to be stopped.
3. That the scout was to be continually on the
move.
4. That Boadicea was to prepare all the meals, and
that at each meal time she was to take the
food she had cooked to the soldiers (an extra
large portion being always reserved for the
King).
5. That every morning, with breakfast, she was to
take to each his boots brightly polished, a
bowl of hot water to wash in, and a comb, and
that every evening she should bring them
their slippers and their night-shirts.
For three years the siege went on, in quite a
peaceful and, at times, even a pleasant way, with no
sign at all of the Trojans feeling any discomfort ; in
fact, since the Merchant's Wife had been turned from
246
THE SIEGE OF TROY
the city, not a sound had been heard from within
the walls.
Now it happened one morning, about this time,
that the gates, to every one's surprise, were thrown
open, and a messenger, with a flag of truce, came
forth. The poor fellow looked hungry enough, indeed,
yet the Merchant's Wife roughly seized upon the
famished creature, much to his annoyance, and
brought him to the general. Bill, hoping that he
had come with an offer from the King of Persia to
surrender the city, joyfully handed the young man a
chair and a biscuit, and, before allowing him to speak,
insisted on his eating a bowl of hot porridge. When
he had hungrily demolished the food. Bill kindly
invited him to deliver his message, which, in a hesi-
tating manner, he thus proceeded to do : —
* The King of Persia sends greetings to his dear old
friend, the King of Troy, and wishes to assure him
that he bears no ill-will towards him. On the con-
trary, his happiest moments are spent in recalling
those far-ofl' times when, as young children, they
played the livelong day together, in good-will and
friendliness. He also begs him, for a few minutes,
to allow his natural kindness to overcome his enmity,
and send his old friend, now faint with hunger,
enough suet to make just a little pudding for himself
Bill, a trifle disappointed, took the message to the
King of Troy, who seemed very much affected on
hearing it.
247 "
THE SIEGE OF TROY
THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED
*Give the old fellow a cracknel,' roared he, 'and
tell him that if he surrenders the city at once, he can
have as nice a snack of dinner as he could wish.'
The messenger returned to the city with the
message and the cracknel, and Bill waited all through
the day and night, but no word came from the city.
After breakfast next morning, when, as Bill thought,
the King of Persia would be feeling hungry, he called
to him the nine stout sons of Crispin and Chloe and
then summoned to him the Merchant's Wife and the
Sicilian Char-woman, and between them they managed
to wrap up each of the brave lads in brown paper,
properly secured with strong string, making nine very
neat parcels. The general had previously instructed
the brave fellows how to act at the right moment, and
in the meantime to remain perfectly still. These
parcels were now labelled severally lemon cheese cake,
fairy cakes, rock cakes, Jumbles, raspberry noyeau,
248
THE SIEGE OF TROY
mince pies, Pontefract cakes and peppermint cushions,
and then all neatly piled upon the King's wheeling-
chair, which Bill had borrowed for the purpose.
Solemnly preceded by Bill, the Merchant's Wife
and the Char-woman (being the two strongest people
in the forces) now wheeled the chair up to the gates,
in front of which they emptied its contents.
The hungry Trojans had observed their approach,
from the walls above which could now be seen in-
numerable heads popping up and down, and no sooner
did they see what the chair was supposed to contain
than they climbed down, and without any hesitation
opened the gates. Bill then spoke to the Trojans in
the following words : —
' The King of Troy sends greetings to the King of
Persia and hearing that his stores are exhausted, and,
although at war with him, not wishing that he should
suffer any serious discomfort, begs his acceptance of
these provisions.' Bill and the two ladies now retired
with the empty wheeling-chair and took up their
position before the walls once more.
In the meanwhile the parcels were taken into the
city and presented to the King of Persia who was
then sitting, with the whole of his court, hungrily
wondering what was going to happen next. The
parcels were heaped up before him, and he could
hardly conceal his delight and eagerness to begin on |
the victuals at once. All his courtiers too seemed |
quite inclined to forget their manners and help them-
249 "\
THE SIEGE OF TROY
selves before they were asked. The King now took
up the largest parcel, labelled Pontefi'act cakes, which
happened to contain Hannibal, when at a given signal
each one of the courageous young fellows broke from
his confinement and at once set on those around him.
Hannibal and Noah seized the Persian King and
bound him securely with some of the string from the
parcels ; each of the other brave sons of Crispin bound
some minister or courtier in the same way, and the
rest of the court fled from the palace in abject terror.
The nine lads now gave chase, and the panic which
possessed the affi'ighted courtiers spread, in no time,
through the city, and the whole of the inhabitants were
soon fleeing before the infuriated fellows.
Possessed with the idea that their pursuers were
in much greater force than they really were, the scared
wretches made for the gates of the city, out of which
they ran as hard as they could. Bill, the Geneml,
wisely allowed them to pass through his lines, which
they did in the maddest terror, and then fled far away
over the plain, as the besieging forces once more
closed in around the city.
Seeing that the gates still remained open. Bill now
marshalled his gallant army, and in one grand pro-
cession led them into the city.
In front of all solemnly marched the Genei'al ; then
the Ileal Soldier ; then the Merchant's Wife ; then
the Sicilian Char-woman, proudly waving her flag;
then followed a number of Bill's charges, the Ancient
250
^J^^
p^\
/
V
'■ M
.-//
'%l.
AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA
THE SIEGE OF TROY
Mariner, the Doctor, Camp-followers, the Musician
playing triumphant music on his concertina, more
Camp-followers, the Respectable Gentleman, the Scout,
the Wild Man, yet more Camp-followers, the Merchant,
and, last of all, preceded by the graceful Triplets, came
the proud and glad old King himself, wheeled in
great state by the faithful Boadicea, and guarded by
the principal policeman of Troutpeg. The nine stout
sons of Crispin, together with the remaining children,
formed a guard of honour, extending from the city
gates as far as the front door of the Palace, into which
the excited and Royal old creature entered at last
amid the cheers of his gallant followers.
His first act was to release the King of Persia, and
after accepting very graciously his humble and sincere
apologies for his unkindness, the clement old fellow
gave him a good breakfast and packed him off to
Persia. In a like kindly manner he treated the
courtiers, after they had all suitably begged his pardon ;
and the inhabitants, who came trooping back as soon
as they heard how graciously the rightful King was
behaving, one and all clamoured to shake the de-
lighted old monarch by the hand and pay their homage
to him.
Thus, after all his trials and privations, this Royal
and kindly creature was restored to his throne. The
crown was done up and beautifully polished, and the
old King once more crowned in great state. To show
his gratitude tol'his brave and faithful followers he
252 " .
THE SIEGE OF TROY
TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN
appointed them all (with the exception of the Triplets,
who soon returned to Blowdripping) to places of
honour in his court. Thus : —
Bill,
The Real Soldier, .
The Scout,
Nine Sons of Crispin,
The Camp-Followers and
OTHERS, ....
Boadicea, ....
Ancient Mariner, .
Commander-in-chief of the
Army.
General under Bill.
Officer of the Army.
Bodyguard to the King.
The Army.
Royal Housekeeper.
Admiral of the Fleet.
253
THE SIEGE OF TROY
Sicilian Char-woman,
The Merchant's Wife, .
The Doctor, .
Ptolemy Jenkinson,
Respectable Gentleman,
Long Man,
Musician, ....
Wild Man,
Policeman,
Head Char-woman to Royal
Household.
Superintendent of the Prison.
Court Physician.
King's Valet.
Master of Good Behaviour to
the Royal Household.
Hall Porter at Royal Palace.
Court Musician.
Park Keeper.
Preserver of the Peace.
With such a gallant court and brave army around
him the dear old man was saved from further troubles
in his State during the remainder of his long and
happy reign. In fact Troy became the very happiest
town in the world, and the old King's noble followers
were so contented with their lot that they never again
left the city of Troy.
254
THE END
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